You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness

Menthol Madness creeps into my head.  
Tattooed Touch fills my mind.

I am not ready for this day to end. I never am - a lover of the night, I blur the lines between sunrise and sunset frequently. I lie on my back and think of skin, smoke, sense. My senses feel deprived. I need stimulation, stimulants....something. No one is awake. I am restless, unable to sleep.

What keeps me awake all of these nights? What occupies my mind during these hours? What keeps me up at night?

you make me wish
i weren't this sad,
this empty.

you make me feel
like i could have loved,
i could have laughed,
i could have smiled
like you in the sunshine.

you make me wish
i weren't made
of pastel browns
and muted blues.

so i could
fit into your
technicolor life
with you.

you make me believe
i can step into your world
when you take my hand.

you make me
forget my chains.

but i'm ******* anyway.

it's winter
and I find myself constantly surrounded by you.
your laughter and your smile,
the way you speak and the words that form on your lips.

but it's different now.
my feelings have faded, dulled in a sense,
they do not stab me in the way they used to, for time heals,
and like the cold winter wind, I have decided to move ahead.

but I still catch a glimpse of you every now and then,
and I see that glimmer in your eyes that I saw on those late July nights,
when heat enveloped the earth and crickets hummed long into the night,
when you would look at the stars as if they were your only hope in the world.

that intelligence is still there, crystal blue, but it's winter
and I am cold.

The year is slowly coming to an end
All i can think of is how that night ended
A month once the clock ticks twelve
Will these feelings be ever reciprocated
Or it will forever be one sided

One night
I had a dream in black and white
in my view
was the boy I once knew
he used to bring me so much joy
but I realized he treated me like a toy
just seeing him I became so blind
as in fantasy he acted so kind
but when I awoke I came to see
what truly has become of me
laying in silence with my heart
hollowed out and torn apart

Nicotine*

It was only supposed to be
a tiny, miniscule taste
but love had other ideas.
You are a cloudless sky
in my clouded mind,
In the end, I'm always
craving you.

You ever get that feeling that repeats,
like abstinence from nicotine?
You ever get that feeling of
wanting to be
numbed into bliss,
risking narrowed veins and arteries
for just one mind-silencing kiss?

I'll let passion sear my heart
and won't hear what my insecurities
love to whisper into my abused ears;
I can polarize what's blurred
and what's clear.