Been running silent,
Silent but deep
Into the wondering night,
All of that seemed so bright.
Once upon a time,
Holding your hand in a place
Of serenity and peace
With blinding passion and love,
I was always at ease.
With the moon glancing at your face,
The trembles of leaves, the luscious forest
Reminding me of the times
when we had it all but eventually spent.

In rather the discussions of the dichotomy,
Of what it meant to lose ourselves in each other's minds
And still be able to think
About all the moments when time stood still.
You were always there to connect,
I was maybe lost within
This journey of memory I had withheld.

My mind still plays these tricks
As I fade out to the thoughts
Where am I standing?
With you by a silent creek.
Playing with those pebbles
Now they just seem like stones
Of cold and heartache, the pain had left me afloat.

These feelings never let me sleep,
never let me sink to the bottom
The depth of our purpose was something I could never fathom.
There were times when the sky looked so bright,
now just seems like a clutter of unwavering clouds.

All the things you used to say,
All the things left unsaid
Now feels like an ephemeral mirage
Maybe if I could still see the pain
I would reach out to you,
Little did I know we were so close,
Yet in desperate need of repair.

Despondent and despair as I feel right now
I always believed,
we could survive the crushing burden somehow,
Of how we wanted to feel each other
And wished each other to just be.

Being yourself with someone else
Didn't seem like a challenge before,
Little did I know
I was waiting for a hail mary,
Before the perpetual snow.

I can still see so vividly
How your lips were always so tender,
Never leaving a chance
For me to do nothing but surrender.
I tried to change but that rarely works,
For you have to see yourself in the mirror first
Before you make the eventual jump.

My ears could recognise you from your soul-soothing voice
Is all a distant memory now, a cacophony in disguise.
Held pictures of you in my heart,
Trying to take them all down now
For it had to be done,
Otherwise, I might again sway.

Your eyes did have that shine
For me to slip away,
I wish time was kinder
So you to still be here
For I didn't just lose you,
But also a part of me
That had to be buried deep inside now.

Maybe I needed help to recover little parts of me somehow,
Maybe some parts were still left unscathed
Hoping for your eventual return, my mind played another one of its tricks.

Only time will tell
If I do get up or just sit there and dwell
Even if I wanted to,
I got no control over time,
All I know for a fact is,
Only this time I couldn't make you mine
Our story did always feel like a book,
A book with no ending
With its ups and downs
A terrifying thriller.
At the end of each preceding chapter
I should rather stop and run away,
Before I turn over to the last ones
Who am I kidding?
Things don't just seem to change.
I was a leaf caught in a blizzard,
Waiting for the eventual rain

Hoping to rise from the ashes
Of the toxic smoke,
Wishing for a return to normalcy
From the tragic crisis that this seems.
A remedy for solicitude,
Is to maybe replace it with solitude
At the end of it all though,
I'm just hoping for a glimmer of hope.

A test, another thing to best,
A new you for another day
Sometimes you can't survive the burden,
That lay on top of you.
Your shoulders were never weak,
Until you saw the path that lay ahead
The mystery of life brings you down,
How does someone stay content amid such chaos?

Building yourself up every day
Only to be broken down again,
Overcoming your shallow misdemeanours
One day at a time.
If there's no bliss at the end, is it even worth it?
How hard must one grovel?
Maybe you've never seen the real thing?
Or maybe this is that path you were too afraid to travel?
If overcoming is the result, why must I even bother?

Maybe all I want
Is to persevere,
But towards a tangential goal
The sight of which still seems near,
It is too much, I often lose myself
In trying to build houses,
Over the grounds of disdain and despair.

Maybe all I want
Is to be happy right now,
Not thinking too much
About the load that I have to carry.
On the road with my dusty soul
I often wonder about could have been
Had I been normal,
Not letting my mind into overdrive
Running wild with thoughts asynchronous,
Maybe then I could have finally put on a savoury smile.

Can't always be proving myself,
I should instead focus on growing myself
To deal with things I've never dealt with before,
Tackle all of the unknowns
Trying to hold on to my peace of mind,
Never letting go of the grind.
What if I lose myself in the process?
What has been the purpose of all this struggle?
Isn't it to find solace in all things uncertain?
Or just make peace with what you had always known,
Still not fit for the task, I have got to grow.

I have got to rise, be mature
Get real about the situation,
Can't escape anymore
Is it a stronger sense of urgency,
Or a deeper sense of complacency?
That keeps you dwelling
Upon how things will eventually turn out,
Maybe you've always known.
Even with the work, you'll probably still end up ashore
In a sea of ghosts,
Never once been able to set sail for the treasure island.

Don't let the result bother you, they say
Well, that's the novel approach,
You've always been told to stay awake.
Never resting, never sleeping
For you might miss your chance,
With your ever fading vision
It's getting rather harder to hang on,
To the thought of you ever climbing up the skies
Bringing upon a tear down your eye.

Regardless, the wheels of change are in motion
You have to play your part,
Even if you feel like a deserted hut on a mountain hill
Like a cactus plant on a long country road.
It feels like the strangest thing,
But now you have a deeper understanding
You have to put it all on the line again.
Let your purpose be all-consuming
For this time if you fall short,
You fail with a purpose
Of trying to never let go of it,
For now, you are closer than where you were before.

If I let my sins do the talking,
You'll only hear them say
Pleasure is all you were seeking,
Pain is what lead you to stay.
Knowing this story of right and wrong,
Of pleasure and pain, of black and white,
Has got no end
Things so often knock you off your spirit
Bring you down.
For it was never binary
But rather multifaceted,
It was all the colours that you had found.

Maybe that's the only lesson here
Altering your thought process,
To walk with different shoes at different times
Always staying on top of each phase.
Winning is rather inconsequential now
In the longer run,
You'd have enjoyed your date with destiny,
With all its ups and downs.
All the times you'd have previously frowned
Now you'll smile in the same place,
For now, you learnt how to let go
Of that two-faced coin,
Holding on to the idea that experiencing a multitude of emotions
Is still a better result than waiting for the ultimate win
Feeling all the colours of the rainbow after heavy rain.
.

A new world awaits,
While you sit here
Trying to pick yourself up
Dust yourself off,
Collecting the pieces that once were
A whole part of you.

Seems like a never-ending journey,
To push yourself through
The trembles of your voice,
Now all feel like a cacophony
Hoping to strike
Yet another one of that epiphany,
That put you to sleep.
For days on end,
You used to weep
Of times unknown,
Of times gone.

Times when you let things slide,
Instead of taking control
Times that once seemed a bliss,
Ever so wonderful
Ever so full
Happy with what you got,
Rather than pondering
About what you deserved.

All seems lost
You're clinging to the last breath,
The last ray of sunshine
Seeping through the window
Of your soul.
The feeling of love
Perpetually evading you,
The pain is real
Something you can't control.

For once you realize
All is not gone,
All is not lost
Trying to think of better times,
That will come to you.
Love and hate,
Being equal parts of you
Not letting emotions drive you,
Relinquishing all that you held close.
Building yourself up
Fixing your flaws,
Moving on,
To another version of you.

Is it possible to connect again?
Is it feasible to love again?
Never seeking external validation,
Your self worth at stake,
That got shook
With every passing mistake that you ever made.

There's a gun to your head,
You feel like running ahead
But you stop
Knowing you can't run forever.
The time's up
You better man up instead,
You've got blood on your hands
Your death, your demise
Grief finds a home in your heart
Makes it hard to just restart.
Sometimes you just don't
Want to fight anymore
Stick to what you know,
Before this chance also blows.

The sun is drowning,
The night has come.
Waiting for a new sun,
To put an end to your run.
Finding glimpses of happiness
Through the fierce rain,
For a new world
That's calling out your name.