embarrassment
for going to ask for the things i need
walking into a center for disabled students
makes me think somethings wrong with me
but its okay to ask for help
it's powerful it's brave it's encouraging
it's what i need to do to take care of myself

my younger self as i age
i notice the pattern of growing fonder of myself
I love me.
little me deserves the world
and so does the woman i am today.
I will continue to work on loving myself
wholeheartedly with all my flaws

trying to find the right way
to want to do this but I don't think there is
a right way to want to do this but i don't think
there is a right way to most things.
so
Very deeply I've been feeling the urge to confront you
about a multitude of things
But i've also felt myself pull away from the idea
because i'm not a confrontational person.
You've hurt me in many ways which I've made clear already,
but yet I've gotten no apology
which tells me you're not sorry and you don't care.
Maybe you do, you tell me you do
but your actions are way louder than your words in my ears.
I'm not gonna be here for you anymore
I need to call you on your ******* cuz you give me way 2 much
of it.
I want to believe you and usually do but I don't anymore.

people change i get it
that's not an excuse to be ******
not to the one who gave and gave
but got a mirage instead to spare their feelings.
say it how it is

ur muddling me stepping on me
hoping for reconnection and closure
loose promises

how i resort to self medication
it helps my brain calm down
when i'm in overdrive.
the sun rises
and i recognize
the consequences of my actions.
it could be worse
One last pic and I'll be home
I'll be dead by dawn.
i don't want to continue this way
hand cuffed to the vices
I want better for myself
my therapist has seen me twice this week
yet i feel like I'll see her soon

seeping in all the crevices
reconnection
he's like a sickness I can't sleep off
but the warmth he shows
pulls me in like before.

with keeping myself together.
i'm trying to work on all the pieces.
i have nothing left.
i have the smallest will to live, even though
i know there is so much to do and see,
people to meet and places to go.
i just don't want to keep feeling how i feel.
i wish i was excited to wake up every morning.
like how i used to be when things felt good.
like when a new day felt like a new start.
not now
all it feel like is endless days.
the weeks repeat themselves.
the thoughts and feelings crawl back,
and i crumble at their touch.
i feel so dead
but so alive because i have so much going on.
i feel dead because i keep telling myself,
i will get through this exhausting time.
we're all struggling. i know.
but *******
it really hurts all the time
just to be
here.

he's moving on
He found someone new
super new in fact
but they were good enough
for him to say
"im sorry :(".
but you weren't looking for anything serious?
Not my information to know
Not my life to live
Not my *** to have anymore.
A bit confusing considering you wanted me
a few weeks ago.
That's alright, it's okay.
I loved the time we shared while it lasted

for now I'm a little confused and saddened by the
loss of our anyways temporary days together.
but grateful for how you treated me
how you shared with me and listened to me
how you held me and looked at me
how you wanted to see me and how you made
time for me
How we made it work and how we connected so
fast
how I met ur friends and you paid for my overnight tickets
how you held my hand in public and acted like i
was yours for the moment
how you asked for my opinion and cared about my
needs while you were with me
but that's settled
I have my closure
I'll move on

I knew exactly how it would end as soon as I met you,
so strangely
giving me peace

i'd fill it to the brim
with things i love.
It would scream
HEY! THIS IS ME
I'd have plants on the windowsills
a desk for my art and studies.
I'd have my pink cart
Full of journals, washi tape, watercolor paint,
acrylic paint, pens, paint pens, brushes, canvases,
colored pencils, stamps earring crafts, tape,
stickers, snacks and drinks.
Just like now but in my own space
Ambient lighting, candles and crystals
All I could ever want.
What would soothe my soul

But I don't like it
It's uncomfortable
But so comfortable.
I'm angry
I'm sad
I'm excited
I'm worried.
But it all feels the same
it's all on the same level.
I think my brain
Is used to the constant commotion

for I want you to be happy
the anxiety
She brings upon you
angers me.
For you deserve
Clarity
And a clear conscious

with someone to have a good time.

Romanticize simplicity with yourself

Go to the grocery store
Get some coffee
Go to a view
Find a new place you've never been
Buy art supplies
Get lunch
Find a recipe
Go thrifting
Hang out at a park
Watch a movie
Read a book
Smoke
Listen to music
Go somewhere you haven't in awhile
Feel the energy in a metaphysical shop
Doodle on something random
Wake up early
Make a charcuterie board
Light a candle
Affirmations.
You attract what you put forward to the universe.

Forgetting you
Worrying about you
Meeting you.
new job
late missing assignments
smoking to feel other than
trying to love myself
opening up to spirituality
Missing love.

the way you held her tight
the way you called her babe
they way I liked her
the way I felt the love
you have for one another.
It still hurts
even though I wish
more than anything
to not let you
in my heart
Like that.

I know you're holding her
right now.
The way you did with me for those two weeks.
The way you have with her for two years.

missing you
or missing the memories.
The loving looks,
the long nights,
the never ending drives.
I miss your attention
our daily check ins
our "step by step".
But something
interrupted my love
for you.
I still don't know what
why
or how.

It's too easy to talk to you
you know me
you know my emotions

I wish you did.
The line will be drawn
and I'll let go
I feel it all
But nothing.
at this point
In time
I want more
Nothingness.
I've never
craved numbness.
But I get it now.
It's peaceful
Less chaotic,
but underwhelming.

By death
Distance
Desire
Loss
By proximity
Purpose
Passion
Presence
Loss
By curiosity
Amusement
Loss
By anger
Manipulation

numb
so alone
yet so surrounded
support.
These words
feel rusted.
It's been awhile
Since my fingers
felt the keys
like this.
I wish to cry
like I know to do
but brain
Is paused.
Feelings feel
clear,
nowadays a blur.

I know my strength
but it feels transparent.
I know my worth
But it feels meaningless.
I'm here in the present
But my heart
Replays the past.
Everything is put
on hold
But time won't stop
So I cannot.

on my chest
love you with every breath.
it's been tough
you've had enough.
noise so loud
in your mind,
let it out
one tear at a time.
nothing more craved
than to be with you
everyday.
I wish I could help
when all you can do,
is let yourself melt.

I know I get quiet
I know you worry,
sometimes my words
get twisted and go unheard.
I try to speak my truth
but I forget how to understand,
how I feel.
in these moments
I just ask for some patience,
I'm trying my best
to help us both understand
myself.
I care so much
I lose my touch,
of stability and focus.
my brain needs time
to find its way back
to a straight line.

like a cold
from missing you.
coughs interrupting
my breathing,
short intervals
like the time we get together.
resting in bed
allowing my body
to reset,
but I'm upset
when I can't hold you
near my chest

I have the urge to start over
to throw everything away.
tell me why some days
it's impossible to get dressed,
to get out of bed.
tell me why I want
to throw my phone in the ocean
to delete social media.
tell me why my best friend
isn't home yet
it's been over a year.
Tell me why my life feels
so put together
yet
so far away

what to think
anymore.
I want to write
my brain won't
create
poems like before.
this is ******
****
what a pity.
I think
I'm trying to hard

every time we meet
I feel like it will get easier,
to leave you.
every time we meet
I want more time with you.
every time I hold you
I don't want to let go.
every time we kiss,
I want it to linger
for longer.
every time we hug,
I want it to last
a lifetime.
every time I get on the train
I travel farther away
from your touch.
every time
I want more of you.

we only have one moment
each individual day
where nothing will ever be the same.
days and months repeat
years do not.
every second
we are somewhere else