knows best in the end
no she didn't
she thot she did
but she had to get out of that tower
meet that man
cut her hair
live life with that **** chameleon
paint ALL the walls
read ALL the books
went to that ****** but humble pub with those drunk viking men
THAT is what made her life worth living
the trials and tribulations of being a growing woman

learning that what she knew growing up
couldn't and wouldn't keep her safe

she's grown with me

for it's the ending or beginning
of something beautiful

to be lost or to be found

has and always will be
one of my biggest inspirations
from a young age she's taught me to remain
focused on my passions and curiosities, while
staying beautifully humble.
never in my life have i had the honor of meeting anyone so familiar.
she is such a big part of my being.
i will continue to make her proud.

she warmed any room with laughter and brutally honest jokes
i will carry her in my heart with me wherever i go forever.
the emotions to process this loss has yet to find me.
i will never forget how she allowed herself to stay silly
kind through it all. to enjoy the time
we're granted while we have it.
she is a driving force reminding me to BE ME for ME

to live in my truth and embrace the hardships
that ask us to move forward in our journeys.
unbelievably grateful for all she's brought into this world,
the life she's shared with us.

through all that she's faced, she always found the silver linings.
what's the fun in taking everything so seriously
there is none.

swimming, painting, drinking, living life on her own terms

a dragonfly following my car on the 405
birds dancing together in the sky
on my way to school in beautiful santa monica

embarrassment
for going to ask for the things i need
walking into a center for disabled students
makes me think somethings wrong with me
but it's okay to ask for help
it's powerful
it's brave
it's encouraging
it's what i need to do
to take care of myself
my mental health

from the start i was drawn in
i felt seen and heard
to learn again, you
were already being loved wholeheartedly
the way i wanted to for you

it's odd how easily it is for me to believe
that because of the rarity of my expectations
being met, though they are high
tend to fall already in place with another
it's frustrating to linger between the ideas
continue pursuing and answer the questions
or lean into fully pursuing myself completely

again bothered by my immense pursuit
of those the universe offers as lessons or
pure experiences apart of life
bothered by my self deprecation while
trying to learn the ropes of early adulthood
feeling older than i am
yearning for those ahead of me
rather than my past of before me

through thinking it through i would still be
grateful
to become friends and enjoy the moments to be
shared
although i know it'll hurt to be less than i'd want
to with you

which is why i still haven't brought him up
as much as i explain to her she's gonna read right through me
and we both know i already see it

i know it's bad enough when i've resorted to the notes app

sober me is gonna read this and say
GIRLLLL stand up

but goes to buy crab
gets mad when i don't want to drive
because he doesn't have gas
yet he leaves me out of my own plan
to go get crab with money from dad

needs to pay registration bills
so he asks dad for "help"
realizes he also has to pay renewal for his insurance
plus other things like smog check
ends up being like $500 he doesn't have
aka dad covers him for now

it's the 26th of April and I'm having my first cig to myself
on my balcony alone at 10:26pm.
today i had to spend time with neighbors saying their goodbyes to oj.
i think we're petting him down tomorrow.
i'm listening to imagine by john lennon on my headphones lol.
it's a full moon so i'm gonna set some intentions
i am powerful
my voice is heard
new beginnings will find me
i feel loved
money flows to me in abundance
opportunities are coming
i love myself
i release what no longer serves me
i am open to the universe and the divine
i surrender to nature
i am achieving my dreams

embarrassment
for going to ask for the things i need
walking into a center for disabled students
makes me think somethings wrong with me
but its okay to ask for help
it's powerful it's brave it's encouraging
it's what i need to do to take care of myself

my younger self as i age
i notice the pattern of growing fonder of myself
I love me.
little me deserves the world
and so does the woman i am today.
I will continue to work on loving myself
wholeheartedly with all my flaws

trying to find the right way
to want to do this but I don't think there is
a right way to want to do this but i don't think
there is a right way to most things.
so
Very deeply I've been feeling the urge to confront you
about a multitude of things
But i've also felt myself pull away from the idea
because i'm not a confrontational person.
You've hurt me in many ways which I've made clear already,
but yet I've gotten no apology
which tells me you're not sorry and you don't care.
Maybe you do, you tell me you do
but your actions are way louder than your words in my ears.
I'm not gonna be here for you anymore
I need to call you on your ******* cuz you give me way 2 much
of it.
I want to believe you and usually do but I don't anymore.

people change i get it
that's not an excuse to be ******
not to the one who gave and gave
but got a mirage instead to spare their feelings.
say it how it is

ur muddling me stepping on me
hoping for reconnection and closure
loose promises

how i resort to self medication
it helps my brain calm down
when i'm in overdrive.
the sun rises
and i recognize
the consequences of my actions.
it could be worse
One last pic and I'll be home
I'll be dead by dawn.
i don't want to continue this way
hand cuffed to the vices
I want better for myself
my therapist has seen me twice this week
yet i feel like I'll see her soon

seeping in all the crevices
reconnection
he's like a sickness I can't sleep off
but the warmth he shows
pulls me in like before.

with keeping myself together.
i'm trying to work on all the pieces.
i have nothing left.
i have the smallest will to live, even though
i know there is so much to do and see,
people to meet and places to go.
i just don't want to keep feeling how i feel.
i wish i was excited to wake up every morning.
like how i used to be when things felt good.
like when a new day felt like a new start.
not now
all it feel like is endless days.
the weeks repeat themselves.
the thoughts and feelings crawl back,
and i crumble at their touch.
i feel so dead
but so alive because i have so much going on.
i feel dead because i keep telling myself,
i will get through this exhausting time.
we're all struggling. i know.
but *******
it really hurts all the time
just to be
here.

he's moving on
He found someone new
super new in fact
but they were good enough
for him to say
"im sorry :(".
but you weren't looking for anything serious?
Not my information to know
Not my life to live
Not my *** to have anymore.
A bit confusing considering you wanted me
a few weeks ago.
That's alright, it's okay.
I loved the time we shared while it lasted

for now I'm a little confused and saddened by the
loss of our anyways temporary days together.
but grateful for how you treated me
how you shared with me and listened to me
how you held me and looked at me
how you wanted to see me and how you made
time for me
How we made it work and how we connected so
fast
how I met ur friends and you paid for my overnight tickets
how you held my hand in public and acted like i
was yours for the moment
how you asked for my opinion and cared about my
needs while you were with me
but that's settled
I have my closure
I'll move on

I knew exactly how it would end as soon as I met you,
so strangely
giving me peace

i'd fill it to the brim
with things i love.
It would scream
HEY! THIS IS ME
I'd have plants on the windowsills
a desk for my art and studies.
I'd have my pink cart
Full of journals, washi tape, watercolor paint,
acrylic paint, pens, paint pens, brushes, canvases,
colored pencils, stamps earring crafts, tape,
stickers, snacks and drinks.
Just like now but in my own space
Ambient lighting, candles and crystals
All I could ever want.
What would soothe my soul

But I don't like it
It's uncomfortable
But so comfortable.
I'm angry
I'm sad
I'm excited
I'm worried.
But it all feels the same
it's all on the same level.
I think my brain
Is used to the constant commotion

for I want you to be happy
the anxiety
She brings upon you
angers me.
For you deserve
Clarity
And a clear conscious

with someone to have a good time.

Romanticize simplicity with yourself

Go to the grocery store
Get some coffee
Go to a view
Find a new place you've never been
Buy art supplies
Get lunch
Find a recipe
Go thrifting
Hang out at a park
Watch a movie
Read a book
Smoke
Listen to music
Go somewhere you haven't in awhile
Feel the energy in a metaphysical shop
Doodle on something random
Wake up early
Make a charcuterie board
Light a candle
Affirmations.
You attract what you put forward to the universe.

Forgetting you
Worrying about you
Meeting you.
new job
late missing assignments
smoking to feel other than
trying to love myself
opening up to spirituality
Missing love.

the way you held her tight
the way you called her babe
they way I liked her
the way I felt the love
you have for one another.
It still hurts
even though I wish
more than anything
to not let you
in my heart
Like that.

I know you're holding her
right now.
The way you did with me for those two weeks.
The way you have with her for two years.