it’s raining and there are four people
huddled in the living room under
a tin roof, and the rain droplets
pound down like our hearts,
thudding loudly, this friday afternoon

there isn’t enough room for a fireplace
and i think it’s growing colder with each
breath i shudder to take, but i like to
imagine that if all the broken pieces of
our hearts could be fitted together into one
a spark might, in the dark, ignite
enough to keep us warm for just tonight

do you still feel the wind creep
against the nape of your neck
when autumn blows its soft breeze?
my hair has since grown long
and dead in places; where life
used to spring from head and lung
rests some deadened pieces humming
a soft cry of longing and anticipation

“good morning” she whispered
“good morning, good morning, good morning” again
that’s what it means to be alive
every day, a celebration, in her eyes

spring permeates the air
and a warm fog you forgot
lays you in its arms bare
and there you remember lost

glimpses of birds soaring
and skinned knees from falling
you swore the sky wasn’t ready
and nothing was too heavy

whispers of trees beckoned
and branches were just steps
for you and your friends to heaven
and you wished this world was kept

in the palm of your tiny hand
instead of slipping through your fingers like sand

at a pastel pool i saw you in the ripples
of the tide. you gave that winning smile
but i was too busy skimming stones to
fall for that trick again. the ground shifted
and the water rippled in every direction.
until, i stood facing you in faded technicolor. the red of my cheeks began rolling down my face like blood soaked tears and my skin grew even paler and the gold of my hair shed, leaving me a white haired medusa. i think you laughed but i couldn’t be sure. you are bright and alive now and laughing heartily on the banks. i do not know you, truly.

come to my room and we can play
video games
video games
video games
lay your head on my lap
it’s okay
it’s okay
it’s okay
i don’t really want to feel alive today
but come to my room and let’s
run away
run away
run away
get me out of this place
there’s more love
in space
in space
in space

i clung onto a dream
of you loving me
and i held it so tightly
wrapped it up with
a bow in my small arms

and i heaved and heaved
convinced by some string
of unsureness deep inside me
i held the weight as it dragged
my knees to the floor
bowing before you
i made myself tiny

to be loved for just a moment
in another place
one made outside myself
to forget the lingering
hatred etched in my soul
to just for a moment
let the cobwebs go
i think that might be enough

gears and gadgets and ghosts
take up the table
swim around in her mind
fill up the spaces

where she couldn’t
fix them
help them
avenge them
save them

she grasps at her tools
makes others whole
takes dust from the rubble
and loves it back together

she fixes and tries
to fight the ghosts
of her parents laying dead
the one thing she wanted most
the only thing she couldn’t mend

mom looks out through the trees
and speaks of birds swooping in
as the past visiting us from the dead
her serenity never ends

tomatoes push through the dirt
in our garden of eden
they’re trying to hug the sun
but never quite reach it

the yard grows myths
that she gladly devours
in the absence of wonder
we sow our own in summer

fog on window panes blurs
the trees and faint sunlight
claws streaks down the
dilapidated couch where you
became a fixture of worship:
nights spent praying on knees
bruising for forgiveness. now
home is the potted plant
poking its head up towards
the sun; greeting him with
grace

it’s been a while since i
last held your breath
close to my heart
and it’s been a while since you

took off to depart
on a ship with no air
you shout out from your own
layer of the atmosphere

maybe there’s birds where
the wind carries burdens
maybe the pressure
rolls off their backs with care

but precious moments
leak from my brain
and i have no way to focus
but to stare at the stains

the air tastes like grapes and blueberries
and the palm trees dance to a melody
from a land that sings of peace
but selfishly hides the remedy

sometimes a hint of blue bursts through
and takes you into its arms
pulling you into its portal, you flew
against time to return to the stars

and suddenly you’re seven again
and life as you know it has no end
and the world is nothing but a page
from your coloring book, waiting

to be filled with lilac and fern
waiting upon your gentle return

you and i
driving down the highway
i swear we could fly
with you behind the wheel

the pictures littered the car
like anxious petals fallen too soon
desperate pleads for a love
i could not express to you

steady hands on the wheel
you whisked me away
to a little burger place on the interstate
where for a moment we escaped

the rush of it all
the pain of it all
when i felt safe
to fall into you

eyes glued to the dot
amongst trees and cars
yearning to keep this spot
that, only briefly, we called ours

stormy skies always make me happiest
there’s some comfort in the gray
like how it blankets down on you
with a whisper
never showy

and they always say
good days should be sunny
but they never learned
how to appreciate
what they were given

anyway

floating away from the shore i
find myself untethered once more
in the ocean may i fight in peace
against sea monsters and fairy tale beasts

lighthouses leer over froth and fog
****** souls peer up to hear their song
but the instruments are hazy,
off-key- their ears are blazing

sinking deeper, deeper light grows dim
air in their lungs and chances grow slim
there’s a seed in your yard and a cat
at your door- you tether to that
the world begins to seem more whole

when i was young
i tried to rewrite history
because i could not stand
to bear it all on shaky knees

i burned the old pages
drew a big x
through any future
i could foresee

the embers, they fell
snowflakes gracing
torched ground
and i ached to flee

to a place
that could hurt me not
i desperately rewrote the history
but in safety, i became the enemy

there's a girl that stands at the end of a pond
barely nine or ten
and as she glances over cool blue she hears their song
the frogs, harmonizing, just in tune with their great friends the herons

she whips her head in wonder
at the cattails swaying in the breeze
while her arms swing up in a blunder
composing her own unseen symphony

the girl turns fourteen
and returns to the lake where magic once grew
and as she glances over cool blue she can't help but lean,
noticing with horror, "oh, there's a new pimple or two"

the frogs sing joyfully of her triumphant return
but in her steely haze not a sound can be heard

i want to feel lost
in the jungle tearing through branches
in the river against currents thrashing
the will to fight still dances

hard and fast in my little soul
yet when a wave comes crashing
and yanks my head under i tend
to let my arms and legs play dead

so please come to my bed tonight
and remind me of sunshine
with those starry eyes
so i may not forget how

the world is sharp and thorny
and twists and turns will fool me
but these scars are only monuments
to the battles of the one i want to be

then let me lay my head on your chest
so that i may rest
because battles: failed, unnecessary, unwon
constantly boil in my blood

you remind me of what it felt
to still be free
of fires that crackled
and roared with the breeze

your eyes
like the bright blue
of the lake where i
spent my summer days

and the fresh breath of air
i craved after shutting
myself away
like wounded prey

i’m ready to leave
i plead
will you please have me?

there’s a rabbit with moon hooded eyes inside of my heart
and every night she looks up to the stars
yearning not to break apart

my rabbit and i feel fine most of the time
but when she starts racing i cry
because my mind believes my existence is a crime

and my heart can’t take it
she thinks she must’ve stopped
so she relentlessly pumps
creating dangerous music; thud thud thud

and look! there goes my rabbit
thrashing around in my war torn lungs
creating chaos in case of catastrophe
because future battles must always be won

the lights beamed ahead with an intense ferocity
and the cars race by my slow moving eyes
and a bug, a thought crept down my spine
i could never be like them
not with my empty tank
not with the hands i tied behind my back
not sitting in the backseat
watching my life fly away from me
the front seat remains empty
the wheel jeers
while i peer at that front seat day after day
longing to feel the smooth leather against tired skin
but
never growing up enough
never finding the courage to love
enough to live my life

sneak in for a minute
i cracked the door
i hoped you might
come explore

i’ll show you my coin collection
and my stuffed toys
boy, i might even
let myself enjoy

the pale of the moon
against your vibrant eyes;
while you stare to the stars
i see you now; so sublime
illuminating your blush
“just like us,” you whisper,
“lost dots in time”

i saved a piece of me for you
i put it away for safe keeping
i hoped one day it would bloom
i fear my heart won’t stop aching

im kneeling in a field and my
hands won’t stop grasping at dead flowers
i strangle them but they won’t revive
how strange it is to lose your power

my body throws itself on a slab
of brittle stone marked: you you you
i pray to be made anew
in your image; I pray I fall through

you’re gray and blue and honestly true
that’s how i know i mean nothing to you

in the deep slumber of the night you
stand just beyond the pines where
my mother swore she heard a bear
threatening to eat my insides,
but to be devoured by love:
i would accept nothing less

the brush quivered with the
gentle anticipation growing,
never slowing in her hungry
tummy

she clawed through
thistle and thorn to get a peak
of that pale blue reflection
coercing her towards the shore

the fairies sang of the divinity and
omnipotence stored in the ripples
and if you squint hard enough,
they giggled, there’s surely more

she cast her gaze down to god
and saw thorns trapped in
strands of hair and vines
twisting around with scorn

imagine the trees lined up long and kissing the sky from their big tree families
there in the trees sits a baby bird while he waits for his worm when his father arrives
and the worm wiggles while he remembers gracing the palm of a girl who pulled him out of a watery demise and the rain clouds above kissed the sweet girl’s head
the clouds carried mighty and strong strength to the living and remembrance of the dead
as it poured into rivers and streams and oceans and lakes, the people danced around their source of joyous bounty before they ate


the people loved their bountiful land and learned the language of the trees
so they could share each other’s needs and meet each other in harmony
the people tugged, and their land pulled, a balancing act perfected out of love and serenity

the animals they nurtured and protected with great care so that their circle of peace would exist without need for repair
because the people loved the animals and the animals loved them so they built a great big kingdom for them all to live

joni wasn't sure what compelled him
to run on this particular night
maybe it was the fragmented sky
caught between the airiness of dusk
and the heavy stormclouds weighing it down
all he knew was that
it felt like the closest he'd been to real life in a while
and it had been a while

maybe it was that he'd always known
the heavy clouds so intimately
but deep down what rang true
was that he would never really know at all

nothing; except the gentle patter of his feet against the pavement
and the brave truth that
they may continue to carry him
even when the sky finally threatened to collapse

we dance like
everyone is watching
never knowing when
this performance ends

we circle around
the feelings we hide
chasing other shadows
left with nothing inside

we snarl and growl
our shadows tall
dancing across halls
of empty homes

menacing monsters
we hide underneath

but in the shade lays a girl
no more than sixteen
go to her and sing
return to me, please

there was a long time
that i hated both of you
i couldn’t understand how to love
despite all you gave me
i was lost in the vines, all twisted up inside
i saw the cruelty in his eyes
and hated the way it reflected back in mine
i heard the desperation in her screams
and raised mine louder
there was anger settled inside me
like some dark recipe brewing in my bones
1. set low to boil
2. let it explode

there’s an ocean in my heart
and it’s drowning out all
i’ve got left to give
it hurts and it whispers
more
until i grow faint
and sick
and tired of it

i can’t remember what i
put there to begin with
but what i did is
breaking me apart

so i will
put myself back together
again
and again

keep pouring into me
your fears
the shadows that haunt you
your pain
the bags that break your back
pour into me
i am just a vessel
for you to shed your skin
as to pretend to be anew again

but be wary that i’ve sat
with this heaviness for so long
that gunpowder rests in me
i am your gun, ready to load
and if you cut me too close
im bound to explode

deep under emerald green canopies
i hear the twigs snapping and leaves
crunching under your clumsy feet,
and i float away one hundred meters
from the tree that holds our hearts
in the bark, hurriedly engraved.

will you see me as a yellow dot flying
past the tree tops and mistake me
for a shooting star? or trail your gaze
to another beautiful place to escape?
the air has grown thick with smog that
blurs all sense of time and meaning, but
i’ll remember, by heart, the path to the tree
where you engraved yourself into me.

never allow myself closeness
keep a chain locked around my heart
crouch in my mind’s darkness
hide from a world i’m sure is bent on tearing me apart

never let them know who you really are
protect yourself in an empty smile’s armor
build walls surrounding your soul so you can shove it away far
bathe in the peaceful emptiness of being your only harmer

realize you’ve never felt love
panic because you don’t know you
ruminate: i’ve spent my whole life In Fear Of?
choke on the answer keeping you in the noose

find the girl you’ve denied
and tell her she doesn’t have to die

you take from people
i know because you took from me
a fragile soul
a dim but growing light
a place in the world
that wasn’t shadowed by you
you take without regard
and fill yourself up with
the light of others
their passion
their dreams
and like a parasite, you feast
until
****
the light goes out
the passion extinguished
the soul rots
you took and took
you selfish self obsessed ****
and in your wake
i’m left with
a shell
a misery
an emptiness
you use people until they’re all used up
then find another girl to ****

you hold my heart in your hand
can you see how small it is?
i look in the mirror and breathe
and out pours smog and wisps
of truth that stick to the tile floor
i stomp on them and return to my room
i smile and shut the door

flew off to see
what the galaxy had for me
sailed away on this black sea
losing more and more gravity

i felt it in my stomach
when blue faded to black
the aliens assured me i’d love it
cold press of knife in my back

there’s madness here
playing in the emptiness
and i’ve got nothing to hear
but its sweet consonance

spent my life on a moonbeam
but it’s getting lonely
i want to believe in beauty
below the stars

a fox crawled into a desert yard
with frazzled fur and a broken nose.
looking for a spring or drop of snow,
he dragged along his splintered hope.

across dunes of sand and the valley
of despair, he marched along and sunk
his sins into there: in the sand, he’d tally:
broken dreams and streams out of reach,
and every day his tail drug heaviness
behind his paws, but he marched on
and on
and on

i stand in the echoing hallways of a chamber
with shrieking voices
their harsh undercurrents of despair haunt the stifled air
i am frozen
stuck in their whirlwind, caught in the current
until a small sliver of light
finally
peaks through the cracks of the dark vault
following its glimmer, i arrive and suddenly
the frenzied voices simmer
a soft moment of clarity dawns and
everything comes to a quiet halt

i will take what i can get
it gets so cold out here
you haven’t known emptiness
until its swallowed you whole

and i will take an hour or two
of the hearth’s dull flame
it doesn’t really matter to you
how this heart aches

but i need some air to ignite
what i hope is still there
i’m sure im not even in your sight
i always want more than you can bear

i’m beginning to feel like your toy
so i think i’ll ride alone from here, cowboy

my heart will return to the earth
once more to cherish the soil where
i left you laying dead. here, and again,
a promise will glow in the ground,
and sound out for cool drops of hope.

it snows outside, but spring has
blossomed in my heart for the first time

when the rose petals fall
like the season of forgotten leaves
will you still remember me?
i wish i could have stopped the bleed

i learned to eat
and stuff myself full
so i could pretend that the emptiness was a hunger set deep in my stomach
and not one slowly infesting my soul

everything bleeds
the sun weeps
hot red tears
down her cheeks
fall onto the earth
we bathe in
pools of dust
and fight to
see the shore
in our might
our blood
belongs to the night

the night sky was alive
was it smoke or fog?
not even the angels could tell tonight
under streetlamps the road glistened
with paper, fallen stars
and the echoes of children’s gleeful screams
could still be faintly heard
mingling amongst the frogs and birds

winter came with the snow
and i watched it go
in waves of trees beaten
naked; exposed like the holes
of the moles burrowing
in search of salvation

she wears emerald in the summertime
and winks at the boys in the park
who stare at her skirt riding up her thigh
she hangs from trees until it grows dark

never minding the voices that float
into her ears from the sidewalk
of the empty kindness of ghosts
hopelessly trying to fill themselves up

when the moon graces the sky and shines
she counts her blessings by its dim light
there’s trees and air and flowers alive
she catches them swelling in her sight

the moon composes a secret melody
the flowers play guitars if you listen closely
her head nods along until it drifts off
and she turns around to give them a hug

toy pails and sea shells vanish
beneath the creeping waves. a tot teases
his brother. the sun bakes a leathered face.
the lonely horizon reaches
for a steamboat, but never quite feels
its gentle bow.

i picture my old self floating
with the waves. away, from the loud stereos and shorebreaks. if im lucky, i’ll meet her
at the horizon.

try to feel something
for me tonight
i forgot how you
glittered in the sky
the brightest light
for a moment
broke through your eyes

i’ll talk to you about trees
and how you want to live in greece
i would probably do most anything
for you to feel something
and boy, if you do
would you please
spare some for me too

my baby
fear
i carry her with me
i nurse her even when
i can’t breathe

my baby
fear
i take with me
everywhere
******* drops
of sweetness
from the air

my baby
fear
always hungry
always feasting
forever leaching

reaching for somewhere
far away from here
down that maze
i stray
falling away
for her to stay