(gulp)

couldn’t resist a minute more.

Relapse

I again…

After six months sober

Here.

in this pain I know all too well.

Ten years lost to this drug, my veins ache for.

First breath in the morning and last thought at night all consumed by it,

Every cell in me craves it.

That physical euphoria my body portraits.

Feels like someone has poured pure joy into every single muscle and fiber of my being.

It makes me feel so content

I am literally in love the entire world.

Every single bit of me is singing and buzzing with life and love.

It’s like the ecstasy of *******. That first, blissful, pleasurable pulsation of endorphin's and serotonin.

Is what I feel when I first take LOVE.

And then,

And then, the honeymoon stage is over.

Fights erupt,

never-ending debates,

miscommunications,

misperceptions,

no trust,

accusations,

lies,

“I’m done”

…

Again, it feels like a part of my soul is leaving my body.

Again, sitting here numb.

A toxic love

I’m addicted too,

And there’s no way around it.

It’s already deep intertwined with my veins.

Yet no matter the toxic tragic event that happened before, I sit here, and I want nothing more than to spend my life next to this soul.

To see his eyes unchanged as the skin around it wrinkling and old, is what my heart will always desire, to stare at those eyes for the rest of eternity.

Dead air…


















So here I’ll wait, until you decided to come into my life again and repeat this déjà vu.

The riveting heart feels
the weight of trouble
The rebel is like a watchdog
sentinel
Whats in our Bible?
Things change to make the
difference

"Like a new invention but there is interference"

The Castle you hear
a rattle wasn't a baby rattle
Minds settling or quietly dazing
No defeating over the rainbow
It's like running then you stop
You look at his watered fingers
Of the great lakes, he's admiring
your lady's fingers

Lips divine as one like us
The gold rush collection
Just a secret hush affection
A treaty concession
Picking out the candy
          Skittle
The pivoting flying shy like a sky
riddle
Him or Her piloting its time
Two sets of eyes world of exploring
Not to keen
on exploiting

Her dress movie flowing prayers to
be answered so vain
Heads Spin city flaunting
Defeats us haunting
Who loves us
Who will help us
       SOS
Like a delicacy one of a kind
She's the rebel let her guess
Such a rarity smile with
dignity dressed up doll
she is dainty
To many disguises to face the
mirror of vanity
Rebel Rebel David Bowie
He is a genius of music
Shines a world gigantic

Rebel world of cults and sanity
What was heavily Tis
To be blessed
Rebels of hearts of Madonna
Greyhound bus

Our scorched finger heats
Riding the *Porshe Red firehouse
A beat something rare but overly sweet
Robin risque I  need more clues
Braveheart Riding hood in the woods
to be saved in her rebel shoe's

Queen heads up with the Dean
 Her embossed gold letters
Of a spell, forever mean
The heats on rebels defeat over
Modern time the "Dell"

Rebel wish from a deserving well

Computer and devil decipher
Compelled to love her
The Dark Shadows mansion
Angelique scarlet fever
Dark inside her label dress
What did he deliver?
"'Who lives by the standard rule messy is ****"
Rebel rebel look at your bloodshot pupils
taking things for granted

Freakish odd things posted
Are bizarre even her brassiere
Mean as a *Manchette
We are not as one
normal read the Gazette
More rivals and feather
pen of forgery
What a hard act to follow like surgery
Every molecule being
dissected to poke
A love primal no
common ground
This isn't a joke

Everyone tantalizing tribal
Creatures not in direct sunlight
Defeats us like rebels at night
Being inconsistent rebels
lead the way but far away
distant

We are not realizing what defeats us
Endorphin releasing our energy
Lifting our orphan spirits
Moon worshipper climbers
We are the simple people
Nothing too explicit
Or razor sharp to cut us

The Messiah
Solomon Torah of Isreal
Old Testament Jerusalem
Everything is way too ****** red
Like Salem
What defeats us
Voodoo or Christmas Hoo Hoo

Santas gift got stolen and snatched
Having a fight with a door latch
Magic somehow not in our favor to match
Tragic music rock or swing jazz of a glitch
But everything defeats us
Psychic third eye
She is so tragically hurt
So Manic not the
brave rebel flirt

Like the limited edition
So many of us are uninvited
Not the VIP pass
Ressurection new rebel convention
Unique kind of communication

The last time I saw you on vacation
Relic hunters the lightning
Hells Angel rider conjuring
What mouths to feed of thunder
Nazis all  our undivided
attention pictures
They snap having a field day
of paparazzi
Priestesses devil wears the
Prada dresses were out
of designers
I wonder why to travel heretics
Such treachery and butchery
Being grilled like steaks but
not a Dynasty
Too graffitied feeling fried
How loves are taken like the fools

The business arrangements
Foreign exchange groups
Rebelling their way
through college
Time is the essence of
being mutual
beneficial much
higher potential
More spiritual rituals
We need more Gods of top
rank **Generals
General Mills cereal at least
not the serial killer

Endorphin showers for hours
Crash my waves of sorrow and bring me muscles to shine on the world viewed as imperfect.
Its the happiness I never want to leave but it drifts,
its white cloud up and up,
Contact high as it passes my friends I want to share
To care for you all
Vibe in this opposite of ominous
parade bound for cheer, without beer just extracted hormones.
I’ll twirl you like a pencil
dizzy
yet gay, for a day, where I can make someone
you
Happy:)

Your smell particles,
the
air
I breathe
The drug I need,
the endorphin I need...

Simply missing your presence,...
--how you said you loved me,
your warmth,
your gentleness,...
-- and the consciousness that you're there, ...

... Even though not in person ...

As I spread my arms for your voice...
Silence answered me, ...
Nothingness whispered he's here...
--a sole hero walking against the desert scorching sun...

Now the roses you gave me had withered and died...--
As how you felt towards me...
Nurtured, then cut off to whiter and dry ...

Unspoken words behind your tightly clasped lips,
the embers in your eyes betrayed you, dear ...
Cold
As
snow,
Not as pure
Murky as ridden by dirt...

You are another trinket,...
I close the chest of your shadow...
I'd never cut your wings,
so there, off you go,... --off with the stream,...

... cascading into nothingness ...

The beauty summons us to see
But it pushes us back to where
we want to be
So let it be I don't think so?
And if its just so why are you
dropping a hint

It's my call falling for him
Stairway to Brain heaven
The Godly lights epic picks
Start to  dim

Conquering him
The Christopher Columbus
The brains of America going out
of my mind

But falling for someone
please have a decent loving
heart humankind

I hear two people calling
Two brains are far apart

Our brain the happening
Your awakening to stretch
Play it smart
One drop falling

Two waterfalls
The Seasons summer
Your brain is
Springing eyes emerging
and falling in love
In the fall

New love calls
Sometimes the relationship
falls
The brain of the throne
All you see are dead head clones
Frankenstein met the blind man
His brain was wicked and strange
But changed to a kind man
The brain is governed by madness
Like your falling stars

Like the last laugh the class clown
Even you feel like your falling
In another outer- limit town
The brain is over your limit
something to fight off the
bad memories
  Or the enemies and the fight
Something you feel in your brain
Kicked the daylights out of you
And at night the moon is spinning
You don't know where it's turning
You're under the cusp fighting

Your arm wrestling but your mind is
Scarlet falling (Gone with the Wind) in
another direction
There is something in the way
With your brain needs
more affection
Like the endorphin

Reproduce repair damage
We need more fuel to kick start it
And gasoline it up
With the right outlook, it could be years
to understand but don't give up
I got a brain my (Cafe) shock full of brains
on my intellectual cup

  The sword up to experiment like
the sorcerer keeping some distance
to his lover
Your brain is an experience
like no other
The world is a brain
relationship it
needs to be worked on
My fuel is my Coffee
Welcome Hi  Chai Tea join me

The spiritual connection
feeding you
Staying healthy  looking up
All the greens kale or broccoli
The super brain women her
Superman
vitamins
The better balance
of life and good company
Your spiritual awareness
Somehow over thinking
got you careless
Don't let your brain
fall into a ditch
We are the world opens up
to everyone

And show your kindness from the
ridiculous to the sublime just ****
on a lemon or lime

Goes timber tree watch out you
were close enough to see it fall
Being selective this is not about
Taking electives starting to fail
Or falling he sees you high up on the
cliff
The beach-tropics more brain wired
topics taking a sniff
Your brain waves flooding your
vacation

Niagara Falls looking out the big
Mr. Anderson window hands
perfectly fall together
He had such a Fall-out with the
The manager he did fall for her
That heavy smoke the cigarette bud
Needed to be put out
You sneeze a wrong time to say
(God Bless you) you felt timeout
And what about the world
They must mean something
there all not
computer dummies

The barbecue nightmare
Did you go brain dead
But falling torrential rain
over bodies to be wed
The rarity of the mind fuse
has been
blown out
Like he saw falling stars so intricate
out of blown glass

( Florence Italy) a wedding started
to fall right
into place

The Royce Royce was as
white as her skin and wedding gown

But your used car needed a tune-up
All sounds of the motor clunk junkyard
Her brain was the volcano her mouth was
as loud
as the falling rocks
By the high up docks, where was her brains
no one heard you
On the deserted Island, the bird was
flying in flocks

The cortex of her brain rocks on
the  house drink

We love to watch the falling leaves
something you saw
On her white sheer blouse,
your teardrops
falling on her heart sleeve
Endless lifeless, loveliness,
All streams
But not your girl Brook_*

In October remember the falling
red fire the mass between the
Einstein brain of words
you got hired blinded by stars
Leaves were mixed the brown
warm cocoa
hot desire the  terra cotta-gold
The Villa seashore was sold
What we put in our brain is endless
We need to tightly hold

Our  kitten mittens her nose tip of the snow
So cold but someone is there to
pick you up when you fall
Do you believe falling in love is timeless

Sometimes I need someone

let us have a chat
meet somewhere here
or in a conversation box

we could laugh together
and share some
endorphin sweets

cutting isn't enough
red lines, welling up
from my heart

the kerfs of my tribe
saw teeth, welling up
from my heart

and read my poetry
red lines, welling up
from my heart

I broke again today.
The earth shattering at my feet
became a mountain beneath my toes
of all the things I should try to hold back.
Hold it back.
Deny yourself the freedom of expression
because it will linger upon your wrists.
Stop yourself here.
I try to stop myself in my tracks
but I end up getting stuck in the mud
and there's no one here to help me out
so I end up sinking again.
As the waste reaches my mouth
I am silenced.
The will I had to bring myself out of this mold
has vanished and I am a sinking ship once again.
No one ever tells you how to cope.
How to trace your fingers across scares you've made for yourself-
how to turn this madness into something so beautiful.
No one knows what it's like.

I was 17 when I discovered I had manic depression-
the words left my therapists lips like they were an execution notice.
"This isn't a diagnosis" she muttered
"This is who you are, who you've always been
it's not a death sentence".
But why did I feel as if I was being sent to death row-
to be hung by the noose I had made myself
out of tragedy and molestation and abuse.
There were no flowers at this burial.
Just a long awaited sigh of relief.
I always knew I wasn't like everyone else.
She drew me a picture of what it was like-
there were five stages of the imbalance living in my bones.
Major depression, dysthymia, normalcy, hypomania and mania-
she drew me a picture like she was trying to map me out
like she was drawing a Ned's declassified Bipolar Survival guide-
She explained it well.
How the days of normalcy tend to come and go again and again
but the mania and the major depression
pack their bags and stay awhile.
The major depression is like
a visit from a mentally abusive family member
that makes a point to tell you what the **** is wrong with you
when you already know, you tell yourself the same things everyday.
But the mania is like you're fun aunt that buys you beer
and tells you it's okay to **** whoever you want.
Get that piercing, dye your hair, who gives a ****?
The world is yours and the endorphin high you're on-
yeah that's your best ******* friend.
That's the aunt you wish you could be-
and sometimes they take you out on dinner dates-
they'll tell you how horrible you are and remind you
of all the things you have to be worried about.
They fill your head with nonsense and anxiety-
they convince you life would be better without you.
But then you remember what the mania feels like
when it's just the both of you bonding over ice cream
and spending too much money on thing you don't need-
you don't ever want her to leave..
"The mania is why most people don't get help" she said.

Mental illnesses are like actual illnesses-
they're a chemical imbalance in your brain
and you don't tell someone with diabetes
"Oh hey, just think that you're insulin is fine and it will be"
It doesn't ******* work like that.
See the Norepinephrine ran away when I was young
and the lack their of decided to hangout with serotonin.
They became best friends-
so I became the third wheel
and suddenly they both just stopped coming around.
I found a journal from when I was seven-
It said, "I don't want to be here anymore."
Most seven year old were taking care of furby's
or watching saturday morning cartoons-
But me? I wanted to end my life
like it was another ******* rerun
of the same episode you ******* hated
and all you want to do is turn it the *******
but there's really nothing else on TV
so you watch anyway.
Idly sitting there as you're hating every second-
But I'm still alive.
And these hands have dealt with more than just cuts
and pills bottles that became empty with mania that became worse-
I'm staring blankly at this page she drew for me.
Mapping out my mania like it's roller coaster tycoon
I think I'll call it Avalanche because ever since
I was labeled as having "Manic Depression",
I've been climbing my battles ever since-
even though some days, they try to fight back.  
There was a word to the way I was feeling
and a map to express it.
I felt like when I was young and I led Dora to the correct place-
all because of the map guiding her to her destination.
My therapist gave me the map-
she drew my way into understanding.
I haven't found my way home quite yet-
but at least I now know where I'm going.

Four months
Too long
Too cold
Too dark
Too busy
Held ransom
By reasons
No excuses
Idiopathic idiocy
Pathological apathy
Four months
Of pain
Eradicated by
four seconds
Of cycling
Cognitive breakthrough
A synaptic symphony
Endorphin re-indoctrination
Free flight
From myself
Four months
*******

Well !
To justify the word
"Perfect"
All great artists
Have invested
Some more ink
Some more color
Some more truth
Some more sense
Some more time
Some more endorphin
Some more emotion
To detail
Their perception

Honoring the spirit
With passion to prime
Their enthusiasm
And insight to give
Eternal life endlessly
Consoling their soul
They invest

Nothing more

I hate digital alarm clocks.

The eerie way they light a room in the deep of night and that silent way they have of counting down the hours of life left.

It just leaves me exhausted!

At 12.47am I woke to a flickering red haze across my bedroom ceiling that seemed to spread like a stain down the walls to pool on the floor.
Now, I know I should not be reading Amityville Horror in bed, on a full stomach and I’m pretty sure that the block of chocolate that I snacked on while reading may have upped the ante in the endorphin stakes but combined with that evil digital alarm clock I was wide awake at 12.47am and the curtains at the open window were flickering across the harsh red numbers.

The oddest scene was playing around me, like a bad play where all the actors rolled around in a vat of blood before they stepped up.

Kratos and Ares, in full battle regalia where crossing swords with a ferocity of a westerly wind fleeing from Zephyrus himself. The clang of steel was loud in my head and beat a pulse behind my eyes that watched them move around the end of the bed and along the wall along side of me.

The breeze slithering through the trees and through my open window bought whispered entreaties to my ears…

“She mine Ares! I saw her first, I will have her. She is my Yin! I will possess my other half!”

Clang, clang, grunt, clang

“Kratos, you do not know me well to think that I will not fight for the one that can stand with the God of War! I will have her”

Clang, ******, parry, clang

Now, this is where I got really confused.

I was starting to think that the red haze fluttering around the room was from my bleeding eyes because it was now 4.27am and more than 3 hours of my life were gone.

How was I supposed to get that back?

I was idyllically pondering what a Yin was while being gobsmacked by the fact that I was actually the other half of something. But being the other half of Strength?

What does that make me?

Weakness?

What would my Greek name be?

Profligatus?

But that didn’t concern me more than what Ares wanted with me? How strong did he think I was? Sure, I’m a bit prickly at times but for the God of War to focus on me? ****, and I thought I had curbed my enthusiastic condemnation of humanity… Obviously I had not!

But who am I kidding! It was really very nice to have them fighting over me. I’m not really sure who drew first blood (because of the ****** evil digital alarm clock glow) but I’m sure I would have swooned into whomevers arms reached down to claim me had it not been for the sound of the evacuation alarm.

ER ER ER ER ER ER ER ER*

****, ****, ****, the sun has crept over the horizon and has lightened the darkened theater that is my bedroom and it’s the alarm clock that is shrieking a warning that it’s time to start a new day.

****! I’m not ready for this. I’m tired, I want more dreaming, or awakening, or whatever the hell that was!

Most of all I want to know…

What did it all mean?

(Litos)
Hey yo start the beat
I'm Coño mixed with “pardon me”
and part of me thought to see
the kid behind the harmony,
where’s the scholarly artistry?
you burn my chest so viciously,
Caught heart disease,
these bars, emcee
are so clogged into your arteries.

(Yeshua)
I know its hard to be
as raw as me
and still rap consciously

(Litos)
But your consciously
conflicted between honesty and modesty.

(Yeshua)
Well honestly
I'm probably a prodigy
just trying to make a profit
of this prophecy
so I can feed the body
of the God in me.

(Litos)
We stay calm
with made bombs
and grey palms
Im saying what I say, calm!
But know this is my song.

Your the kid by the bricks with his homies to smoke ****.

(Yeshua)
No! I’m the kid in the back of the class getting no sleep.

(Litos)
Same story different penmanship
but this sentence in irreverent
Your browner than the cypher.

(Yeshua)
I'm In tune with my sentiments.
sonically logical
grammatically accurate.

(Litos)
Quick the masking
get off that fashion
you know you have to be disastrous.

(Yeshua)
You know my life
we hold the mic
my flow is to bring the soul to life
I met faith face to face
and that's the reason I roll the dice
I’m prolific with the written
and that’s the way you know its me
perfect with the poetry
and we don’t need to know to read.

(Litos)
Hey yo Yeshua do me a favor and elevate those decimals
and watch those foot soldiers dismember your generals

(Yeshua)
You promise me you'll forget it
but the feeling is unforgettable
but now I’m trying to get it
cause you said I wasn't ghettoble.

(Litos)
But I don’t need a step up stool
to ****** you off your pedestal.

(Yeshua)
Shut up!
My mother use to make me eat knowledge
instead of vegetables,
but now I grab a fork and knife
what ever metaphor is right,
Don’t swarm me like locust
You know I really don’t like to fight
i’ll beat a dead pig to life
don’t catch my photons
you’ll burn with light
cause I have skills like your favorite Emcee

(Litos)
Before the Hype?
now the locust is scattering like roaches
guess they saw the light
make them look so bad
you think they would want to fight?

(Yeshua)
Cause' when they see me speak
they start to laugh at me a first
then they get shattered
and they beg for me to do a verse

(Litos)
Dude? Your brain is disproportion
You have three endorphin?

(Yeshua)
They work when I
write words
perform words
or record them
and do it with no sleep
and beat breeze

Don’t ask me what that **** means
its a riddle with a sick scheme,

(Litos)
So put me on your playlist
don't put me on your **** list!
If you are just in this for business
then skip this.

(Yeshua)
But soon all you fools
in this
just witness
that this kid is gifted
like rich kids on Christmas.

(Litos)
The sickness with which I'm afflicted
is lethal
Yeshua be careful what you shoot up
through that needle.

(Yeshua)
SHUT THE **** UP!

I don't give a ****
You won't win this fight
cause' I won this fight
get off my mic...

You hurt, and you come to me.
It is a common mistake,
But can prove to be a lethal one.

I will tell you,
Day upon day,
Night after night,
That your life will not get better.
Has not. Cannot. Should not.

You rip me from a pencil sharpener,
Or from the thing you use to shave your legs.
You hate me,
Want to throw me out,
But no longer does it matter.

I see your tears an I absorb them.

Your face is so ugly when you cry.
You are beautiful,
And you give me the power to destroy that.
I love taking everything you care about,
Away from you in a singular moment.

You are sitting on the side of the bath tub.
I am in your hand, already sharp and poignant.
You lift me, and I get excited.
This is my time, I shout.
But will you survive it?

You are playing a game of Russian Roulette, my child.
I am a dangerous vice to keep hidden.
Your parents don't know,
Seeing as you wear sweatshirts even in the dead of summer.

The unforgiving letter on your wrists falls on deaf ears.
Considering that the only people who know,
Would not dare confront you.
They think they are protecting your friendship.
At that, I laugh.

You are no longer in control of your hand.
You follow me along the outlines on your arm.
And I am your instinct.
It is only a matter of time before you cut a little too deep,
And scare the hell out of yourself.

One question remains.
Why do you turn to me?
As some source of peace or escape?

I only give you partial pleasure,
For when I hit your skin,
I go knock on the doors,
Of my friends the Endorphin family.

However, they are getting older,
And the son Dopamine can has a curfew to make.
He will only stay present for so long.

You find yourself longing for more time with them.
So the next day, you cut again,
And you hate it.
But without fail, you still find relief.

I am a vicious cycle.
Soon enough your suicide note will be written in red.
Whether you hoped to die or not.

Your life is not your own anymore.

"Do you want to be with me"
sorry I don't know what to say--
as I hold their hand, it ripples
it is the rush of anxiety
but feels like water combing through my hands
as I get shampoo out of my hair; in the shower.  

There is a tremble in their breath
reminding me of catching droplets of water
in the canal of my ear
and having to tilt my head
for them to drop back into obscurity.

Their smell is fresh an aroma so soothing
feeling the clean scent of oranges and apples
a flourishing sample I briefly enjoy
when I pour a quarter sized dollop of shower gel.

Their eyes are watery
while they struggle to hide the parchness of their smile
is a somber reflection of hot water running out
and not having any heat left to turn towards
so the only option
is to get out of the shower.  

Their words are mumbled, but I can understand "why"
trying to hide the shakiness in their hands and breath
I can't help but imagine the endorphin's frantically
trying to take control; to fight or flight--  
A similar feeling I have when rushing
to get warm after a cold shower.

Man,
i have one hell of a mean appetite,
my brain is stuttering
and my fists are ready to fight.
Feel my mettle,
heat the core,
watch my face,
as my feet hit the floor..
Come one step deeper,
one head **** behind,
they say scream harder,
as i begin to lose my mind.
But there's no vouch in my voice,
and no breath beneath my chest,
i can hear the thunder roaring,
in the beating within my breast.
And i can't see the boundaries,
between where me and i begin,
you want to see me roar,
as if the game is ready to win.
I'm one step caning it,
3 steps naked on your floor,
I beg you to be harder
as you come through the door.
No-one asked for this music,
as i turned the juke-box on,
but i danced the night away til my feet bled,
and sang where there was no song.
I am 10 beats harder hitting,
My heartbeat is keep time,
throwing my hands up to the sky,
and i look for the horizon line.
Pull me in harder,
throw me out with the acrid air,
that you left with the ruffled sheets,
and memories of me being there.
I have a deep insatiable hunger,
that is lost upon the ground,
and i have a rumbling scream,
that is vacuum packed in sound.
Running, running like there are care packages,
being dropped from the sky,
yet everything is an illusion,
and i'm left digging through a 'wondering why'.
Shadow boxing in candle light,
with someone i barely know,
and i am ready, and i am ****** willing,
for you to enjoy the show.
*******, harder, faster,
til the sweat becomes pearls of dew from my lips,
and i bite hard down upon some skin,
and rip apart the sheets with my fingertips.
I taste, and choke, and i come up for air,
Hunger; hungry desire is written in my skin,
and i let my body release endorphin's
and i dance with the passionate demon within.
Eat me, excite me, exhume my heart,
my hands are shaking with pure white heat,
so i will sit quietly breathing nothing,
and calm myself from the soles of my feet.
Man,
do i have an appetite,
Come feed me
with cucumber sandwiches,
and cups of tea.

There has to be more to life
than the elaborate mix
of endorphin, serotonin and dopamine.
There has to be more to this moment
than that seductive dance
between fight, flight and adrenaline.
There has to be more to each instance
than the tantalizing stroke of color on the palette of the eye
or the soothing spice of music that brings us to sighs.
More to it than the anticipation of a lover's caress,
or the murmur of a long forgotten scent.
More to it than the cringing from death,
the constant race from pain,
fear
of cigarette smoke, radiation,
gluten and epidemics.
More to it than tears and kittens,
Bougainvillea bushes and hot-rods.
Treasure hunts, graffiti,
date nights and shopping malls.
There has to be more,
for if there isn't,
Why are we so afraid to let "This" go?
Why are we so afraid to die?

we stopped running sprints a while ago
each 100 yards traded for a pack of smokes
our sweat smells more like gin and *****
than it does hard work
Gave up ball control so we could get higher
Agility for hangovers
the only things we stretch are our wallets

Running with the forward
in a last ditch effort
I fall to the ground
They call it a slide tackle
It's more like an "I give up tackle"
and it hurts more now that you got that drunk tattoo
right on your *** this past 4th
taking shots from the halfway line
because we've taken too many shots to run any farther
and each goal means more
like we fought harder for it
and endurance is all but forgotten when I ran up to my brother
picking him up in the air as our team cheers and pats his back
the final whistle blows
and we are victorious
despite the fact our muscles are so knotted they feel like stone
high on an endorphin rush we shake the losing team's hands
not trying to hide our winners only smile
just because we are no longer athletic
doesn't mean that we forgot about our inner athlete

no mountain too high they said
i rip the wood from the trees,
to build the road to Juneau
and bathe in the endorphin river

dry my ankles
and let them breathe the cold air
so the people know
im just a nobody

break my hands
to feel my legs again

break me down
so i can love again

A bitter ****-fest of lollapalooza.
Burn(ing) me, man. but don't taze me, bro.

If I got high on legalized substances, am I still escaping?
Metaphoric endorphin rushing as patio furniture sits silently,
slowly choking as I fill it with my own ***.

I haven't written in so long, because I lack some passion.
I haven't written verbal joust in the form of bitter tongue because I felt it lacked restraint.

I ****** with a straight jacket; it felt great.
Perpetual virginity, a fool's errand running.
I have my V-card still; kind of... it's stunning.

I left a can of gasoline at an alien's house.
I came back and fire had engulfed what was left of my sorrows.

"I thirst," said He, the savior of the world.
Let's all ignore the singing signs of everything, boys... girls...

I have not a word to say in recompense for exploitation of your idiotic murmurings.
Well done, my good and faithful burdenings.

I can't speak to what hasn't yet been said,
but I can sure as hell guestimate, that we'd probably all be dead.

This **** ain't free.
Thank you, Kendrick Lamar, for reminding me.

This is me unfettered.
This is me unchained.
Give me a pen and some paper:
this **** will get strange.

I am Fred Astaire with a **** so fine, you'd think it's aged wine the way it twirls and floats.

Breaking up is ******, now put this poem down your throat.

along the well travelled road by the side of hwy 92
in Alabama , I took the long way getting here,
most mysterious days I spent on hallucinogenics
back in Michigan a long ways from here
many years ago spent liquor fueled nights
with all the Tourist girls in Ft. Walton Beach,
Andalusia is where I thought I had
settled down, with wife and kids.
gave Denver a whirl back in the
Disco days,
Then I found Clayhatchee, sort of a resting place,
for my Endorphin lacking mind to rest. Found there,
I did, a sort of calm, no shortages of drama.
Everyone knowing you, talking , I heard so much
of every other person living here, all their ***** laundry,
how could I not fit in?
As soon as I unpacked I was involved with everyone's ex,
at least in the rumors, had all the old hardlegs jealous.
Hell, I may move again, to New Mexico. Or just stay here,
and call them all loco as I dial my phone, for some
more endorphins.

Hitting the bag hard.  Contracting the muscles. Pushing the limits.  Everyday is a workday in the gym. Boxing is a tough sport and injuries do happen, but the main draw is the test, and the endorphin high.

Outside the ring, time is more fluid.  The clock continues to tick but, for most people, the seconds don't count.

A knockout can arrive in the blink of an eye.  You think you know the ropes, the footwork, the patterns, and then wham!

Like a car-wreck.  One minute you're buzzing down the freeway, listening to tunes on the radio, and kaboom, what the hell???

Instant change, up becomes down, and for some it's down and out!

Twelve rounds, the bell sounds, points are tallied, did you make the grade, did you put in your best?

It's everyday life played out as spectacle. Twelve rounds in the squared circle and then your time has passed.

the air touching my skin was noticeably warmer this week
and today is the First of March
and people are beginning to talk about Daylight Savings Time
and there's that familiar excitement in my chest again
the Spring butterflies returning to my stomach
every time I smell the electric ozone scent of
growth
energy
power
life
carried in the warm, wet breeze blowing from the west
it's the chill down my spine
and the recurring gooseflesh
anxiously awaiting all the unknown
possibilities
opportunities
drifting in on the wind
every day it seems the Sun changes color a little more
shading from the hazy white-blue hue of Winter
toward the bright hot yellow-orange fireball of Summer
and I swear I can taste that color shift with my skin
licking it up
cat bath of photons
drinking it down
sunlight pouring straight into me as
endorphin
serotonin
dopamine
adrenaline
altering my basic chemical makeup
transforming
regrowing
my Self
coming back to life
waking the **** up
waking the world up
I can feel it
I know it's time to move again
time to run again
time to drift again
time to dance again
time to **** again
time to kiss again
time to drink again
time to feel again
feel these things again
feel awake and excited and anxious and nervous and alive again
I can feel all of it beginning right now
with every new sensation when I step outside
I feel the familiar twitch of that little seed growing in the center of me
stronger each day
getting ready to burst

I've Finally Done It,
I've Finally Fallen Madly, Deeply And Passionately In Love With Someone...
Someone I Can't Have,
No Matter How Hard I Try There Is No Possibility Of Anything.
I've Been Betrayed By My Own Heart,
My Brain Can't Even Help Me Out This Time Seeing As Its To Clogged Up With Thoughts Of You.
This Feeling So Intense,
I Miss You Every Second, Of Every Waking Moment.
You're Smile Is The Ultimate Endorphin Catalyst,
My Heart Rushes When You're Near.
I Have Purpose With You,
It All Makes Sense.
We Have So Much In Common,
We Share The Same Sick Sense Of Humour,
The Same Music That Most People Don't Understand Or Like.
I've Actually Been Asked If We Were Together,
I Had To Force Myself To Mutter The Unfortunate Answer That Was No,
Then I Get The Even More Bewildering Question, Why Not?
Well The Answer Is Very Simple,
But I Shall Not Say.
It Is Not My Place And If I Did And You Happened To Stumble Upon This It Would Be Up,
There Would Be Awkwardness In The Friendship Leading To It's Demise,
And As Much As It Destroys Me To Only Have You As A Friend I Would Rather Have That Than Nothing At All.
I Just Wish There Could Be A Way To Express My Feeling To You Without Fear,
Without Fear That It Might Back Fire And I Might Lose You Permanently.
The Thought Of Your Love Is Making Me Itch,
Even As I Write These Lines You Haunt And Pollute My Mind,
Never leaving
Always Near And Never Far,
Not One Thought To Be Forgotten.
I Think I Shall Just Have To Wait This One Out,
See Where Your Heart Will Come To Rest And What I Can Do To Assure You I'm The Right Person.
It Seem's Like A Wasted Love I Know,
But It's Not,
I'd Rather Be Like This Than In A Relationship And Unhappy While Thinking Of You.
It's Time To Go Now,
Not That You Will Be Going Anywhere Soon,
I Have A Feeling You Will Be With Me Until The End Of Time.

35

#35 on the menu sounded good,
though not pronounceable by my Minnesota tongue.
With a Thai accent, the waiter asked
how we’d like our food, mild, medium or hot.
My friends and my wife opted for mild but I chose hot;
I’d heard really hot peppers turn the key
that unlocks the endorphin cabinet,
and being a child of the ‘60s, I knew what was inside.

I chose boneless chicken, carrots cut to look like flowers,
green beans, and broccoli with mushrooms and rice
lightly sauteed to just beyond crunchy,
all sprinkled with red pepper flakes.

After the first forkfull, my tongue ignited, my lips kindled
and my face took on the color of a cayenne sunrise.
With the second taste, salt water,
the ocean we all carry inside our bodies,
reached high tide on my forehead.,
Waves of sweat broke on the beach of my face.

I gulped ice water and beer, glass after glass, but the heat increased
as in between ice cubes I shoveled more delicious coal on the fire,
unable to stop until my stomach could hold no more
and I had to ask for a carry-out container.

After a night of flaming dreams,
I woke with my lips still atingle, my tongue crackling.
Gasping for cool air, I remembered the take-home box,
half ran to the kitchen for well water and ice,
filled a pitcher, placed it in the fridge,
salivating with anticipation of lunch
and another dose of #35.

I’ve been holding my breath
too many nights in a row

Trying to move onward
but my progress is slow

I keep thinking I’m fine
that I am finally sane

But then I catch a glimpse
and I relapse again

You’re like a drug to me
an endorphin injection

I remember the past
our affection—perfection

But now you are not here
and that brightness is long gone

I see from a distance
exactly how you moved on

tongues tied inside our mouths
eyes closed to the endorphin rush
from sensations of feel and touch
as we explore the possibilities
of just how far we want to go

tongues tied inside our mouths
from intimacy to strangers now
separated by fear and trust
the spell is broken magic dispelled
what's been seen can't be forgotten

take me
to the
space where
the  magnets of
                  our souls
rise up in mad thunder
sadness pushed
right out of stratosphere
a tidal wave rush,
       no warning--
as flames seep
through our skin
the burn cleansing
those cracked cuts
                          of glass,
searing granules of pain
that foam up
             from our pasts
and our wounds
get so pumped up
with love
       they bloom exotic
into
      floral entities
curious and strong
offbeat shapes
of undefined texture-
yet they suit us,
each throbbing petal
      intoxicated in
endorphin glow,
         softening as
tender eyefuls
of kisses embed
themselves in
our torrid earth

I will wrap my tendrils
                       around you
I will carry us, freshly seeded
   through these aching,
whipped-up winds
I will follow the arcs
  of aurora borealis
         beatific crystalline
I will let the wings beat
fast and full,
as they are meant to
I will release the
quicksand haze
of heaviness
that sometimes consumes us
and unravel depths
of the chaos within
In the meantime
just underneath,
a mere scratch
   under surface
a width of a molecule
from the pulse of skin
roars the breath of
            eternal blaze
etched in the silent layers
of your
              tattooed gaze
inked upon my essence
           in ancient runes
carved upon my heart
my quivering thighs,
a bond sealed in blood
and lingering sighs
Under dark rocks
rays of prismatic
                     rainbows
burst forth
unexpectedly,
        in phosphorescent miracle
release us from
our caged-up fury
Liquids morph into solid,
still iridescently fluvial
I reach out to you
pour fire
       in your veins,
for you are
      my Light
ebullating our souls
in healing trance
through the
       restless echoes
of
      night

all that you are is the last bits of hope-
the ones to blame in times of despair,
endorphin sprinkled on a void
uncontrollable glitches on a perfection

clenched teeth,
sweaty palms
high-pitched voice,
monotone talks

all you hear is untried wishes
and throwaway dreams
fresh regrets,
and cosmic what if's

all that you are is my last bits of hope
and this is a love like hospital prayers

Pull your hair out, pull your ******* hair out.
Punch yourself in the face you ******* deserve it.
Can't breathe again.
Weights pressing down on your chest.
**** not again, no not again.
Gonna say something you regret-
Don't ******* text him, don't do it.
******* did it.
Great, now your relationship will probably be over.
Everything feels over, everything is ending.
I want everything to end...

The tears stream down my face
the lungs I use to breathe are the only things holding me back
these hands I use to write are gripping the pavement again
because I don't think I've ever felt so low.
But just yesterday I was on such an endorphin high
I was running in the rain until my socks were
just puddles below my feet
the sky was just an outline of the child I used to be
and now everything feels so ******* temporary-
you can't catch your breath long enough to tell yourself
everything will be okay and somehow earlier today
you were doing just fine.
But these hand clutch your skull again
as you pull your hair-
hoping you are ripped to shreds
because you are trapped inside yourself
a prisoner of your own body and it will never leave
everyday you fight harder to survive
but it seems like each ******* episode gets worse.
Every mistake makes you feel worse-
every mis-autocorrected word on your phone is like
someone punching you in the throat
and you somehow let that control you and you breakdown-
throw your phone and it crashes at the wall again.
You hate yourself for these things you can't control.
Everyday is a battle you can't win
and everything falls to the ground again-
including yourself.
There is a city upon your shoulders now
and it seems your mind is only building it even higher-
you wished you could throw it off but it's getting too heavy now.
All you can do is sit and wait for it to crush you from the inside out-
slowing breaking you down one missed phone call
and un-replied text message at a time
you are breaking down.
All the help you once searched for has gone out of business
and the man on the inside ran away because it was too much to handle-
you've always been to much to handle.
But those days when everything seems wonderful come-
those days when the hands you possess seem like shooting stars
making your every wish come true again-
you are invincible.
Nights spent laughing at four walls encased with your sense of humor
and indulging yourself because everything seems so good again.
But you remember this won't last too long and your back-
back to agitation inside your bones and the war inside your head,
city on your shoulders you are crushed under the weight.

Some days it feels as if all I need is myself to make me happy-
some days it's this same self that brings me so much misery.
Other days I'm just myself, getting by like everyone else.
Then on the worst days, they all hold hands and become friends
they all form a clique and I become a target for misplaced aggression.
My manic depression is a bully, 6pm traffic jams-
and spills on your new t-shirt.
My manic depression is a sugar high, 3pm mid day naps
and waking up just in time for McDonald's breakfast.  
My manic depressions is nirvana and insanity
it holds my hand across busy streets-
but will also never let go of me.

What is love, a lustful rush of endorphin's?
As if I had the answer,
But what lesser being would I be,
If I respectfully chose not  to cipher.

What is love.

A modern sonnet, if olde words were staid,
Would stay in the minds of poets,
To marvel,  unravel, and cavalcade,
Laying in the beds of lovers

This is love.

Held forth on fingers damp
From kisses laid on lips.
The lover recites with flaccid mouth,
Lines to shiver and evoke.

Thoughts of love.

The rush of lust and endorphin twine,
And poets chase and mimics mime.
What is it, this is it, I think I know.
Ha! you thought, thought defined.

What is love.

Undefined.