Its a new day

She wakes from the nights sleepy darkness
Knowing the body under the covers doesn't fit her
But as she drifts in and out of the mornings gentle hold
Her dreams and mind forget the body under the covers
And she finds herself dancing in a waterfall
Swimming like a mermaid she reaches the edge of the pool
Shaking her beautiful long curls, and dressing
In her silks and flowing lace.
She smells the forest through a female nose
All the beautiful woods and flowers come alive within
Assuming the demeanor of a Princess
Walking the paths, with dust that sparkles
Settling on the ground behind her
But the dreams end suddenly, as the scent of coffee
Fills the room, and the sounds of cars passing outside
Bring her back, back into the here and now
The covers pull off, and the trousers come on, the shirt and boots that the day requires.
But as she walks out the door, to spend the day trying to be a man in a mans world, she gently smiles, knowing that her magical forest awaits its Princess, and soon she will return

by Lj Mark 2015

Since I had returned from the missing,
In life from family and loved ones.

Loss of Dearly Beloved Partners,
Whereby certain words had been,
Unnecessary with those of very deep bonds.

Sure I understand, understood then,
What I dared not spoke of truly with embodied beings.

It was a true joy Easter 1978,
To get together with your family.
Mom , Dad and Steven had been there.

We had a chance to talk as young adults,
Perhaps get to know each other in such a new way.

Sure you 16, said 'you were woman',
I have long since found the words of;

'I once loved a woman, a child I'm told
I give her my heart but she wanted my soul
Don't think twice, it's all right.'

Chillingly haunting still!!
For better and or worse still!!

But there we were young enough adults,
You were so receptive and I spoke in your earnest attention.
While too I picked up many subtle things by you,
Few words came back.

But you listened so well my friend whom I saw.
Surely I was open and in dire need to tell my story to a soul alive.
I refer to such as 'my little sermon on the mount' still at any price.
And so I believed in you as some partner then there indeed.

Not necessarily as unfolded, but such all did.
'We never did to much talking anyway';

Well not so true at all really on the contrary.
But 'Jeremiah was a Bull Frog';

Apparently,

I'm not sure if either understood a word said to this very day.

'What was it you wanted';
Can you say?

You tell me I can't,
Never could.

Claims of 'Christ Discipleship' in differing ways!!

Joy To The World

And I can take all detail like a wild man, savant,
Roll around the 'wheel of spectrum disorders' I know.

Still know just One thing!!!
We have been here before in oh so many ways!!

On one hand I understand 'All Complications',
Oh so simply of All Gods Children!!
On the other hand none at all.

So hard to understand and accept all at once!!

I always knew you,
By Eve of Halloween's Eve later same year;
Or more acutely so very soon thereafter that;

You were somehow my 'nemesis';
That was would produce my 'dark night of soul';

I was once again conquered,
By just one moment of doubt

Dark Knight
Loving Brightly

I was even joyed by that!!

Still I would believe in things,
I was already assured of in this my life;

'The World'
We live in

Here
Hear

In these now's.

I sum up 'The Word' Bible in just one Word,
By that 'Red Letter Word' at the Last Supper.

About LOVE sure,
But just two letters;

'AS'

As in;
'Just love one another 'AS' I have loved you'!!

Which was with Gods;
  
Gifts of 100% Judgement on with Zero Judgmentalness!!

That is my friend and partner most true I only understand!!

Good News Being Good!!!

Christians say 'well hey look Moses had 10 then expounded 5 books beyond as Torah.

Well,
See!!!

Shaman Master J

Got's that down to just 2 !!;

'Love God with all your heart and your neighbor as yourself'!!!

Ya and in front of the corrupt politicized,
Blasphemed powers of the Hebrew leaders that day!!!

Reciting the Torah
Standing on one foot!!

~8~~~
Days a Week

Wow!!!
Huh!!!

Well truth be he was just reciting,
The living word near verbatim of the last minor prophets in those last days!!!

Otherwise he would and did say like the Greeks,
In marble on their temple and as I know,
Easier otherwise to say;

'Know Thyself';

All creation is within all things,
So therefor on this path of inner self honesty,
With the message we all inwardly receive,
It all lines up and all mystery ceases to be!!!

So no I do not understand,
Certain types of complications,
No I don't.

All so overly simple to me!!

You have always overly impressed me,
In oh so many ways, such inherent 'gifts';

But they must breathe or what are they.

We may be off charts at different ends;
Yet I still know how close to very fine are these lines between!!

Yet,

'Liteheart5'

'Lite125'
~8~~
Fly Free!!!!

~3~~
Be yet between!!!

Even
AS Shaman Master J;

/ so much typical association with one letter / ...
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/just-love-one-another-as/

Happy Birthday,
Always, All Ways!!!

From a text you might recall,
I poemalized by whom in your contact list,
By phone I have been,
Dubbed 'Ron the Lord'!!!!

Garlic Really??? or !!!
Sure I can understand your heart / that just assume chop garlic really / ...
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/garlic-really-or/

Yes 'hued partner,
We too ~2~ can,
Be family!!!

Still
~3~~ between!!!
Us Two!!

~~5~~~
Too
Must Breathe

<3<3:):):)!!! R
Not so complicated!!!!

Illegally Separate
You some other me / some how wherefore / way; / X'YZleeeping; / I ...
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/illegally-seperate/

The New Dew Due, 'Double Triple Two Steps' Forward!!!
Believe as 'The Heavenly Father" speaks life living within you!! / Than cast continually ...
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/the-new-dew-due-double-triple-two-steps-forward/

eYe
Will Always
Love You!!! Ra, Ra Ron!!!

I have written some beautiful things about you!!
Some in paper hoards somewhere like;

"30 Trillion Light Year Journey"
'08 that date I am certain of!!

'Stitched without a trace',
A beaut,
I'd love to dig up,
Idk where but paper,
It is somewhere here!!!

'Worlds Most Wanted Woman',
Stuck on my old phone will be retrieved at some point,
Stored in it's memory viable I know,
Was a long text or series,
I know you so love!!!

Yes by 'Ron the Lord'!!!!
<3<3:):):)!!!

LOVE!!!R

Ty Josephine!!!!

*~Sa Sa, Ra!!!~~

Hi, hello, I'm here.
My name is Lucas-Jasper, but you can call me Jas. (pronounced J-***) Never call me LJ. That's weird.
I'm an Aries, and I'm dumb.

Sometimes I'll write about wth is going on, or I'll write poetry, or nothing at all.
Idk man.

(Feel free to message me whenever *** I'm always on the search for interweb friends)

- Jas

To be free from the closet that bound me.
To be able to see through new eyes.
To be openly joyous and happy.
To no longer feel need to live lies.

Lj Mark 2015

I used to think I was all alone
in feeling the way I do
I went through life wondering
if there were others to

Now I know I'm not alone
and I can be myself
And friends are always here for me
in case I need some help

I wouldn't be here without you
My lovely transgender friends
I'd still be lost and hiding
In my closet until the end

Lj Mark 2015

Someone asked me the other day
Could I ever date a Transgender girl
I think they expected a No, or Maybe
But a different answer popped out of my mouth
A special friend came to mind
A secret love I have
but mine alone, as she speaks only French
She is transgender, and date her I would
I dream of her nightly
dreams I can't put into words
We trans people speak of masks
Of who we tried to be before
Lying, acting, pretending to be male
With the woman we have always been
Hidden behind masks, confined to a closet

But I know for some it is also a mask
The attempts to look female and pass
To hide the body we hate
To be more the woman that we imagine us to be
But isn't that also a mask
The clothes and makeup, lipstick and wigs
Trying to make our bodies
Match who we are in our minds

This secret love I have, the intimate dreams
I want to take off all the masks
The wigs the makeup the clothes and shoes
I want to be with the person beneath all of the masks
That's who I dream of holding, that's who I long to love

by Lj Mark

How can they tell you who to love
Or whether you can marry or not
They say it's God that's telling them this
That it's him who judges you

But God made you like this
From the day you were born
To feel what you feel and even to whom
And it's time for them to understand
Love can be wonderful, pure and strong
No matter if its for either a woman or a man

©Lj Mark 2015

My friends are being murdered
Almost every week
I don't know what to do
Some nights I barely sleep

Should we all move in together
Just so we are safe
Be there to protect each other
Before it becomes too late

©Lj Mark 2015

Some of you sisters are so tired right now
Tired of fighting, tired of feeling you're loosing
Tired of working in an atmosphere of disrespect
Tired of feeling alone with no one to make things better

Whether trans, genderfluid, non binary or cis
Everyone seems to be struggling right now
And I'm also feeling it with struggles of my own
Like dark clouds rolling in before a big storm

But I want you to know that I'm thinking of you
Even though my words shared in private are few
My heart and soul is crying for us all
And wishing I could do more to bring sunshine to you

Just know that I love you, and wish we were close
In the same city at least, where I could help most
But even though I can't, and live far away
My thoughts and prayers are with you each and every day

by Lj Mark

My Pastor said hi last Sunday morn
Asked how I was and said bless you my son
He invited me to join the men's group there
That met after church at a quarter to four

I froze in my seat unable to speak
How should I reply without sounding weak
To make him know and understand
It would be dishonest to join a group for men

I know that my body still looks mostly male
But hadn't he a hint or even a clue
From my painted nails, earrings or perfume
Or the pink bracelet I wore on my arm

I smiled and replied that I'd give it some thought
But I realized that was really an easy way out
I wanted to somehow make him know
That God made me transgender
Though sometimes it doesn't show

Join the men's group no i can never do that
but the ladies group yes I would really enjoy that
But they will never accept that or understand why
And it would sound very odd if I tried to explain
So this transgender Christian will sit quiet and smile
Knowing just who I am, next to God all the while

© Lj Mark 2015

The girl I wish I was
Is fighting to escape
This body slowly wilts
It's masculinity fades

My female mind is strong
It's intuition seldom wrong
But it's fighting what's below
My male body won't let go

Each day brings me closer
To the person I know I am
One day soon you'll see
The woman I was made to be

by Lj Mark

I'm tired.
I'm tired of it taking more mental energy
and self confidence for us to go out in public,
than it does most people.
I don't blame a person, or religion,
its much more than that.
I blame society in general, its peer pressure,
It's structure designed to keep everyone
in small boxes, all thinking the same.
I blame manufacturer's for making every item
we buy gendered male or female,
Just to sell more and make more money.
I blame the media for its lies and ignorance
when reporting about us..
And I blame us is some ways for allowing it.
I blame myself for not doing more,
but I'm just too tired of fighting, struggling
and having to do it all again tomorrow.
I'm Transgender.. And I get tired.

by Lj Mark 2015

Drawstring linen pants,
Unisex from a women's catalogue.
Dark green shirt, tomboy approved.
Enough makeup to hide my faults.
Pink heart earrings, and a silver cross in the 3rd hole.
A silver cross, trans emblem and a silver heart engraved Laura, my true identity, together on a black bead chain.
Silver Lesbian insignia ring with my wedding band on top.
A black 1st finger ring etched with the Lord's prayer.
2 bracelets, one orange one turquoise to match a turquoise hat and dark glasses.
A couple of mists of Acqua di Gioia.
Women's turquoise/orange runners,
And a Victoria's secret backpack.

I didn't really think about the details until evening,
All I knew is I felt comfortable today.
I even went to Kohl's department store alone and browsed, and felt a confidence I'd rarely felt in the past.

Is this how some people feel every day I wonder?
I was so grateful for just today, just one day.
Today I was me

by Lj Mark 2015

I'm tired of terms like his and hers
and everything in between
I'm tired of prefixes that make me feel small
like Trans or any gender at all
I just want to be plain old me
and be the person that I am
and just be liked for being myself
not curiously questioned at all
I was born a Mark, but feel like a Laura
Its really to hard to explain
Just call me what I seem to you
That's perfectly fine with me.

Lj Mark 2015

I'm not a person who collects things
I live a very minimalist's life
But I have a bag of treasures
I keep close to me day and night

I sleep on an old painted daybed
It squeaks softly as I lay down
Most of my clothes are second hand
And my shoes a little worn down

But I have some precious treasures
Hidden in bags of different names
Fendi, Burberry and Prada
Leathers and fabrics of worldly fame

My treasures are hidden deep inside
In makeup bags and zippered pockets
Shiny compacts full of velvety colors
From Paris, Milan and Rome

A black cloth bag of 8 tiny bottles
Protected from the sun and rain
Bottles of perfume oils made in an alchemist's lab
With names like Dragon's Milk, Snow White and Bliss

A Christian Dior handkerchief or two
Hangs delicately inside the bag
In case the breeze brings on a sneeze
Or I notice a tear in the eye of a friend

by Mark Lj

you deserve better.
better than my careless, random, probing texts.
better than the pain you've felt.
i deserve better.
better than your dry, annoyed texts.
better than the emptiness you left me with.

remember when we were together? 9 long months.
i was 14, a child really. you were 17. we didn't mind.
it was after my incident, i was still healing. but you,
you affected me deeply. we didn't start slow, no, we dived in,
holding our breath, because we needed each other.

remember when we kissed for the first time? 3 days after we met.
it was past midnight, we were out exploring.
i stuck my body through the sun roof and i smiled so much it hurt in the best way.
we came back to your house, no one was home. and i looked at you,
and you laughed. then your mouth was on mine and we lay there,
hours, kissing with a passion i craved.

remember my first flashback? 2 months in.
we were in bed, cuddling with no one home. we were content.
my therapist warned me, anything could happen. i didn't even think,
and it was only your hand on my hip, pulling me tight,
and i froze like a cold hand gripped my heart.
you held me loosely while i cried, a pain i didn't know i had,
a pain i didn't know needed to be let out.

remember your truck? 3 months between us.
how the stars were amazing, so we went "exploring," we thought we were clever. we went up a mountain, holding hands while you drove.
when we parked, we climbed into the bed of the truck with blankets.
we laughed and talked and thought,
this is forever. at least i did.

remember our first sleepover? our parents gave in after 4 months.
we stayed at your house, when your mom was gone. i was naive,
yet you didn't mind. the hot tub was perfect, the wine we stole
from the hidden cupboard just right for the moment. we showered together, then climbed into bed. we learned a lot,
that warm, luxurious night.

remember my birthday? 5 months after our kiss.
there was a bad fire at home, lots of evacuations, lots of smoke and fear.
we left and went to the city to get away. we stayed together,
you and me, by ourselves. you made me special that day. you,
it was you that my world revolved around, you, you that i never wanted to leave. my birthday is one of my favorite days
of you and me.

remember when i had to go back to court? 8 months, almost done.
the day i found out, you  came and picked me up. i cried.
you didn't know how to help. you held my hand. i was
helpless, ruined, depressed. we stayed together all night,
and you held me with a nervous expression on your face,
it was one of the worst memories.

9 months.
you and me.
i love you.
you loved me.
you left me
before court
on my own

betrayed.
i loved you.

~ To all my friends ~

To all my friends that I adore
Whether Trans or CIS or Gay galore
I'm sending my thoughts, best wishes and love
That your lives may have blessings from high above

You're beautiful as you are, in every way
And I admire you all, at the end of the day
I dream that some day, we can all share a hug
And until that day comes, you all have my love

by LJ Mark 2015

This struggle inside me
How it tears at my soul
Pulling me towards her
Like screams from a sword

While he stubbornly digs in
Always ready for a fight
Showing off her insecurities
With a masculine delight

But when they both collapse
Exhausted from the fight
A magical moment happens
And harmony resides

Her essence feels so strong
And it quickly flows within
But soon he will be back again
And another struggle will begin

by Lj Mark 2015

Little boy
Red fires trucks
Tree forts
Grasshoppers
Model rockets
Rock n roll
The sea
Growing body
Out of place
Sitting alone
Watching
Lonely
Hide
No one understands
Girl crush
Cars
Writing
21
Alcohol
Drugs
Relief
Job
Alcohol
Must smile
Alcohol
Work
Forget
Gay girls
Weekends with Heidi
I fit in
Guys made jokes
Hate them
Hate them
Alcohol
Alcohol
Marriage
Love
Happier
Travel
Escape
Love
30 years
Hiding
Feel it
Covered
Concealed
Leaking out
Femininity
Fashion
Passion
Beauty
Desire
Need
I'm Trans
Release
Lightened
Free
Happy
Me

©Lj Mark 2015

The preachers shout out on Sunday morn,
from stages and podiums at the top of their lungs.
God made men to be men, women to be women,
and he never makes any mistakes from heaven.

To be different is a sin, and you must turn away,
ignore your true self and be all that they say.
Dress as they dress, speak as they speak,
stand up like a man, and don't show yourself weak.

But they don't ever say, yet know that they should,
that gender's in the brain, and not in how you look.
And because of that, no mistakes were made,
Men will always be men, and a woman I've always been.

© Lj Mark 2015

Obsession ~

Some of us go through life
And the scars of failures grow
Not feeling like we ever fit in
Until we can take it no more

We try so hard with all our might
Asking God for strength and deliverance
But in the end we loose this fight
And reach a time of decisions

A bell goes off in our heads one day
That starts the obsession to change
It fills our thoughts, our hearts, our minds
And we have no choice but to follow it

In the end we will find our authentic selves
Or we'll likely put a gun to our heads
There is no turning back
There's only do or die trying

If you aren't transgender you won't understand
How these things can be so life threatening
Until you hear that Bell one day
And your lives are turned upside down

by Lj

That year was so cold
As cold as that winter that wouldn't end
All I remember about that year
Was how little I fit in anywhere
How I connected with no one
How I sat alone at school
While in a room with 40 others

I lost count of how many hours I spent
Alone in my parents cold garage
Sitting in my car that needed a new motor
Watching the snow fall from the window
And the breath rise from my mouth

All the times I sat staring at a handful of pills
Too broken to go on, but too scared to sign out
Caught in endless torment, with no future in sight
Half of me not caring anymore
Half wanting so bad to hold on

I never imagined I'd survive that year
Or the next, then 5, and 10
Or have the life that I have today
But I am evidence that all of it's true

And giving up too early in life
Is like throwing your cards down too soon
You just might be holding a king or a queen
But it might take you more time to know

by Lj Mark

~Blessed be us~

Star light, star bright.
Bless all of my trans friends tonight.

Blessed be us, who walk the walk
That one day we'll be together to hug and talk.

May we stand together in unity,
While sharing ourselves with humanity.

Let our smiles conquer our uncertainty and pain
And our sincerity and heart be our umbrella in the rain.

Let's show the world the kindness it lusts,
And make the world know how its - Blessed to be us.

by Lj Mark 2015

6 months at sea, on a cold cargo ship..
2000 containers, stacked as even as the dishes in grandma's cupboards..
Checking the lines, tightening the bolts that the sea slowly loosens..

At the days end, bunk time, a precious 12 hours till next shift..
Plugging a laptop into an old jack in my bunk..
Only 3 text emails a day, routed through the sat-link on the bridge..

I check the local listings in Miami, hoping to find an email friend for the voyage..
I notice the name Jamie on the local listings, I knew a Jamie once, a girl from school years past..

I type hello, pleasantries enclosed, hoping for a reply..
The next day a reply, small talk, Jamie's sweet..
She isn't the same Jamie I knew, but we connect and keep writing each day..
Jamie and I get close, writing long emails, few secrets kept..

5 1/2 months pass, Jamie fills my mind each day..
Only 2 weeks until i come home, counting hours now..
I email Jamie, let's meet when I get home..
The screen goes blank, Jamie doesn't reply to my message..
3 days, nothing..
What did I say, what went wrong, why..

Saturday an email waits, it's her..
I'm sorry, I've been so sad this week..
I've let you think something about me that isn't true..
I lied, and I won't be able to hide it if you ever saw me..
And… Well… I love you… And I selfishly led you on..

I'm in the dark I said, I don't understand at all..
I don't care what you look like, how did you lie..
Jamie hesitates.. 5 minutes pass..
Because I'm a guy, not a girl like you thought..
My name sounds female, but is a guy's name too..
It just happened, then it was too late to tell you, we got so close so fast, you would have stopped writing..

Are you serious.. What, you're gay..
Yes…
I slam closed the laptop..
3 days pass, we arrive home tomorrow..
I'm calm now, I thought things through..
I email Jamie one last time..

I'm still upset, but I guess I understand now..
When I get home tomorrow we all leave the back of the ship, walk the block away to the parking lot..
You can sit in the park by where we walk past, if you want to see what I looked like..
But I have no words, I'm still so confused..
I just want to go home..
So tired..

We dock at 7am and all head down the walkway to the parking lot and our cars and taxis await..
Feeling so sad, my head looking down counting cracks in the sidewalk, to keep from crying..

I notice a guy standing alone away from the walk just watching everyone leave the ship and walk past..
I glance a second time, he's still looking toward the ship..
His face is red, with tears, I know it's him..
He never saw me walk past..

I stop, turn and look towards him..
He sees me, and somehow knows it's me to..
From the distance between us I see him mouth the words, I'm sorry..
I silently say, I know..

I drop my bags to the ground..
Walk up to him and we hug, sobbing for a long time..
Let's go home I whisper..
But you're not Gay..
It doesn't matter I say..
When it comes to my heart, I don't care..

by Lj Mark 2015

I'm so self aware now.
No hiding anymore.
No more pretending to be someone I'm not.
I'm free.
Floating through racks of once forbidden clothes in every color of the rainbow.
Touching lace and chiffons with tears from years of it being taboo to even look.
I used to want to so bad.
Browsing women's shoes with sparkles in my eyes.
I know my size now.
Just knowing makes me giddy.
No more looking over my shoulder in case someone sees me.
Look at me now.
I'm completely self aware.
I'm free.
I'm me.
I'm who I'm supposed to be.

by Lj Mark 2015

Isn't it funny the times that we share
Whether out in the world or from a favorite chair
No matter if we're talking face to face
Or with computer in lap chatting in cyberspace

Friendships become families that we choose ourselves
Often better and deeper than those in our house
They love and console our every pain
Accept us regardless of age, gender or name

Don't let a day pass
you don't tell them it's true
That they make your life special
And that I love you

by Lj Mark

Family of Trans

Talons raised, like an eagle ready to strike
Strength within surging, searching for an outlet
Feeling invincible, needing to shout from a high place
Shouting look at me, see all that i am and have become

We will not be kept down, or be trampled under foot
We are proud of our uniqueness, proud of our completeness
Our strength shines bright, knowing we are beautiful
Our genders shift, flow, reverse from what our bodies tell us

And we shine, we are the diamonds of Trans, stars so bright
We blind many, with our gifts, our skills and passion
Our hearts are open to all that will see, deep and full of love
We are the stars in the sky at night, the sparkle of the seas

We are the family of Trans, we are beautiful and strong.

by Lj Mark, 2015

~ Triggers ~

The smell of nail polish
High heels on a hardwood floor
Movie kisses and love scenes
The smell of perfume
Hair spray and flowered soap
Orange blossoms and chocolate
Ocean waves and a crackling fire
Gasps, giggles and high pitched laughs
Silk sheets and brass beds
A breath, a touch, a kiss in the dark
Waking up naked, camomile tea
Roses, roses and more roses

All of these things bring joy to my heart
Make me feel like my body and mind aren't apart
Make me long to be someone that I've never been
And give me a reason to wake, and imagine I can

by Lj Mark 2015

~ Learning to love all over again ~

When i was a boy I learned how to love
Watching the older boys at drive in movies
Dads stories with mom, vague without details
They pushed me on to act a man
strong and powerful, always on top
Always in charge and seizing that moment

But now I've changed, and thats not me
I feel more like the girls i was with than he
I just want to melt, my heart vulnerable and free
To lay so softly with hardly a single sound made
Loving as tender as a woman could be
Not like they taught me, I'm not that at all
I'm more like a daughter, or an angel of love.

by Lj Mark 2015

Why on earth was I made this way?
Someone sure must have been drinking that day.
This body feels like it's from outer space,
from the tips of my toes to the nose on my face.
These mens clothes feel like they came from mars,
they're the most absurd things I could wear by far.

So I hide in my dream, a most comfortable place,
that smells of jasmine and visions of pink lace.
Soft silk sheets that cover my curves,
nightgowns and rosewater, my female mind's cure.
Long flowing hair, with a sweet smile and eyes,
finish my dream as I fade in the night.

by Lj Mark 2015