I can see you there,
hiding behind your wall.
well I’ll climb right over it,
I’m not afraid to fall.
Besides, I can always start climbing again,
what’s a few bruises and scrapes between friends?!
I’ll find you where you are hiding
and I’ll try to help you see,
How much I really care for you
and how much you mean to me.
I understand it’s been easier,
to build your wall instead of getting hurt,
so I won’t come along and smash it down,
instead I’ll sit with you in the dirt.
I’ll help you to install a gate
so sometimes I can come through,
I’ll try to help repair the cracks,
using love and kindness for the glue.
I’ll fill some gaps with flowers,
to bring some colour to your life,
their beauty keeping you hopeful,
when your mind is in trouble and strife.
One Day you’ll be strong enough
to come out from where you hide
and it won’t be so scary
for you to allow me to see inside.
But until that day I’ll keep scaling your wall,
and planting my flowers in the gaps,
hopefully they will help you to see
there’s beauty within the cracks.
For I refuse to leave you hiding alone,
So I’ll keep climbing, stone by stone.

I Desperately long
to be truly seen,
By someone who really cares.
I don’t want someone who pretends for me
or puts on any graces and airs.
I don’t need someone to knock down my walls,
but for someone to scale them,
without fear of the falls.
I’m starting to think That I am worth it you see.
And hopefully someone else will agree.

I am mostly of a sunny disposition, or at least I try to be day by day.
then all of a sudden, I’m not sure how, my sunshine fades away.

I’m left feeling cold again with an overwhelming urge to cry.
no longer is my minds sky blue, it’s grey and gloomy, I don’t know why.

see the weather can be unpredictable and I’m just trying to stay warm.
It’s all I can do some days, not to be washed away with the storm.

So I try not to pay much attention to the weather, I try not to give in, I’ll open up my umbrella to try and protect from the rain within.

You Left me with this anger, you upped and walked away.
There’s so much still in my head you know, things I need to say. people tell me it’s not worth it, they say “just let it go” but they see things from the outside and there are things that they don’t know.
From the outside it always seems black-and-white. you are either best friends or you’re in a fight.
Well the outsiders weren’t close enough, to read between the lines So how could they understand. The soft words spoken at night time, the way you tickled my hand?! The moments only we shared, and all the gestures grand!
You allowed me to think you were my protector, the one to help me through, but now I see the one you were protecting, the only one was you.
Now I’m not a silly person, we’re are all human this I know, But I’m left wondering if it was ever real, or was it all for show? Maybe I was just a stop gap between where you really wanted to be. I understand that people change, but why so suddenly?
From the beginning you said I was crazy, that it was all in my head.
when in actual fact I was right all along, you just didn’t use a bed.
Do you understand what that did to me and do you even care?  I went against my gut feeling for so long, “it can’t be true”I thought, I must be wrong!
you explained away the little things, all the signs that made me wonder, and all the time I didn’t know, your thumb I was under.
How could you not notice? I wasn’t lazy I was depressed the weeks I spent alone in bed I was hardly ever dressed!
I cried a lot and asked for help, you didn’t seem to care, This I did not understand because for you I was always there.
The physical things I can forgive, but not the betrayal of my mind. I looked at you so lovingly, I knew you to be gentle and kind.
I can’t even take the good with me now, you’ve marred it all in my mind!
And I think that makes it harder, to have to leave it ALL behind.
because you’ve left me feeling broken and I’m finding it hard to let go, let go of all the anger, it’s all I’ve got to show.
I thought we were  forever, I gave you all of my heart, only for you to break it and then dissapear for your fresh start.
At some point I know I’ll be okay, for I am stronger than you think, I will not let the anger takeover, or pull me down until I sink.
So I’ll say the things I want to say! I’ll let the anger out! but instead of saying them to your face, I’ll just write them down.
Expressing my mind on paper, is much better than telling you. I don’t even think you would hear me now, because you’re off fooling someone new.

I  attempted skinny dipping once. I was on a beautiful beach, with a former lover. I had a concoction of colourful cocktails coursing through me, too many that I couldn’t have completed that sentence, at the time, if I had tried!

I felt good, amazing even! I giggled and skipped, I breathed in the warm air, I glided towards the sea, I could smell the air getting saltier by the second, I could taste the ocean.

As I pulled at them, my clothes left me, They fell away with grace and floated off into the night. I am so feminine so free I thought! I almost felt as if when I reached the shore line my legs would leave me, a beautiful tail would form!

I would be a mermaid, I would dive in and it would be magic, I would splash and laugh, the moonlight would dance on the water, making my hair sparkle! I would glance back at the land and at my love, he would be raw with emotion, sad for my leaving, wonderment for the sensual, ****** siren I had become!!

Instead.

On the way to the water, I kicked a small rock, fell to the floor like a sack of bricks and let out a noise I can only describe as a deep and gutteral mechanical whine.

As I lay there, disheveled and naked on the sand I could hear in the distance, the heavy laughter of my lover.

I gained some bruising, I lost a toenail and my dignity.

I havent attempted skinny dipping since.

You’ve come to my rescue many a time.

But not in the way you might think.

Yes, you do help me in the typical way.

Pulling me up before I sink.

But it’s all the small things you do for me.

The accidental things, that only I see.

That really mean the most to me.

Kind gestures with no intent or agenda.

It’s just who you are, my defender.

You see, the sweet things that you do and say.

They rescue me every day.

All of a sudden, I am there again. With out any warning. Stranded, on a little island, inside myself. I can see and hear people, but I can’t make out what they are saying. Or who they are even.  I’m just stuck, on my island feeling numb.

It can happen frequently, hourly even, yet sometimes weeks will go by when I don’t visit that place. Then, again, out of no where, I’m back. Surrounded by a Black Sea of nothingness.  Sometimes I can save myself, swim away. Dry off and go about my day as if I were never there. Other times I stay wet from the water, i feel sodden and heavy, irritated by the salt.

I’d like to say it gets easier being there but I think I have just become accustomed to it. Accepting of it, almost.

I don’t want to accept it, but it’s less draining that way. Or maybe that’s what I hope. I’m not sure any more.

I visited my island today. Not out of choice you see, I just seemed to drift there, taken by the current. I stayed a short while.

I would like to stay away, from that island, if i could. But it all depends on the tide.