She loves me
He lusts for me
They need me
You long for me
But I am alone

It’s these moments that still shock me
As much as a Sunday school girl past
When I close my eyes and see flashes of me
On top
And *******
And hair pulled
And *** smacked

As much as I want to be virtuous. I’m just not that kind of Mary it seems.

And even though I don’t want to be hurt
I sunk my teeth into your flesh
Let your nectar fill my mouth and dribble down my chin.
Im hooked at first taste

Lately I find that my life is shaded in many colors of grey
I neither love him nor can live without
I love the idea of another, but the way he treats me makes me hate him
I feel seen but also burdened by the later
And somewhere in the middle of this tangled web of half truths lies my lonely soul
Always alone.

Take my hand she says
But even if I remembered how, I couldn’t
For all my hands feel
Are the tingling painful absence of yours

Was I born with this
The part that  can’t be tamed
She craves chaos
A cigarette between my fingers
A straw parting my lips
My bare feet on stone, sand, tile, dirt, mulch, glass
But she’s never here when I wake to wash the cuts, to rinse the sin, to recover the funds
Is she me or is she chemical

I’ve lost track of the time I’ve spent in this mental tug of war.
Im still hoping to be better than the last time we said goodbye.
I’ve been walking the line between demure and unleashed.
The glitter of others catch my eye, tho fleeting
None illuminate me like you.
I feel the dimming as I walk deep into this cavern.
The farther I walk the harder it is to see that from which I came.
I don’t recognize me; not in my reflection and not in my heavy steps.
There’s no certainty that this is a path of healing.  
And I know healing; my hands have willed it with vashe soaked gauze.
And I know healing; I’ve auscultated it in lobes and bases.
And I know healing; I’ve smelled it in the excrement of the bedridden.
And I know healing.
I know healing?

Im in a race with the bottom of the bottle
Who will forget the way it feels to have you wrapped around themselves first?

And since I’ve been there once
I can already tell you will break my heart
But I can’t stay away
Because love is magnetic
And this will only end when the poles change.

Instead of having a key made
I shaved down the walls of my heart to make you fit

But In the end all Im left with is the damaged lock of our connection —

And the notion that I am so desperate to be cared for, that I would damage my own security.

I always find myself begging for silence the most
When I’m sitting quietly on my own

The blood drained from my hands
And drained from my head
Ran to my heart

Racing, flashing, dancing

Your brought me to my knees hopefully for the last time

I wanted
And want
Nothing more than to make you smile
And know that you share that pure joy with only me

But we both know I had nothing more to give you
Because your staying in the sinking ship;
Going down without a fight
..
And I’m a swimmer

I learned to laugh the loudest
To drown out my cries
Sometimes the voice in my head screaming for help
Is magnanimous
I swear they can hear her in Mars

But no one cares about your suffering little one
They have their own packs to carry.

I wanted to call you
But I know you don’t want to hear from me

You say you’re always “straight up”
And “you’ll see me in December”

I wanted to hurt you
But I know I don’t matter enough for you to feel me.

You say you “really like me”
And “you wish your mindset was different”

I want you
But I know it’s a mistake

It was a slow drizzle
And then a hurricane
And now I’m shelterless, floating on a raft  of grief.
And I wonder if the rain will ever stop
Can I paddle out of love with you?

Your love made my stomach turn
Gnarled my fingers
Twisted my intestines

Your love made me light as a feather
Turned my dreams from distant stars
To the Apple just within reach

But tell me
Should love hurt so bad?

Thank you for making me feel like your diamond
Though we both know this was a dazzling illusion
And for my trick?


I will disappear

For as long as I can remember I’ve been damaged
Sad eyes that only appear more beautiful with a glassy film of tears.

For as long as I can remember it’s been difficult for me to love or be loved.
I always feel so close to many but never truly connected to one

For as long as I can remember I’ve been disappointing
To myself who is never satisfied until I’m writhing in pain

But even then,  I’m breathless.