i had dreams of meeting outer space
running laps around the rings
alien murmurs like whispered sweet nothings
snorting cosmic dust
leads to
eyes that grow like eclipses
starlight sticking to my skin
initials carved in moon rocks
hurled through the stars like a telegraph service
it wasn't until i met you
that i felt the gravitational pull
it was you holding me to the earth
i didn't mind
suddenly space felt empty
it was small and you were vast
i pulled my head out of the clouds
and laid it on your chest
your eyes shone with the glitter of the cosmos
putting the twinkling stars to shame
black holes were filled
in me and in the universe
i stopped yearning for the undisturbed quiet
the minute i heard your heartbeat
through thin fabric and skin
and as cold as it was above the atmosphere
it was no comparison to the cold felt
when your body was away from mine
similar to how the moon would feel
should the sun ever cease to shine on it
the chill of unprepared absence
you became the center point
a bouquet of warmth and light
and life on earth
without you
was no longer possible


                                                      ­        *smndi

well you've been all over the place
born and raised in the southern states
dragged back to california
but you had nothing going for you
so you moved up north to the bay
san francisco livin', drank your life away
ended up in rehab with a price to pay
so next came moving day
and you came back down to the palms
and you moved back into your moms
but we fell in love and you started staying with me
we had it good until you needed to get free
so you got a little place downtown
didn't take long til you stopped coming around
but I know that's nothing new
that's what you do
you make a place your own and then you move
you're there to have fun
and when it's done you're on the run
so really what I'm saying is
there's no place you're from
just places you've been
and getting you to stay was battle I couldn't win.


                                                          ­       *smndi

How much can you really love a person
if you can't love them when you're sober?
I'm starting to think my love affair
isn't really with you,
it's with Captain Morgan.


                                                       xo, *smndi

I want a girl with eyes like daggers
that tear her up when she's looking at me
with a mind that badgers
and I know it's thinking about me

I want a girl with hair so wild
but eyes that could calm the sea
with a voice that smiles
every time it's talking about  me

I want a girl with a real good grip
and hands as soft as sunlight
with her arms wrapped 'round my hips
sleeping next to me all night

I want a girl that likes to read
so she can read all that I write about her
a constant source of inspiration to me
she never lets me run out of words

I want a girl that likes to ****
and wouldn't mind falling asleep right after
with a talent for making her own luck
and getting  people to fall for her

I want a girl that wants me too
that made a list of qualities I happen to possess
I want to know you're right for me and I'm right for you
and we won't turn this into a mess.

                                                               ­                     
                                           ­                                      *smndi

I rearranged the scars on your arms and formed a roadmap
I asked you to take me somewhere
                                                               and you took my finger
                                           and you traced it down their paths
we went for a walk and
                                                             ­           I went every place
                                                           ­                    met every face
that tried to rip you open
but you sealed yourself back up
and when those scars healed,
then so did you
                                                    like the time your mother left you
you left four scars on your left wrist
and later,
three more on the right
                                                             or when your father left too
you left nine scars on your leg that night
you placed them carefully in a way
so that they spelled out DAD
                                       don't forget the time she broke your heart
you left 12 scars on both your thighs
one for every month you were with her
(you still stayed six months after that)

there is a pattern of broken hearts
but i won't be another scar.
                                                        i erased the lines on the map
                                                          we forgot they ever existed.


                                                          *smn­di

My Jailbird Brother
you are both selfish and foolish
and i'm not sure which is worse
or which i envy more
less than five hours you were home
less than t h r e e  h u n d r e d minutes
a careless release, really
but you wasted no time finding your way into trouble
the same kind of trouble that got you taken away
kept under lock and key
when you should have been here growing up with me
this wasn't how it was supposed to happen
i envisioned hugs and tears and rambling stories
instead i found drugs and fears and repressed memories
i thought that when you came back it would be like you never left
..it was exactly like that
in the worst way
like you really never went away
you'd been here the whole time
making messes and breaking hearts
among so many other things
making mom cry
because look at you
you're not the same
you came back worse than when you'd left
maybe they got it wrong
maybe they sent back someone else
you adapted to survive
but there's a point where stoic turns cold
and resilient becomes defensive
and you're hiding your feelings to the point
where you can't even even find them
i never saw you as a criminal
but now that's all you know how to be.


*smndi

It was only inevitable that I would fall in love with you.
I knew it from the minute you first came into my sight
and ever since then I've been trying to tread light.
I've never been one to take it slow.
patience for me is agonizing
If it was you that I was after, I wanted you to know.
and I wanted you bad, you were so enticing
What's the use in hiding all the love I've got to show?
But loving you was like leaving footprints in the sand
two steps forward, Twelve Steps back again
til the tides washed them away
along with all the progress that we've made.
I have sailed through your stormiest seas
while you kicked up water and tried to drown me.
I held fast and tried to stay afloat
while you raged on and tried to sink my boat.
And then somewhere along the way
you realized I'm not one to stray.
I wouldn't disappear
I wouldn't turn to dust
you knew you didn't have to fear
that's how I finally earned your trust.
That's when you let me in
you let yourself love me too
and ever since then
its been easy sailin' with you.
You were well worth the wait,
that was something I always knew.
And even if I can't be your soulmate
at least for a while, I got to have you.


                                                              ­                                                     *smndi

"It's so pretty out today," she said
with a beaming smile on her face
a look of lust in her eyes
staring out the window at the sky
cloud streaked and grey
dark & gloomy at it's finest
she was always most romantic about the darkest things.


*smndi

when it rains, it pours
and i've been living in a flood
we used to dance in the rain
and kiss with raindrops on our lips
but now i find you under an umbrella
telling me
you're tired of being wet.
i don't know how to stop the storm
i just try to stay afloat
but without you there to play with me
without my baby keeping me company
it's getting harder to keep swimming
i'm not playing in the rain anymore
i'm just trying not to drown



                                                         *smndi