Every word
Every phrase
Every line
Every time
I pull a blank.

My mind is writing
From a odd feeling state
But it’s power is dwindling
And my drowsiness is kindling
For a inferno yet to come.

00001010 01000100 01100101 01100011 00101110 00110010 00111001 00101110 00110010 00110000 00110001 00111001 00001010 00001010 01001001 01110100 00100000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01101010 01110101 01110011 01110100 00100000 01100001 00100000 01101000 01110101 01101110 01100011 01101000 00101100 00001010 01100001 01110100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101001 01110000 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01101101 01111001 00100000 01101101 01101001 01101110 01100100 00101100 00001010 01100001 01110100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01110010 01101111 01101111 01110100 01110011 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01101101 01111001 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101111 01110101 01100111 01101000 01110100 00101100 00001010 01100010 01110101 01110100 00100000 01101101 01100001 01111001 01100010 01100101 00101100 00001010 01110100 01101000 01100101 01110010 01100101 00100000 01100001 01110010 01100101 00100000 01101100 01100101 01110011 01110011 00100000 01101101 01100001 01101100 01100101 01110011 00001010 01101001 01101110 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01110000 01101111 01100101 01110100 01110010 01111001 00100000 01100011 01101111 01101101 01101101 01110101 01101110 01101001 01110100 01111001 00101110 00001010 00001010 01001001 00100000 01100001 01101101 00100000 01101001 01101110 00100000 01101110 01101111 00100000 01110111 01100001 01111001 00001010 01110100 01110010 01111001 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01100100 01101001 01110011 00100000 01100110 01100101 01101101 01100001 01101100 01100101 01110011 00101100 00001010 01001001 00100000 01100001 01101101 00100000 01101010 01110101 01110011 01110100 00100000 01110011 01101000 01100001 01110010 01101001 01101110 01100111 00101100 00001010 01101101 01111001 00100000 01110000 01100001 01110011 01110011 01101001 01110110 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101111 01110101 01100111 01101000 01110100 00101110

I am by no means omnipotent,
So the meta-thoughts I have
About the couples on this day
Are quite biased.

I have to wonder
What these people are thinking
When vigorously presenting their love
Without even a shred of conscience
Or shame.

A thousand miles away
I’ve got a lot left to say.
Could you not just stay
And listen for one more day?

Jun.9.2019

I’m bleeding happiness
I watch it flow, a cheerful ruby red.
No time for the cold regrets and darkness
I cannot go back upon the path i was lead
The pain is the best thing that I’ve felt
It’s a wonderful, blissful feeling.
It makes me fall in a temporary relief. i gladly melt.
Until my body starts retching and reeling,
Im keeping things the way they’ve been.
I love the blood, i love to watch it flow
It has a wonderfully rose sheen
Especially when the wound starts to grow
Why cannot you, or even anyone see,
That i am ok with this happening to me?

Why are you here?
I never wanted you to exist
Yet you stay and cause me self fear
You never cease to persist
Wanting me to bleed
Maybe even to beat myself dead
Its all a mystery, a warning I won’t heed
I never wanted to let out so much red...
I ******* hate you
Hiding behind a shield of lies
Its all you ever seem to do,
The fake tears, but you never heed my cries
You need to leave me alone
You are a fiend that needs to atone

You know I love this, you do as well
We all love the feeling of the dripping blood
I know this feeling brings us closer to hell,
But I cannot live through this emotion flood
I need it to stay alive and sane.
The feeling is good too, it’s bliss
I love all the self inflicted pain
I want more, everyday, without miss.
You may think I’m out of line, I’m crazy
But i know you love it too
You are a *****, you’re lazy
I deal with that **** everyday, and so do you.
We need our emotion vents to let out the crud.
Why not again use our own blood

You’ve gone insane, I’ve gone insane
We are two in one so we both are as such
Listen to yourself, you cannot live without the pain
I don’t get why you love the bliss so much
I know it feels so great
I know it’s extremely addicting
But it also carries a lot of emotional weight.
we’ve stopped feeling the pain we are inflicting
Is that a problem? We could find another spot
Stop. Get out of my head
You are a ****, you mentally weigh me down a lot
I just need to forget, to lie in bed
You make me fight this endless strife
Just shut up, all I want anymore is my knife

Don’t you see,
The ruby red blood?
We love the pain, you and me.
Bother sides of me are mud
So we should just let it out dude
I love that we can finally get on the same page
I love the blood, i love the cuts crude
Now that we bleed, we have left that cage
We are truly free, flying above all
Not listening to anyone’s pleas
No matter how much the beckon or call
To us they are nothing more than fleas
You shouldn’t trust them, ever.
Just trust me, I’m your benevolent endeavor.

You need to leave now
I’m not doing this anymore
I don’t feel the urge. I don’t know how.
I’m not submitting to that pain, I’m not it’s *****
If i end this, so do you.
Or even better, just leave.
It will be better for the both of us if you do.
I know you want my pain every time I breathe
It’s hard to stop, i know we both love it
The reassurance of the cold knife and hot pain
It’s quite a nice thing to do before a potential fit.
There is just too much that i can gain
I don’t wanna stop but i know I should
I don’t need any help though, it’s all good.

Why did I need to leave
It was so much fun dragging the knife through
1 for every time I shakily breathe
On a wave of pain, we flew.
I have always loved that other side
It breaks me that I left
He just wants to hide
Leave me to carry it, to heft.
I have no words for my treacherous acts
I hate me down to every last shred
I want to rip them apart with... possibly an axe?
He means nothing to me, i will turn him red
If it’s the last thing i will ever do alive
I will **** him, or at least stop his thrive.

I know this didn’t happen, but it is how I am currently, i think.

Who am I?
I am me,
I am not to die
I am free.
I have not bled
I have cried
I have fled
I have lied
I killed myself
I killed that half
I killed it for good health
I killed it so i never have to experience it’s wrath.
I experienced the pain of life’s cruel counterpart
I experienced it all without dying
I experienced the pain of never losing heart
I experienced it all and I’m still standing

The tide proceeds to escape the shore,
Receding like a quelled rebellion.
Now a pair of lonely eyes
Becomes the sole true witness
Of this snapshot of life.

I once had a phone...
it was an IPhone 6.
Worthless to many,
but to me,
nothing
could have bought
that bank of emotion.

To part with it was
to part with some of me.
I am in no way a phone addict,
it just was full of precious bytes,
these 64 billion bytes described me.

The vehement texts, sent with wet eyes.
The entertaining games, played frequently.
The photos of friends and places held dear.
The contact of whom I am too shy to speak to.

And most importantly,
yet saddest of all...

the thousands of poems.
The stories of my doubtless fury,
my love for the pocket knife,
the yearn for another ****** line,
the sadness of another failed day,
the crushing expectations,
and the love I still feel.

The stories that pulled me from depression,
the stories that listened when nobody else would,
the stories that only I will ever have seen.

Even though it's fried silicon chip works no more,
I keep it still, not willing to let go.
So many things, lost forever,
all these things only I am to ever know.

Suicide to joy,
Cyanide to happiness,
2019 held a lot.
From sudden love
To soft rejections
And a hard ones as well.

But now 2020 is around the bend,
So I bathe in my raven black darkness,
Waiting for the clock to turn up a year,
An hopefully my life will move with it.

Sifting through the simmering desert of time,
The golden sand reflects the open sun,
Making this a bright, golden hellscape.
The sun scalds my damp body,
Donating my pale skin a rosy sheen.
I don’t know where I’ve come from, or where I’ve been,
But I know that all I can do is sift further,
And grimace with each step on the scalding sand,
Hoping to leave this golden hell,
And traverse to a green heaven.

A note lies on a wooden desk,
Its words conveying a coward’s half baked decision.

It was once clean and blank
But this changed, as all things do.
First was ink, forming a needlessly long message.
With this, came the tears, dripping at random.
The upset scrawling accidentally rips the note...
A pen thrown down, blotting the paper and words.
And lastly, more ink, but it’s from a different well.

ARD,
The initials of my name.
I hate 2/3 of
That dreaded sequence.
I would redefine
This personality of mine
Under a new name,
But then who would I be?

Digging
Into the ground,
Pulling up dirt.

It splashes like water
On a brilliant summer day,
We all love to play in water...

Bury me
Under this weight,
Bury me
Under my sin.
Bury me,
for I will never win.

Have you fallen again?
Through the world of dreams
And into the endless expanse?

Lifeless yet living,
I ponder your loving existence.

The silent voice
fades to a whisper.
Where have you gone,
My sister?

As the fire sprouts up,
The rain screams down.
Volcanoes ***** themselves,
Peeping above the sea-ceiling.
The land we live on is created,
Now we just need life
To ***** it’s soulful flame,
And populate that desolate ball.

Am I afraid to fall?
Or am I just in fear
Of unavoidable pain?

Love is the only sport
Where I won’t land on my feet.

As long as the arrow is still airborne,
The sky shall be vehemently torn.

There are shockwaves you have yet to create,
And a life to live without you degrading hate.

Carried by the wind far flown
You are the phantasmal flying kite;
Your path shall not be blown,
And I will hold your string tight.

Dauntlessly, night after night.

You can throw me
Right into the wall,
But I’ll still walk
Right down the hall

Your scratching stick,
And that scarring stone
Every day you’ve thrown.
I was always on my own,
Now those scars are my throne.

Swimming through the ocean,
I’m a duck, sleeping in the open.
But the teeth will soon bear,
You’re not the only one to rip and tear.

I’ve also got subtle flair.

Set me on fire;
Put a match to my clothes
Watch me rise in a pillar of flame,
Listen to my livid screams of pain.
Feel my existence slowly fade
As my body finishes fueling the glow,
As my screams mellow into the silent cracks.

In time, the fire will turn to embering ash.
I will have been consumed by a long gone inferno.
And when I have been burned to the ground,
I know that the only place I can go is up.

Flickering lamps,
Dimming circles.

Lights running low,
Damp pavement
Reflecting their soft glow.

A muggy alleyway
With another at its end.
Another alleyway,
Where the light has stiffened.

Maybe i never wanted it,
Simple formalities
To bore those who stand informal.

Maybe I couldn’t give it,
Slippery slopes
Taking away my ability to feel.

But really,
You didn’t want it,
So I never gave it.

This isn’t right.
My actions
Are devoid of light.
I run bluff after bluff,
So apparently,
Living life isn’t hard enough.
I act all high and mighty,
But if I’m asked in earnest,
I’ll get an early start on my nightly

Breakdown.

Squirming out of the rubble,
I stand on an empty battlefield.

No thoughts of war remain,
And no matter how much
I rack my brain,
I cannot feel war’s breath
Or even her pain.

Everyone has watched ****,
It’s like peeing in the shower;
Everyone has done it,
Yet it’s too wildly embarrassing
For anyone to admit it.

Burn brighter than steel,
And stronger than a star.
You’ve stoked the flame,
Now take the reigns.

Subdued no longer,
Your ambition grows stronger.
You’re the unyielding flame,
Burn the fields away,
Nothing shall stay.

The match was lit,
The air became flame.
There’s only ashes left
And I’m to blame.

Is it worth it to be mad;
To let myself drown in my blood?

A raging typhoon,
But only I get hurt
By the flying debris.

Why should I get mad
If it only scares others away?
I can be nice
If i want someone to return.
Being angry does nothing for me.

Don’t say you hate it
Without having tried it first.
Hell, you might like it.

I’m taking a break from poetry.
I’ve been forcing myself to write lately,
And it hasn’t been fun.
I’ll still read some poetry,
But I probably won’t be posting much.
Only when an idea is to vivid not to write,
I will post it.

I’ll be back to posting at some point.
It could be tomorrow,
It could be next March,
I have no clue.
But I will be back.

I love you,
Truly, I do.

From the bottom of my heart,
You shake warmth into my core.
But not from the base of my ****,
My mind dares not open that door.

I could never defile you in my head,
It sickens me to even think of it.
In all my honesty:
My heart will forever love you more
Than my ****. To me, my genitalia’s a bore.

Why do I write so much?
Because you have emotion to take care of.

Why am I so emotional nowadays?
You were once a man of steel... look at you now.

Why are my scars still there?
Because you never cared enough to treat your wounds.

Why am I crying?
I don't know.

The damp world, slowly yet ardently wiping itself off
from the previous evening’s unannounced showers,
Blew a feathery breeze, kissing my skin with ghostly lips.

As the air’s playfully gentle push spirals about the atmospheric arena,
A lightening overcast desperately strains it’s diminishing predominance,
Fraudulently struggling to keep a hold over what it never owned.
But as all things come to a close, the clouds were no exception,
For the articulate wind maiden seduced the cloudscape,
And spread a delicate gap among the once steadfast scenery.

The further I wander,
The further I shall ponder.
I had always dived so deep
Into my abyssal mind,
That I never once noticed
A material bliss, such as this,
Could have ever existed.

Side to side I look
Hearing the icy taunting voices
Of all these people
Talking behind my back
Ridiculing my every action
My every action is a mistake,
Even staying still is a sin.
My heart pumps my chilled blood,
Faster and faster
Until I feel my veins will burst
My mind runs faster and faster
Filled with terrifyingly venomous thoughts
Now they’re taunting me,
Pointing ambiguous shadowy fingers,
Laughing in deep, echoed unison.
My vision starts to turn as black as the figures.
I want to run
I want to run
I want to run
I cannot run
They will taunt me for running,
They will toss me around,
Taunting me and beating me,
Bruising me all the same.

Collapsing on the icy floor of hell,
My delusions got the better of me.
I covered my head expectantly,
Waiting for it to come.
My face was wet with perspiration.
But it was not perspiration,  
It was my tears,
I was silently sobbing,
Trying not to show them.
They would find out, but I don’t want them to.

The distant black figures are next to me now,
Crowding around me and pointing.
I’m now sure they exist.
Their heaving laughter rings through my ears.
Their breath hitting me with an infernal flame.
Their bodies radiate a subzero aura,
Chilling than heating me just the same.

The shadows start to replace my own reality,
I want them to leave,
I want me to leave,
Neither of us move.

Their ambiguous shape is standing inches away now,
They are still closing in,
Getting ready for the ****.
My delusions are reality now.
I feel I will die when they reach me.

Suddenly it all goes black,
Then brown
Then blue
Then white
I’m curled on the floor.
I remember my delusions and shudder
I try to convince myself that it wasn’t real
But I cannot fight the fear overrunning me
It was too real that time.
I know it only could get worse.

Ebbing and flowing freely,
Unrestricted by man’s chains.
Nothing can ever stop this flow,
Or the luminescent lunar body
That raises these soulful waters.

Time fades beyond the horizon
Like a gentle crisp breeze
Pulling the autumnal leaves into the air.

Should we stop pretending?
We’re in the house of flies.
There’s only our loss;
Nailed to the cross.

You’ve lost your wings,
And I’ve got no courage…
Who are we to begin to flourish?

A crisp ashen smell
Waves in greeting,
And the hotpot bubbles
It’s spicily warm curtsey.

A sliding, wafting heat
Caresses your skin
With it’s cottage comfort,
And the small light
Finally reaches your sight.

Too long have these lonesome winds blown,
But now your company dashes in.
So, welcome home.

Swimming through the void,
I hear your words,
I lose myself
Just to find you holding me.

The time slows to a crawl,
And I’m warmed by the light you’ve brung.
Your words are preached and sung,
The words hit as comfort,
But not comprehension.

the ashen flower
continues to grow on
after the demon's power
destroyed the world we thrived upon,
but more flowers will rise anon.

It’s only when I’m alone
Have my skills ever grown.
In solitude I continue to hone,
And make this language my own.
Maybe eventually she’ll be blown
Away by the world that I’ve flown.

Today I’ll silently ***** and moan,
But tomorrow my skill will be shown.

Slowly slipping as of late.
Im falling into a pit of hate,
My mind’s becoming irate.
I reluctantly anticipate
That I’m soon to suffocate,
Under the water that’ll inflate
And call an end to my fate.

An unspoken concept
Drifts through the air,
As if carried by the silent wind;
Her delicate touch
Disintegrating the stagnant air,
Bringing fresh life into the world.

After a moment of silence,
I pull my keys from their hiding pocket.
Their jingle, too, touched by the spirit.

Turning away from the cliff,
The screaming call of the void
Turns to a deafening silence;
The world is quiet once again,
And so is he.

I’ve grown too far,
And now I’m lost
in the absence
That she left for me.

I wonder why I feel so.
A silent word was made
That I won’t fall again
And shall take a break.

But push came to shove,
And she pulled me into love.