Caitlin

Caitlin Apr 2019

Don't forget to take your medicine.
Sometimes,
its pills that have the serotonin
that our brain forgot to make.
But sometimes,
our medicine
is hot showers after a good cry.
Sometimes,
its remembering that there are dogs that haven't been pet yet.
Sometimes,
it waking up early in the morning
and drinking a cup of hot coco
while sitting in the quiet.
Sometimes,
its putting on a robe
that just came out of the dryer.
So yeah.
Don't forget to take your medicine.

#depression #mental #health #medicine #pills #deratonin

Caitlin Apr 2019

Dear

Dear Mom

I love you.
It wasn't your fault.
Maybe it was a little bit.
But I'm an adult.
And I made my decisions.

Dear Dad

I'm sorry for all the years I spent angry.
All the seasons I missed spending with you.
Maybe its your turn to hate me.

Dear Brother

Please be better than I ever was.
Learn how to love
And not how to settle

Dear Husband

I'm glad you didn't see the signs
It makes this so much easier.
I love you.
But, you won't think I will.
That's fine.
I'm begging you to hate me.
It'll make the leaving easier.

Dear God

Where were you?

If you or someone you love are struggling with suicide, please call 1-800-273-8255. You are loved and wanted. Don't give up.

#suicide #letter #goodbye #husband #mother #brother #father #giving #up #tired

Apr 2019

Chezka

TOTGA

To the person I love,
I'm writing this with all my heart,
You made me happy,
You made me cry,
I'm sorry, I tried.
I'm sorry, I lied.

I love you, I really do.
I'm sorry I have to leave you
even if I dont want to,
I wish I could stay,
but I know soon, you will be okay.

pls let me be the one that got away.

By then, I will leave this world,
Selfish and UNCURED.

#sick #pain #sorrow #sadness #totga #goodbye #leaving #cry #brokenheart #death

Apr 2019

A

leaving

you loved me even at my darkest
but some people are only meant to stay
until dawn

a.g

Caitlin Apr 2019

Rambling {Explicit, TW]

I want to die, oh God, not again.
"What can I do to help, babe?"
I don't know, I don't know.
Laying on the floor trying so hard
Not to grab the knives you collect in your drawer
To find the sharpest one
Test each blade on my skin.
Not to die because I know people need me
But just to release some of this ******* pressure in
my chest, so no I don't know how you can help.
Have a maple tap?
Just put it in my artery and let me drain
Because I'm so full of anger and longing
and I don't know how to process this ****
and no you can't help me
my therapist is helpless
and I don't know how to fix this.
So please just *******, okay?
Wait no, I didn't mean it.
You know what, whatever.
******* too, **** everything.

#suicide #self #harm #relationships #helpless #crazy #overwhelmed #spouses #listening

Caitlin Apr 2019

Pillbox

With a sigh of relief
the numbness is back.
I wake up in the morning
waiting for when I can take my medicine
and go back to sleep.
I'm not abusing it.
I take it when I'm supposed to.
But sleep is my favorite past time
because nothing hurts when I sleep.

#tired #chronic #illness #pain #depression #sleep #medicine #medication #dreamless #numbness

Caitlin Apr 2019

Our Brains

I love him.
Yeah, he's loud but its just who he is.
He's a Yankee,
and I'm a Belle.
I've learned to live with it.

I love him.

We set each other aflame
Sometimes with desire
sometimes with raging fire.
But its okay.
The heat is fine.

I love him.

My breath is heavy
and my inhale quick
Maybe a panic attack?
Maybe from ****.
We're back to yelling
the neighbors hear.
We're just passionate.
Its our dynamic?
Oh God, its our dynamic.

I love him.

He loves me.
Its why I'm shaking
and he's shaking
and we can't comfort the other
because the world would shatter
from the quaking.

I love him.

From over there though.
And I'm tired.
I'll take my pills
and beg him to take his.
And will be better in the morning.
I wake at 8.
He wakes at 10.
It'll be better in the morning.

Mental illness, especially when both people have it, in marriage is hard. Some days are harder than others.

#relationship #mental #illness #broken #together #marriage #love #anger #regret