I want to fall asleep next to you like I used to when I was 15
You know when we would make the most of our time together because there was so little of it
The time when each and every time felt like the first time
I miss those times
I want to fall asleep next to you and feel your lips graze the tip of my nose
All I want is to become emotionally naked to you and tell you every feel from the past five years without you
Everything, all my pain, my joys, my memories, I want to fill you in on my life
And I want to know everything I missed about yours
Does Journey still make you smile and dance?
Do forehead kisses still melt your heart?
Is your mom still intolerable?
Are your dogs still obese and still crazy?
Do your brothers still remember me as a koala?
Do you still remember playing the guitar as I sang Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen for a talent show?
Do you remember our first kiss in a stairwell?
Do you remember how I was so angry at you I broke plates and cried for hours?
Do you remember how before we were together you were my best friend?
Do you remember how we were together on the couch when Michael Jackson died?
Do you remember how you wrote me a letter every single day the first summer we spent apart?
Do you remember when we experimented with chocolate syrup and whipped cream and it was so embarrassing to be so sticky and we just laughed?
Do you remember how you always would let me have the bubbled chips because they were my favorite?
Do you remember the time we walked home along the railroad tracks and I stayed behind to take photos of you being so handsome?
Do you remember running two miles in the pouring rain to bring me an umbrella?
Do you remember that first time we broke up and nothing felt right so we had to fix things?
Do you remember why we fell in love?
So many unanswered questions
I want to strip down for you
I don’t mean sexually
I want to strip down all my walls and release everything I meant to say to you now
Five years later and this still feels like a mistake
Five whole ******* years
I want to fall asleep next to you

Did I love him right away?
No
Absolutely not
I don’t even think I liked him right away
He was cold, he was reckless, he was bitter
But his smile, when he smiled, he could light up a room
Did he love me right away? Of course not
I was loud, I was gaudy, I was too chipper and my laugh could make ears bleed
But somewhere along the way, somewhere along those years from 18-23...it started blending together and made perfect sense
I kept him alive and he kept me safe
Now here we are
And when we see each other on the street we might wave and we might share a smirk
But that is nothing compared to the energy we could have between us if things had gone differently
Nothing can compare to the epic love story that may have been, could have been, would have been

There have been days where I have woken up with nothing but pure excitement for the journey of my day
But there have been so many days where I cannot even fathom the idea of inching my way out of bed
There are nights where I look forward to gathering with friends and being out and enjoying the moonlight
But there have been so many nights where I cannot even dream of anything besides being alone with a bottle of whatever
Highs and lows
Depression knows no bounds
It doesn’t play favorites
It doesn’t come every day, but it is always there
Depression doesn’t know that it was my best friends birthday and I promised I’d make it to the club
Depression only knows it’s December 23rd and it’s time to listen to the same song for the 17th time in a row
Depression only knows that I haven’t eaten in 2 days and this bottle will demolish my sanity
Depression can only see that if I don’t have the mental capacity to acknowledge my problems, then maybe they don’t exist
It doesn’t come every day
But it’s always there

He made sure I knew just how lucky I was to have him
But he never hit me
He played games with my emotions repeatedly
But he never hit me
He made sure I didn’t leave the house in a skirt above the knees
But he never hit me
He knew the words to say to make me feel so small that I could not breathe
But he never hit me
He tossed me in and out, in and out, until my mind was in an out of control tizzy
But he never hit me
He messed around on the side late at night while I rested in our bed
But he never hit me
He made it clear that I wasn’t to go out at night with the girls
But he never hit me
He told me over and over again just how hard it would be to find anyone else to deal with me
But he never hit me
He fell asleep safe and sound as I laid in bed trying to catch my breath through tears
But he never hit me
He needed to have the password to every device, app and account
But he never hit me
He knew the power he held and used it over my head to weaken me
But he never hit me
He made jokes at my expense in front of friends and family and we all giggled together instead of cringed
But he never hit me
He assured me the women he texted were coworkers or colleagues but I could never know what they spoke of
But he never hit me
He made it clear that my interests and goals were not of pertinence
But he never hit me
He knew the exact words to say to take my entire day downhill
But he never hit me
He broke my heart over and over and over again until it was minuscule shreds
But he never hit me

Even on my very worst and most vulnerable day
I am still the villain in someone elses story
That does not mean I have not been the hero in many others

Even if my light outshines my deepest darkness, the dark still exists
We all have the capacity to hold back our darkness
I am stronger than others, not better