You are a series of red flashing fabrics and I am a Matador thrusting myself into you over and over and over again

I know it is nothing but pain and embarrassment and yet it’s so natural to me to proceed with these actions

You are a red flag I can spot from a mile away glistening your sequins in my face and I cannot stop but ram my face into yours

I know you bring me no satisfaction and I know I will never win against you in these battles and yet it’s so natural for me to hurt myself for you

Some lines aren’t meant to be crossed
I know that
I’ve always known that
But you’re a line I want to cross 100 times over and over again

Some lines aren’t even meant cross paths  
I know that
I learned that when I was very young
But you and I were never meant to be parallel lines, we were born to intersect

I don't want to keep being your maybe
I don't want to keep being your hypothetical
I don't want to keep being your shadowed fantasy
I don't want to keep being your naughty little secret
I don't want to keep being your ***** on the back burner
I don't want to keep being your inferior alternative
I don't want to keep being plan B

I want to be the girl, the one, you know what I mean

The laugh that keeps you craving more and more
The smile that makes a day full of rain feel like a sunflower garden
The touch that makes the pains of yesterday feel non existent
The snicker that reminds you of play time as a 6 year old
The sarcasm that keeps you on your toes
The soft voice that makes you think about how good of a partner I would be
The drive that makes you want to be a better man, better future husband, future father

Instead, I am the token of *** that makes you hard
Instead, I am the moan that distracts you from your problems you pretend to ignore
Instead, I am the breath of fresh air that reminds you how suffocated you have felt for years
Instead, I am the burden that you can't seem to ignore
Instead, I am the voice in the back of your head telling you that you need to make a decision and you hate me for that

I don't want to fall for you. But I think it's five months too late for those emotions

I hope she knows I am sorry
I hope she knows I don't mean the nasty things I have said behind her back
I mean, I'm sure she's great, I mean, I'm sure she's a delight
I mean, I didn't want to have this happen
I am mean

I hope she knows things will get better for her
I hope she knows I don't want her to be alone forever, but this one should be mine
I mean, I'm sure her smile is nice, I mean, I'm sure she has lots of things going for her
I mean, I didn't know I would feel like this
I am mean

I hope she knows I cry at night knowing what I have done
I hope she knows I know I am the worst kind of woman for being this person
I mean, I'm sure her voice is kind, I mean, I'm sure she makes people's day all the time
I mean, I didn't mean to hurt a happy home
I am so mean

You know my secrets
I chose to give those to you

You know my pain
I chose to give that to you

You know all of my vulnerabilities
I chose to give them over to you

You have my heart
You took that from me

What else can I pass on to you before I become enough?

I didn't want to fall for you

****, I didn't even want to like you

Those days I was so busy being abused by someone else and these days I am so busy thinking about you constantly

So it's been 10 months since I set sight on your reserved smile and bright eyes and I have thought about it every day since

You didn't even know my little details but you watched me fall apart and bawl the day my dad died

I sat there on the cold tile floor and you had to take over things for me and I think several of the best parts of me died that day

But there are so many parts of me more alive than ever now and those okay parts yearn for you

I want to forget you exist some days, forget the common grounds we share and the bonds we have created

I can't I can't I can't

I don't want to fall in love with you