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Robin Carretti Jul 2018
Being cared for
Here's the  adored door

Inside playing he pours the hearts

So like him the ricochet
Deeply love so cultured
My pearl crochet

Deeply cared about I got you
under my skin
I win your love ticket

The spool of
wool hit the floor
To the extreme
The sensitive mind

  And his feeling like the escapee finding
the higher
religion keeping that in mind
The everlasting  to be cared for or
not to be never lasting like someone
lost its hunger fasting

Waking up deeply recharged or
reproducing to
her neverending fairytale

Much deeper than 69 eye love shades
Deeply cared for beyond his loving
It comes and fades
Like Monopoly  "Godly Sun-Seeker" keeps
passing us
The game of life charades
Like Persian babies their
button nose deeply cared for to cuddle
The warmest meows hug and save

Like flour to sparkle, it deepens
like our mix, a love needs
to be worked on 
 do you really
care to fix?

But sending all the details
the lines soften pale pink rose
I felt your red fire putting
out the coldness fire and ice
To be saved on time
Like the fire chief,  
Acted like a French chef what
a love roue of the hose

Like silk my millennium  milk,
He held my finger but not
to sulk he said buckle up
What firmness and tightness
arm to arm wrestler such
bulk

Never to swear but a little lie 
  Wouldnt hurt my delicate
pinky finger
In her loop with her fur
deeply
Stepped into her mink

He's the frontman
Fresh cut lemon
Yellow sunshine
happy medium

I was wearing my hair middle parted
The picture slide the made man
Tied back my hair was deeply
Smooth talker well conditioned
With what conditions all recollections
But three strikes when you care for
someone you  don't fall out of love

  This world loves to be pampered
Cared about not scouted
All hole marks in the road badly routed
 With tons of work with the question mark?
The sign stayed with her
Deeply care about?

Like a play date let's pretend
You're both a handful
Like beer malt lips
Engraved love in the barrels
To feel deeply loved  he acted
Like the riddler

The beach her eyes were waiting to be reached
Sunset playing the fool marionette overly preached

So I  Bette
Beneath her wings
In the middle of their wed to be isles
The Green Gables emerald rings

Miss spinster-Sara Lee cake
His jeep was all she could take
How it ended up
In Greenwich Village then shipped
To Mystic Seaport Connecticut
The movie cut Cape Cod Massachusetts
The four letters in his pocket
Deeply 1 care 2 about 3 love 4

Needed a jump kickstart
Her breakfast  start of the day
 deeply cared for his way
He stumped over her honey
bunches of oats lips

The website
Go, Daddy acting love silly
The hot fun in the
International city
The UK that's OK
Mr. Bo Jangles spoiled deeply
*** in the City single
Deeply getting hurt
The Sin City

Did he see her progress
All over Twitter
He was so suited but lost
his tie twinkle tweets
Do I really live my life to dare
or deeply care?
I am ****** British give me
my English breakfast teas
for keeps
The King ain't got that swing
She acts too much like the Queen

The Royalty of love sanity
The heaping fine grain sugar spoon

(Duke of Earl gray) Deeply love Thee
But always came way too soon
She is the domestic cat going frantic

Great discoveries, and that's that
  Internships tug-cash or the hogwash
our colleagues  
The deep end "Crazy Eights
On the tenth physio natural
phenomena convent

All the Kingman no swords holding her
wrench
and knight horses unfortunate events
One day creation camel ride for miles
Reaching higher levels of toxins
and morons
Or teaching MLM  you asked for it
"The millionaire lost minds"

Were human TLC tender loving care
Like some playdough to the rooftop
Of Mentors, did they care
Who we deeply care about family
But more concerned
about the rise of money inventors
Even if life really *****
Oh! Fiddlesticks

The Moaning of life
Bring the Idiots aboard
The ***** of the night

He kinda ducks by the end of
your ***-light
Flex-body deeply cared for
Rumors and all philosophies
The shower like you was slashed
Left you bone dry without the cash
The thrill is gone your lovesick

She-devil  coffin red nails split Twilight zone

  The stars were in your corner
He deeply cared for you he was
your health kit
The Botanical Gardens

Like a figment of your imagination
Se demure you needed a
Florence Nightingale flower cure
To lift your depression to smile
You thought someone cared but all
misinterpretations

All misconceptions and misdemeanors
She takes so long putting on her
French lip glide Chanel liner
What could be ever cared for finer
Deeply digging holes like a miner

The solar rhythmic pointed finger
to the stars

So systematically
making a wish
just like everyone else
To plan your game
the game makes the plan
You deeply cared for delivery
Was I the care package

You weren't someone
just anybody like
A city dump garbage

Deeply wanting and waiting
So merely or rarely was it coming

Deeply seeing the next generation
The spectacular sunrise
White wicker twin set swing
Your heart pulls back but it was
so close to swinging forward
Moving towards your
accomplishments
The mess was all ****

"You have the exceptional mind like the beautiful mind"

People, you came across friends
Also, contributors  not the enemies
The country and the continents
Deeply cared for landmarks
The monuments how you love
her birthmark taking her hand

The Godly land such will command
moonwalker deeply cared for
All watered deep soul of lovers
The world of hands and
words became
such an impact

You felt like the creature so extinct
Things we deeply care about or no one doesn't understand our feeling we move or fly in all directions just to get the right affection
Rejection, Rejection,
Oh, how that I loathe thee
It seems to me that you are
NOT my cup of tea.

I have tried to fit in
And to get in on the action,
But you just keep coming in;
giving me a bad reaction.

I have applied myself
To many aspects of life,
You came in, ruined it,
And you’ve given me the strife.

From jobs, internships, applications, and auditions
for a chance to act in the theatrical productions,
to contests, competitions, sports games and tryouts
Thanks to you, I’m feeling left out.

I’ve lost the hope, I’ve lost the faith
In any aspect that I put myself into,
You, Rejection, are the cause of all of this
You’ve made me feel sad and blue.

I feel like I’m a loser
And I’ve given up the fight
You’ve kept me in the darkness
I can’t seem to see the light!

I have big dreams and goals
Wanting to be an entertainer;
You just set my dreams and goals aside.
That’s a no-brainer.

I’m depressed and lonely
And it’s all thanks to you!
Rejection, you’ve just made
My nightmares come true!

This is not what my purpose
In life’s supposed to be,
Rejection, please go away!
Please let me be!

I would hide all of my true feelings
From my relatives, colleagues, and friends,
Please stop this, Rejection!
I want it to end!

Rejection, Rejection,
I really hate you!
We’re breaking up and
going our separate ways.
I’m through with you!
Olivia Daniels Jun 2020
Enjoy it while you can
      they say
These next 4 years are going to fly by
      and they did

-Join a club
-Do an internship
-Make friends
-Write a resume, cover letter
-Fall in love
-Apply for jobs
-Do something crazy
-Build your professional portfolio
-Socialize for hours
-Find a grad school
       they say "it's the college experience"

Is it the college experience to feel
Underappreciated and Overworked?
Elated and Devastated?
Accomplished and Incompetent?

It never feels like it's enough
      no, I never feel like I'm enough
I've spent hours staring at a screen
Either in class or at home, it doesn't matter
I scrolled through so many blogposts and jobposts
Applied to countless positions and internships
All for nothing

"What's the best way to do college?"
      is the question I'm constantly asking myself
      and anyone who will listen that might have the answers
"What am I doing wrong?"
      how can so many people have accomplished so much
      before I've even made a name for myself

my 21 credit semester
my double major
my additional minor
my 6 semesters of straight A's
my 2-year executive board position
my part-time minimum wage job
Were they all not enough? What am I doing wrong?
Why can't I find even an unpaid internship?

Despite my exhaustive efforts,
      and I do mean exhaustive, full burn-out
I still see people
people who have done way less, tried way less
with full rides, wonderful internships and jobs right out of college.

None of it is fair.

And I have nothing to show for it.

So has this just been 4 wasted years?

What can I make of myself in the real world,
with nothing to show for my college career?
RWM Apr 2018
~~~

I sat alone in the bleachers
On a Friday night
I saw the ghost of my brother
Saw the ghost of my fallen kite
And I met you for the
1st,
2nd,
3rd,
4th,
5th,
6th time
Because when I'm with you, time stops,
And there's nothing but the air and us
And the city lights, and fast food stops, and gas stations
You give me tingles across my body, ecstatic sensations
And I'm sorry if I'm fixated,
On your big, beautiful...

Aspirations, and dreams
Because they involve me
And, and
I love you!
But what is love?
Baby, please don't hurt me
Because my heart can't take anymore breaking
But there isn't anymore love,
It's all about internships and college and jobs
My body yearns, and throbs
For your touch
A little too much

I'm drowning, in my feelings
And the noises
The ocean is washing over my grave
The ocean is washing open your grave
In my heart, you're the one that keeps me safe

We're mixing the palettes of each other's colours
I love you,
So will you be my kite runner?
For U
Samuel Nov 2012
Beginning to look at such things as
internships and career choices, influenced by
"best places to raise children" and "quality
school systems", by parks and sunny
afternoons and artist representation
firms

I only wonder when the frosting on your
lips will turn into berries from our
thoughtful garden
                                (surely life is picking up
speed and painting on layers, colorful
intricacies of present and future)
Tell me your thoughts or share a story on the subject.
I walked down for my daily meal,
probably spinach salad
and yesterdays pork in a soup
and flesh on the brain stopped me
dead in my pace
when I saw this striated sack of bones

a greyhound, kept thin as ribs
by the genes she was bred to express
collapsed on the end of chain, tail-tucked
dead weight where once was thoroughbred speed

built for speed, life on the fast-track
chasing a mechanical sheep
a lure she’ll never catch
kept hungry
for the good chance she’d run faster

winning some beer-belly’s bets
but at least she was given a wage—
a crate, and all the food she’d need
to stay thin.  when genes turned her
speed to the slip and sag of age
one ******* was human enough

instead of a quick slug pulling out her brain
through a new hole and pinning it to the dirt
behind the trailers, Beer-bellied *******
let her retire to an old-dog’s  crate
plastic walls and one gate

Isn’t she beautiful??
I raise my gaze from the hound’s caramel eye
and find the thing clutching the chain,
grinning like hooks pulling cheeks
far too wide, with too much skin on her thighs,
a squat pile of woman bred on fatty beef and pecan pies

We rescued her, she’s our mascot!
and she hands me a flyer:
EDUCATION INTERNSHIPS
PUT YOUR LIFE ON THE *FAST-TRACK!!
Duke Thompson May 2015
The solution to 21st century decline is Apparently increased competition
Higher grades, better schools, more Degrees, extra curricular activities, Volunteering, unpaid internships

Until you can't keep up anymore and the Rat race falls apart, you're facing mounting Student debt, employers say you are Simultaneously under and overqualified, You've developed mental illness from years Of incessant perfectionism and no one Gives a **** anymore, not even you
Justin Time Jul 2014
You can have
All that you dream
Said my dad
Eyes opening

From that moment
A ****** for lust
Was my main component

Wealth was a must
No one to trust
Hated everyone, except green faces
I guess I had become a racist

Skate through class, got a degree
But only thought of luxury
Traded all my friendships
For full time internships

As you work your way up the latter
Money becomes all that matters
Bank account high, seven digits
Before my age was five times six

But how can you flaunt it to your **** list
When you lack time to even spend it?
So confined, in this concrete jungle
No love of mine, I'd ever stumble

Trapped within the US dollar
Perhaps I shouldn't have even bothered
But now I wear the golden handcuffs
Without a key, I try to stand tough

If I was poor, I'd be less happy
Another round, and make it snappy
Drown myself in fine wine
And crown myself after I snort my line

Set the alarm and sink to bed
I wish I couldeve seen ahead
I wish my father would have told me
Zeros and commas, can make you lonely.
Alexandra Jun 2014
Excuses? I've got tons of them. I have an average GPA, an average GRE score, and an average g . Yet I'll spend hours with a friend listening to her problems with her boyfriends alcoholic dad, or the roommate who's mom had cancer, or ill spend hours grocery shopping with a person I rarely get to see but that time means more to me than any amount of time spent with my nose in a book. Average ? Sure that's average- spending life doing what you love with the people you love. That's average. Or that's my excuse not to study. Ill let you be the judge. Ill spend hours on a Saturday driving home to pick up two cousins that have cracked out parents just to buy them rain boots for school. Average rain boots on an average Saturday. Another excuse not to study or have my nose in a book. Or the two internships and 2 jobs I hold because I find it more interesting to know people through their mannerisms and the nervous habits they pick up when they know they have a busy day ahead. You know the scrunch in their nose when they get an anxious feeling?Or the slight tap their right foot makes to distract rhemselves from their busy thoughts as they make coffee at 8 AM. No book nor research paper can show me that. Or maybe that's my excuse not to study. My average excuse not to study. You've never witnessed that? too busy with life right ? excuaes. Or what about the afternoons I come home with the honest intent to get ahead outlining my notes but my sister calls to explain her distraught news of troubles with paying bills and finding a job. Again the outline becomes less important. But maybe that's my excuse. I'll always have an excuse, but I always get the work done. As long as your okay with it being average.  My grades, my score, my g maybe average. But the life I devote to others is anything but. And so if my excuse of being average and okay with that is just an excuse than so be it. But at 21 I understand that relationships and people can not be average. My scores can be average, but no impact or influence can ever be average. If that's the job I want, than I'm not sure how could ever be denied for being average. Yet maybe this is just my excuse, my excuse to work harder alongside people than any statistic or fact combined. Average excuses ? I'm full of them. But people are what I'm good at, it's people that bring me above average. All excuses aside, when it comes to people I've never had an excuse to drop everything. And so I always drop everything. For the people.
L Marie Jun 2014
I have asked myself a million times a day
How an eighth of my life took so much away...
We met when I was twenty-one,
Drinking, partying, having fun.
Wild hearts, crazy dreams, living for the moment;
From that drunk first kiss, my steel-made walls were bent.
I never partied much,  but I thanked God I did that night;
From silly dates, inside jokes, that spark in our heated fights,
Our feelings stayed strong, in tact, when push came to shove
And from that sober first time, we soon called it love;
Movie nights in our dorms, summers spent missing each other,
Sleepovers, phone calls, and the first time you met my mother;
Wishing in wells, eleven-eleven, shooting stars;
Graduation day, no one thought we'd make it that far.
Working doubles, living cheap,
We soon took that big old leap;
Rented an apartment in the city, internships at hand;
Didn't have much but I had all I needed in all the land.
Partners in crime, sidekicks in love is how it had always been;
They thought we'd marry; who would've known we'd prove them wrong again....
An eighth of my life was all, for sure;
Three out of twenty-four years, you were
Yet all those years of childhood mean nothing--
We talked of our future children--does that still mean something?
Remembering the past, I don't ever want to start anew...
Yet here we are, maybe a million miles apart;
I can't hold back tears, I still have you close in heart.
But perhaps we've moved closer to the truth:
An eighth of my life is over for good.

And, as much as I'll try, a part of me will always love you--
That eighth of my shattered--mending--heart that will always stay true.
P I Watson Mar 2022
You found me churning,
Bouncing up and down
As I rolled dramatically downhill.
You knew what would be better
And calmly intervened

You took hold with confident hands
And bent my trajectory
Up into U shaped happiness

The highs and lows have softened
The amplitude modulated
The direction now up and forward

I want you with me on this gentle arc
Our slopes equivalent
Our speeds matched

Ahead I can see
sunny days on lakes
crisp mornings in the mountains
Autumns on golden ponds.

Our path winds by popped corks and caps thrown,
New suits for social media internships,
Wedding toasts and father-daughter dances.

We will share new houses with old friends,
Co-ed baby showers with pink predator t-shirts,
Bad poems at retirement parties.

I could not see these things if it weren’t for you
Thank you for bending my curve
Pluck Mar 2016
My friends always come to me, I'm so often playing therapist.
It's life, we all have em, no problem should ever be embarrassing.
So you'll have to forgive me I might be single until I'm 50.
If I get depressed so many people miss me so I don't have the time to waste with someone acting iffy.
Talking about internships and aspirations with friends I'd give a kidney
Seeing the good ones some of you cheat on, you people have to be kidding.
Loyalty's no longer a discussion.
With my generation I'm digusted.
Every month I gain an enemy and lose a cousin.
People treat me differently ever since I became something.
& on top of that how am I ever supposed to look at my lady? And say "baby lets have a baby" when black babies are dropping dead in my cities, this life is crazy.
I don't know if talking about it helps.
This the stuff that's on my mind, I usually just keep it to myself.
krista Oct 2013
they say that summer's when you hate yourself. you look down at the valleys between your thighs and the hills making their way across your stomach and let the beach towel drape across your chest instead of on the sand. they say that summer's where you find yourself, in the internships between semesters and the hours spent with your fingers wrapped in a telephone cord, your feet dangling off the edge of the desk. yet i think that summer's where i lose myself. in the time that seems both endless and ending, and the sunrises that i both greet and miss (usually the latter). the ocean is crisp and clear, yet the grass is just as inviting and so is a game football or even a game of "who can eat the most marshmallows" in between swallows of laughter and air. summer's the season of love, emanating from the records in my room to the hot air outside. it doesn't matter what tomorrow means, or when he'll come home (or if he ever will at all). **you are young. you are beautiful. you are the summer. and you've only just begun.
Can we just hop on a train and go somewhere where we don't know the end destination? Right now, this very moment. No thoughts, no second-guessing, no packing, no questions asked. Let's just go and go and go and go. Late nights, early mornings, and long afternoons with no plans—just the blissful taste of random, spontaneous life. Life without responsibilities and reliability. Without lifelong goals, dreams, and expectations. Life without bills and internships to get to that job, to get to that job, to get to that job. Life without insurance. Life without the question of life without.

Let's just hop on a train, right here, right now, this very moment. Don't question me, because if you do, I'll back out immediately—I know it.
Jason Jul 2015
In truth, I know naught. Why I am so sad?
It worries me; you say it wearies you.
In lieu of times much simpler much happier;
sandbox wars, creaking swings, afternoon swims
we’ve essays, tutorials and internships,
then sales meetings, social events and the
occasional blind date. Entwined by work
and a distinct loneliness, we clutch at
fragile things, irrational whims; silence
rings a mutual suffering. So bring me
back to bygone days, revisit the ways
you raced me to the pool, we crafted sand-
castles, walls higher than Jack’s bold bean-
stalk, we tried coaxing winds to whistle as we
reached our toes to touch the sky, to dream of
walking the moon, firefighting, saving
animals, or even following Tom
Sawyer into his cave in search of gold.
So, darling, take me back to the past, what
gilded sands of time cannot quite bury,
to reclaim the lost innocence of a
spotless mind, to relive a time when life
was not measured by schedules, to regret
ever saying: “I can’t wait to grow up”
shireliiy Sep 2015
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Luna Casablanca Aug 2014
I wake up,
I put on my plaid,
I put liner on my eyes,
honestly, it doesn't look bad.
Its not about whats on me,
its what I do.
I may not always comprehend,
and I may not be a good friend.
I've let people down
so many times in my life
before.
Remember that I am only human,
and with times like these
there will be plenty more.
I say, I do, I misunderstand you.
You tell, You instruct, I say,
what the ****?
Now today I washed my insecure
and told me I love you.
I knocked the mental Stop Sign
down and out of my face.
No longer will people react to my
smartness by taking as a,
"Surprise! Happy Birthday!"
The liner on my eyes
shows no coverage, but
esteem.
Try a new guitar brand,
try a new flavor ice cream.
Theres so much more to life than
internships,
Co-ops,
and strawberry freeze-pops.
It's trying,
applying,
and learning.
So we deal with
the post-argument
and the popcorn thats burning.
As I grow,
I'll have you know,
the liner on my eyes,
Is supposed to show.
My quirky-artsistic me,
has so many better places
to go.
So I'll put on my liner,
I'll be myself,
and when I am,
DON'T EVER
tell me NO.
xmxrgxncy Nov 2018
It's funny. They say with progression comes ease of life. However, this has not proved to be true.
Straight A's? Check. But a 97 on a test tanks my average since it's currently at 100.
Working out every day? Covered. But now that I've lost so much weight my clothes don't fit.
Internships? Got them. But the work they're taking leaves me exhausted and unable to maintain the idea of finding a job right now because I haven't the time.

Success is great. But don't ever let them tell you that there isn't a bad side. Even relatively.

I just want an 85 to feel like a victory again, one day of working out to be enough to go out and get ice cream for, to be able to make money for myself.

But god, why does swimming feel like drowning?
Marielle vindicated my deprecations on the unavoidable stretches of Avignon, on Pentecost, we sat down writing each one in her hands, with your name and mine ..., we thought disfigured, we thought of the incorruptible doctrine of love, devout sense, and avenue that silences of the tremulous face in the arias of a Trastevere,
It took us further than an incautious thistle imprisoned in my memory ..., you hunted the mystique that spreads its temptation admeasure to have you inquisitive ..., and Francois your father, as if he were here in the arms of Priamo and Paris, in a pluralism of 1300!

With gall, tarnish, and Scientology I have frozen in your necropolis,
where I keep waiting to see if the astragalus will turn green on its twenty spellings, the warmth of your hands has delayed the reminiscence of enteric-speaking passion, tingling with hormonal satiety, with zephyr that is disgraced by the corruptible prism, with oculi that are archived for you, with each serving of the memorial fractal!

Caletres mine and corrode to the detriment, after judgments of others to see you winged Melusina, in tippable cuttings of our partial lichens, spotting the molds that are resurrected! thicken them and slide into passions beyond the platonic third itch, wielding three thirds that rule the sun, and that uncover my cell in Chauvet; The years fear the future when the transitive past ruled only when you saw yourself in the evasive Avignon Cathedral, around the requesting star of a Capuletto, or a Quentinnais who knows what it is to burn in the frames of the Mausoleum if it is an Eden, or a crass neo-Eden, cracked over my heliocentric love!

Transfinitos Calixtos finite modest when making you my Shemash,
brute medieval Christian doubt, the thunder of dedication and fervent holiness, his hand will drain away with the Greek Gallic host, sealing the fire of the bayard, that simpleton shudders mobile on the stars that open your eyes of the lintel and the dawn of it, which affronts decisive prose, and which should not be limited in the turpentine prose that threads it, with the darned language dreaded of the Anthropokairós, that is clogged with words and resins, towards mourning pistils in infamous brotherhoods, rising in graceful blizzards, and that shakes its veil of mobile touch of Gallic
Greca, forging revivals with quotes from Marielle during the day, falls into a lost day.

Decentralized and pseudo phases are vacated in the medieval indoctrinated stars, that freeze releasing in your hands on the snowfields, shining in fervor halos that desecrate, rather than a worse arrest that only tarnishes in terminology, and not in events and thoughts that decant more times than corroded prose by thousands ...
indivisible and atomistic the attachments model Marielle, which risks that multi expire, where I will never leave without the risk of her, between arms and hidden ages.

Long vigils, they reiterate what I undid of time in Arles in the hands of a desolate Ginés born from me, conceiving your burnished hereditary Greek accent, like a votive offering immersed in walls that slide in compressed water on themselves ... in themselves, they are hidden narrated and narrative, in trials that will make the ginés green, in sessile tragic anguish, permeating what hell was and that burned at your height without more than going up, without hearing if it became fruitless when it ceased its pulsation! Flowing into your rhythm, which always beat in your mansion hunch, and its working glasses.
  
I fled, but I never distanced myself, only my random feet were hardened on the cornice of heaven, always dramatized in the imagination that consoled me with an august and probable tragedy, far from vessels and glasses that were filled in ruined castes, condensed with humidity, and dewy Greco-Gallic dew, with flimsy nondescript lips that squeezed.

The great Valdaine was sprinkled with petals that puckered the Canephores, falsified in Persephone, overestimating voracious paternalisms that fertilize all the fields of the world, behind his inquisitive waistband, logging revived hearts on Patmos.

What agonizing pleasure registers face down in infamy at the death of a disaffection, he layman has fallen apocopes, with grandiose passions of faith to sustain himself, with shaken science in worlds that solidify his quarterly orthodoxy, with endearing unions in his bellies, with the secret of loving you like a Dominican ...
rational and undaunted symbols fall ..., lateral to see them lacerated,
Arranging yourself female in a heterogeneous century, being one and not, like a memory knife!

Not a centipede achieves it, nor the strides of a caterpillar with a hundred feet plus one, They are glimpsed with mystical postures and internships that make them an aspirant, but I do not confront anyone without my Xiphos, nor without the random zafral of possessing you,
I prophesy it in Valdaine or Helleniká, a transcript of the visionary temple that venerates you, and that is not overcome by uncontained ties or random and agile confinements to leave far away from you…, in pro cloister mechanics, where no millennium belongs!

The urgency of the gap strengthens in the head of my wayward Bayard, he declines and bows, evades itself of the raptor to feed itself, like me without losing you and becoming preferred to someone else's luck, knowing that chilly early mornings speak nothing of the mornings, that they shackle the night helped by the rooftops, and with accouterment fields to migrate them from their chains, coarse and one-eyed when they rise from their antlers, releasing shackles and cheeks, allowing a second to appear in their accent and of their great company, carrying the colt root, with gallic and unblemished sylphid greca; Oh venerable Greca, Gallic Marielle come to me!
Marielle Meus Spiritus
The current day is May 1st, 2024. I believe I might have found Brianna. And she’s gone. . .

About eight years ago from this date, I would have my first encounter with this mysterious girl. With all of this having taken course over such a long amount of time, a lot of the details are blurry compared to how solidified they used to be to me. But, back to the first encounter, although encounter sounds more like a passive aggressive frightening experience, I’m not sure what other word I might use to describe it. Maybe it was a chance meeting or divine intervention, but encounter gets the meaning across a bit more fluently, as every time I would find this girl I would be in total shock, utter disarray, and my heart would beat so fast I’d feel as though a heart attack was right around the corner.

The first time I ever met her was through a dream. . .

I can’t remember what this particular dream was. I’m not exactly sure what happened in it, why I found it so profound, or how it even got me to begin thinking about this girl. All I know was that it got my attention and I began to pay attention to this idea, this one night miracle where I first met this mysterious woman.

The night I had that dream, I’m pretty sure I thought nothing of it. Who doesn’t have a dream every so often where they’ve met their true love, their other half, their once in a lifetime love of their life? I’ve always been a bit of a hopeless romantic and I’ve always known that this was one of my deeply ingrained character traits. From my first ever year in school in first grade, I had a very large crush on this girl, Ashley Amaya, and I remember wanting so badly to be her crush as well. I even remember a moment from school when I saw a spider crawling towards her and me while walking across a paved walkway to get to our next class, and I leapt towards it and crushed it, despite having a massive fear of the little demons at the time. But, I did it to impress her!

All that to say, the first dream wasn’t extraordinary, and instead it was just another more than usual somber morning when I woke up only to realize the beautiful woman I had just met was probably a mixture of something I ate and some tv show I’d probably seen the afternoon before. Time would go by, the memory of that first dream fading to the farthest recess of my mind with only a hint of any remote recognition still reminiscing in the deepest abyss of my head.

But, this is when what started out as a dream began to become a bit more substantial. This is when Brianna began to plague my mind.

Over the course of the next few weeks, I began to have recurring dreams of being in love with this mysterious woman. She began to become more familiar in a very inconvenient and unreliable way which was of course through the remembering of my dreams. In the beginning stages, I’d only ever catch glimpses of her face and the reset was usually a silhouette or a very rushed moment. The rushed moments were hard to describe but they were full of light, always this wonderful warm yellow light and though they were rushed, time also slowed down significantly in a perplexing way that I still can’t really understand to this day.

I’d see her dark brown hair flowing and filtering the light into these tiny and magnificent rays making a twinkling in what was usually a dark atmosphere. I’d catch the corner of her mouth turning ever so slightly into a warm beautiful smile as she looked away, something else in the vicinity stealing her attention for the moment. There were intense feelings of joy and tranquility and there was a warmth about the situation I could only hope to ever feel in the true cold and lightless world we all collectively call home. Something about her was so intensely special, and the fact that I even got to share a dream with her was the highest privilege I could’ve ever received.

As time would go on, I’d continue to have these dreams. She always stayed the same, with her long dark brownish red hair flowing ever so gracefully. It got to the point that when I would have these dreams, I would’ve preferred to not wake up, just so I could spend more time with her.

Over a year would go by. At this point in life I was still just in high school and still brand new to learning life in the real world compared to the sheltered view I used to have. I had just gotten a job at the local Home Depot as a cashier, literally a few weeks after I got my license since my parents were unwilling to pay for gas for me (as good parents should do!) I was still figuring out life with my friend groups and trying to balance the reality of starting to become more mature and take on more responsibilities while still trying to cling to my childhood of digging holes and bashing legos against the wall with my brothers! It was an odd time, which I guess many can easily familiarize themselves with the timeframe as we’ve all at one point been teenagers.

One of the biggest things in my life I remember being a bit troublesome though, was all my friends I had made and my groups of people I had become so entangled with. With going through these changes, I had some friends that were still absolute children at heart and some friends who were practically ready for college! I had loads of moments through those years where these friends I had grown up with would start to feel like strangers and I’d begin to not really feel as though I had a social place to call my own.

Work was a new outlet, and I actually used to love talking to people as a cashier, ringing up their items, and learning the social norm of small talk that would amount to nothing less than an afterthought. I made a lot of friends with people who were retired and with college kids who seemed to be the coolest bunch around, who knew how to live life and have fun doing it. It was such a variety of friends where I’d talk to Tina about her granddaughter or Jim about his retirement and stock options and then I’d go up to Isaiah and he’d tell me about all the dates he’d been on or all the party stories of him and his friends living life to the fullest. It was a pretty great time in my life though, because one thing especially it taught me was how to be social, though this process would still take years and years to fully develop until I was in my early 20’s to be fully confident in my ability to put it on and be charismatic if need be. The reason I mention so much about this job though, was there was still a deep  and unrecognized subconsciously aware desire in me to meet the one.

Home Depot of all places was the first time I saw her. In person. . .

I remember it was a day much like the rest of them. After having struck up some conversation with our customers and being a little groggy from waking up at the crack of dawn for the early shift, it was time for me to finally get some lunch. While taking my usually route from the front of the hardware store I stopped at my usual coworkers stations to say hi or make a passive joke as I strolled happily on my way.

I can’t exactly remember why, but I had the need to talk to one of my managers, and it was something I needed a response for by the end of the day, so I figured before I clocked out for lunch, I’d get that little task out of the way. But, on the way back to my manager’s office, which was this little 10 foot hallway with doors on either side, one leading to a bank of sorts, and the other side hosting two doorways to offices, I was stopped in my tracks. Right next to the old clock-in machine were two seats where you’d usually sit and wait if the manager’s doors were closed so you could catch them as they walked out. They were also the seats I had sat in when waiting to get an interview for this first job of mine, where I nervously and anxiously awaited the outcome so many years ago.

In one of those broken down, flat cushioned little seats was a girl so beautiful, I literally lost my breath at the sight of her. I knew immediately who she was. She was the girl from my dreams I had been having over the course of that past year or so. Recently through my dreams, I had learned a very crucial detail about her and that was that her name was Brianna, and there sitting right before me within a few steps walk was the girl.

I froze. I made eye contact. And I immediately turned around and walked away. How I wish beyond wishing I would’ve said hi now. . .

Seeing that my manager was currently in the process of onboarding her as a new employee, I decided to take up my little question with my manager a bit later and I went to lunch. While walking into our break room, I ran into one of my new co-workers who I had become pretty good friends with. His name was Brad Brad.

At this point in time, I had more of an idea and more of a recognition of the fact that these recurring dreams of mine were something special, though I hardly let anyone know because of how embarrassing and odd it was. I mean, who would go around blindly telling people about some chick that they’d been dreaming of that they were totally in love with?? (Definitely not me eight years late. . . ) But with Brad Brad, I trusted him and had told him about the story a few days prior to running into her.

Not knowing her name and only having seen her face, I walked up to my friend and asked him about the new possible employee. He immediately knew who I was referring to her as he had seen her just a bit ago and apparently gotten to know her slightly! I asked him if her name was Brianna, being almost definitively sure that that was her name, and just wanting to check to see if I was either certifiably insane, or possibly blessed with this odder than life knowledge.

Brad immediately confirmed her name was Brianna and asked if I had spoken with her, and this immediately had me out of breath, terrified of how the girl from my dreams was truly true and realer than life. I don’t remember exactly how the rest of the conversation went down, though I can safely assume I was blabbering like a lunatic and telling him every single detail of every single dream I had had of her before. I walked out to get lunch knowing that I’d finally become acquainted with Brianna over time in the work atmosphere which was a relief to me, knowing how social I was at work while in comparison to how introverted and quiet I was at school. Life was looking to good to be true.

Brianna, didn’t get the job.

A few days would go by and my excitement to go to work was through the roof. Never before had I had so eagerly gotten in my car, driven to work, and immediately clocked in in hopes of seeing this new girl around the work place. A week would go by and my thoughts of her were still as excited as ever, but I began to realize that there was still training, a full on hiring process, and that it would most likely take time for things to get in motion. A few weeks would go by and then a month and an unsettling worry began to haunt me as I started to wonder if she didn’t actually get the job.

I started going around asking all of my fellow co-workers if they knew her or if they had any ideas of if we were hiring anyone new. I became obsessed with what we called the, “war board,” which was a schedule of all cashiers’ schedules for the day, what departments they would work in and so forth so on. But, I never saw Brianna’s name pop up, and I began to realize that I might have missed my one and only chance of getting to talk to Brianna.

As time progressed I finally decided it was time to talk to Brad about this new girl since he had been the only one I had talked to about her, and this is when the strangest thing ever happened. Brad had absolutely no idea who I was talking about. He could tell I was obsessed with the idea though and he saw how persistent I was that I had had the conversation with him before, and he even sympathetically lied to me about knowing her just to appease my insanity by saying,

“Ohhhh yeahhhhhhhhh! I remember who you’re talking about!”

I was crushed that the only person who knew her didn’t remember her and at the time I’m unsure of why I didn’t ask my manager to see if they knew who I was talking about. Maybe it was embarrassment or the thought of not being able to see other potential employee’s information that scared me. Either way, I wish I had asked more and been more determined in finding information on what had happened to Brianna.

Months and months on end would go by and the fascination with work would disappear as I got older. I’d check the war board on a pretty consistent basis always hoping that by some miracle, Brianna would show up to work for the day! And even though we eventually would go on to hire an incredible Brianna that I’d become such dear friends with, she wasn’t the same one.

I remember how I used to day dream about Brianna walking into the store and how I would recognize her and how we’d instantly fall in love. Especially on those hot hot Summer days when I was stuck in the garden department with nothing but my thoughts and a dream. As life began to progress though, I realized I didn’t want to only dream about Brianna. . . but I wanted to find her! What good was all my wallowing around if I didn’t make any active attempts to find her!

Thus began, the searching for Brianna. What might just be an everlasting one. . .

I began to take a reality check on this recurring girl who haunted my every thought and when wondering on how I would find a girl from my literal dreams, I thought maybe the first best place to look would be there! Literally in my dreams. I took on an idea I had borrowed from the movie Inception where first thing in the morning, if you try to remember your dreams you’d have a better chance of seeing more details.

Doing more research into this line of thought, I read about dream journals and how some people keep entries of their nightly subconscious activities in order to become better at what’s called lucid dreaming, where basically, you have full and utter control of the dream and realize that you’re in it while still sleeping. My dream journal over time would start to slowly fill and fill with some pretty crazy stories and hilarious dreams. Actually, I wonder if I still have it. If I can find it, I’ll drought down one of my entries here for you to read. . . whoever “you” might be.

I won’t lie when I say I found it in about one minute. It was sitting on my desk right next to me. Oddly enough, my first journal entry is far further in this story than I thought as it was written on October 9th, 2022 (thank God I wrote down dates!) Here goes my first entry.

10-09-22 (#1)

My first dream, I remember being at Home Depot, working while pushing carts. I was very sick and delusional and the atmosphere was rainy and dark. All I could feel was gloom and sadness. There was no one to help me which added to the exhaustion. A customer managed to break 3 carts in half and I had to try and fix them, but I couldn’t. The feeling of wanting to go home was very strong.

10-09-22 (#2)

This time I was in a small class with two other men. It was our first day and our professor was already making us write books worth of homework. But, she soon assigned us Minecraft assignments and the rest of the class was devoted to playing Minecraft. A mixture of falling while playing the game repeatedly occurred and was frightening, yet exhilarating and fun.

Though my timeline of the dream journal and me beginning to write it might be skewed in this story I’ve been telling, as you can see from October 9th’s dreams of the year 2022, it was in fact something I started to do. There were quite a few pages from this journal missing and I can’t recall if they were pages of old homework from school and the notebook was one I self-recycled or not. But, I thought I had started writing these way earlier in my life. Maybe one day, I’ll write up all of these dreams into some sort of official funny document, but as of right now, they’ll all stay in that book. It might honestly be for the better!

Either way, it’s obviously apparent that I became obsessed with this idea of Brianna and I began to play my life events in my head over and over again, and this might have been harmful to me later on, but at the early stages of these occurrences, I was very much into reading. Being the introvert that I was in school, and having no access to a smart device, I used to read so so so many books all the time! My best friend in high school wasn’t any other student really but the faculty and staff, specifically our school librarian Mrs. Hogue.

Every time I’d walk into that library which was probably like twice a week, she’d see me and know it was time for me to become obsessed with a new story or spend the next however many months of my life engrossed in a series. I absolutely loved Mrs. Hogue and while she was very strict with all the other obnoxious kids, she loved me too. We used to talk about life and such and the day I graduated, she was one of the people I made sure of to talk to her and wish her a goodbye to.

Anyways, this obsession with writing and reading of mine was one that really flourished during high school due to these circumstances. It feels rather odd writing now when I haven’t gone about it aside from formal essays and school work since specifically 2018.

2018 was the year that I decided to run with a lot of these creative concepts my mind had created over Brianna and turn them into an actual book with full on character development, a family for Brianna, a place to live and friendships and occupations of all sorts! This is why I mentioned just earlier that this might’ve been more harmful to me, because, sometimes I can’t remember with Brianna what’s memories and what’s a figment of my imagination developed by a creative and passionate former younger writer of myself.

Either way, at this point in my life you could tell I was so devoted to the idea of Brianna being a real person, and this one specific idea plagued me like no other.

The idea was that Brianna was also dreaming of me and that we could only communicate through our collective dreams.

This idea for a young hopeless romantic was intensely alluring and from this idea became the now published and only book of mine, “The Fracture of Reality.” In this book, there’s two main characters named Ian and Brianna. Ian oddly enough matches almost identically all my physical and intellectual traits, some of the only differences being him having a place of his own, a pretty successful job and a bit more muscle, almost as though he were a version of myself I hope to one day be.

Brianna, well, she was and is the Brianna that I know.

The premise of this book was, well how should I put it? Better yet, I’ll just plug in the summary from the back of the book I wrote many years ago!

“Dreams and reality are relatively similar terms. Dreams describe and amplify events that occur in reality whereas reality can capture what little glimpses of the dreams remain. But, it never occurred to me that the two could blur together. Only when it was too late did I start to realize that reality was fracturing…”

Although this summary doesn’t really expound on what the book was about, only now do I find it so profound that I established this saying, this line of thought while I was still younger. I’ll write to you now that the basic premise of the story was a bit of a thriller! Ian begins to have these dreams where he meets and speaks to this mysterious tranquil and beautiful girl. He starts to fall in love with her as he slowly begins to realize that she is in fact real and having dreams of him also. But, with his dreams comes the slow beginning of his down fall where his dreams start to predict horrific events that will occur relatively soon. Along with the dreams comes the mental breaking down of his sanity with a deadly progression exponentially on it’s way to happen far too soon. Through the connecting of his dreams, he needs to find Brianna who he hopes when finding her, will stop the terrifying decline of his conscious nature.

In the end, and [insert spoiler warning here hehe], Ian finally meets up with Brianna only to have one of his dreams predict a horrible event of him and her being hunted by some men that Brianna had gotten in bad with during her youthfully naïve years. The story ends with Brianna and Ian in a cottage after Ian in real life has been shot. The story ends with Ian being unsure as to whether or not his dream reality is real life, or if his reality with the pain of the bullet in him is the truth. Brianna tells him that it doesn’t matter, and tries to convince him that the current peaceful reality that they’re currently in? That that moment and that present feeling is real, and that’s what really truly matters.

Look at me, doing a synopsis of my own books six years later! Writing this book and creating my dream journal and doing research was really the first phase of my obsession with Brianna. The older I’d get though, the more it’d become real to me. I’m unsure as to whether the past eight years of my life has made this idea so authentically real to me, but now I see this all as fact rather than speculation and a possible decline in my sanity that I used to be subconsciously aware of.

More years would progress in my life and would lead to the graduation of my high school and the starting up of college at my community college. There, I’d me one of my best friends which will most likely be my best friend for life KJ, but it was also a time of maturing and shying away from the ideas of Brianna as much. Rather than focusing on the idea of her, instead I got so busy with work at Home Depot, balancing friendships at community college, and still trying to socialize with my family that I hardly thought of her.

But, circumstances would change and even though I went a while without thinking about her, she was always there. When I began my first semester at Columbia State and accidentally sat next to this absolutely beautiful girl named, you guessed it, “Brianna,” I thought that she was her! Only to find out like literally two days into the semesters that she was married, whoops! But I still became friends with her and weird stuff like that would occur every so often, but at this point in time, life was changing so rapidly and my mind was always so distracted that Brianna began to fade.

I’d still have my occasional dreams and when those hit, it’d be more difficult than it used to be. The feeling of wanting to stay in those dreams was so strong and so hard to swallow when I woke up and realized it’d only been in my head.

With school starting though, my priorities changed a lot in life! My job was the least of my concerns at Home Depot and I’d more often than not skip all of my shifts as it always drained me of all my energy having to socialize with a bunch of people I didn’t care for or care about. All the small talk became irritating and whenever I was there, I guess I had come to associate that little hardware store with the idea of loss and gloom. I mean, if my dream journal didn’t speak enough for itself, I think it’s because I missed out on my one and only chance to actually talk to Brianna.

My new priorities were to make as many friends as possible and to turn this new page in life and that’s exactly what I did! I was incredibly social and went out of my way to introduce myself to total strangers just to try and escape the old Mike and pursue a new version of him.

It wouldn’t take long for Brianna to come back to me though.

Nobody that tells you how quickly life goes by can truly explain the depths of what that means and you sort of need to experience it yourself, and with the pandemic of Covid-19 happening around 2020, those two years at community school and the two years at MTSU would go by like a wisp of air. Like a breath, **** the time went by. Sure there was quite a bit of stuff that happened throughout that time, like me beginning to fall in love with creating content through YouTube about Minecraft, getting internships and freelance work for my degree as a Graphic Designer where I won competitions and published my art in many places and had the opportunities to be in a crazy high end internship.

But the amount of time, was just literally gone. I was too busy. Brianna became an afterthought.

That is, until fairly recently. To drop some dates for you, I created my first official youtube channel on September 18th, 2019 and published my first video four years ago a day after I made the channel. At first, my channel of Minecraft specific content was created both to prove to my brothers that I could create content as incredible as the youtubers we watched, but it was also just in hopes of turning it into an actual career since it was something I genuinely was okay at. Having had architecture for for years in high school Minecraft felt like a more creative and liberating way to express those abilities and live them out in an actual environment I had created. But also, Minecraft was an excuse for me to turn off my mind.

Covid and the pandemic was sort of the greatest thing to ever happen to me, because it gave me so much time to think and play this wonderful game. I know I mentioned above how I didn’t think about Brianna that much, and that part is true, but when I had those dry moments of playing Minecraft and grinding out some simple tasks of literally just breaking and placing blocks, my mind would wander to her. I used to choose the most essentially mind numbing tasks of mining for hours upon hours which only consisted of holding down a button and occasionally moving your character around to mine some more. But though the task was completely and utterly boring, my mind was active as ever thinking and wondering about Brianna.

Finding these quiet moments in life were far and few between, but I began to cherish them. All the moments from day dreaming while mowing the lawn and sweating to death in the 100 degree sun, to sitting in my car after a long first four hours at Home Depot while staring at a semi-vacant parking lot, to even just the long walks across my enormous campus at MTSU or the long walk from parking spots I chose purposefully to be super far away from my campus at Columbia State. These moments while rare, gave me a chance to keep Brianna at least in the back light of all the real life moments I was constantly distracted and thrown around with.

But, going back to Minecraft when I got into youtube, this changed everything.

I went from having at least some spare moments to having literally no moments at all. The only time I would rest was when I had experienced such bad burn out from trying to do everything everywhere all at once, and between that and the occasional sleep I would get, my mind had no time to think. I still can easily get into that workaholic mind set sometimes and it’s a dangerous one to be in, but I’ve gotten better as I’ve figured out why I believe I fell into that mindset in the first place.

The reason was to escape Brianna’s grasp.

As I went through school hanging out with friends and making new one’s internationally through the development of an ever expanding youtube channel, I had just about no time for anything. The only time I had to stop and think was my 10 minute drive to get food and even in those moments, I had no time to think, because I was too busy driving trying not to get killed by crazy drivers.

Three years of school went by before I finally said that enough was enough. With school being as difficult as it was, I decided to “retire” from my newfound love of youtube because in all honesty, it was driving me mad. My retirement video from Minecraft came out on December 5th, 2022. I stepped away from the never ending grind and set out to enjoy life and the little moments that life offered.

The only problem with this was that my mind began to ponder Brianna once again.

At this time in my life, after retiring I was actually working for a famous youtuber named PrestonPlayz. It was a random freelance job and for the past year or so I had been jumping from freelance to freelance work with little regards to cost and payments real life had always waiting around the corner for me.

This would make me end up ultimately getting a job back at Home Depot for a few months to pay off debts I had incurred from being financially stupid and buying stuff I didn’t really need. But, between all the financial problems and weird life situations I had so much more time to think about Brianna. The dreams of her still occurred every so often but the frequency at which they had started to occur was less and less. Maybe this was all due to me reaching a new level of maturity, but I’m still not entirely sure what caused it. Maybe it was the distraction of a busy workaholic life or the hopes to find someone, really anyone that was a girl that would love me that I could love back.

But, like I said my mind began to think about her more and more. I began to see her in my thoughts like I had years ago previously and it almost felt like I was back sliding into some weird territory I had just grown oblivious to with the amount of time that had passed. Either way, that was my life. A jumbled mess of thoughts and ideas all scattered in a brain far too busy to stop and breathe coming to the new age of silence and habit.

With my mind able to breathe, I thought of her again. . . and then I saw her again. . .

I can’t remember the exact day or time of year, but on one of these days of my “retirement” I was driving home after having just gotten some taco bell. (I was obsessed with the place back then) Driving up my street, I saw a girl with long dark curly hair and bright pink clothes, what might have even been pajama pants on her, walking up my street! I didn’t think much of it until I looked into my sider mirror and saw her face and saw that it was the one and only, Brianna.

Brianna was walking up my street right next to my house. In person. Alive and breathing.

I panicked and jumped out of my car with my taco bell nearly crashing to the ground as I roared into park in my driveway with my car. With bare feet, since I used to drive with no shoes when I went to fast food place, I dove onto an aggregate driveway and started running down it, knowing that there was no way on earth I was missing my chance to finally talk to her. I had nothing but time that day, and I was overly excited to finally introduce myself in person

But when I turned around, Brianna was gone. She’d simply vanished into thin air? I still don’t know how or why, but she was gone. . . possibly gone forever. . .

This experience drove my efforts to find her to another level of passion as I began to research through many google forums and sites and social media platforms praying to God that I’d be able to find her. It didn’t matter if I had to cross the entire ocean to get to her, I was going to find Brianna, no matter what.

I started to revisit old ground and went to the Home Depot I had worked at, asking the new manager there if he could search records and being able to find her that way. I found old coworkers I used to work with and asked around trying to find any trail or any lead and couldn’t find a single thing. I even managed to find Brad Brad’s Instagram and messaged him only for him to have literally no idea what I was talking about, go figure.

With nothing working and having literally no idea on what else I could do, I began to passionately work on a project called, “The Bri of My Dreams.” What this basically was was an ARG or alternate reality game which was a puzzle game I setup for my prior youtube community to solve and have fun with. But, it was more than that. It was the telling of the story of Brianna in a way that I could hopefully publicize and gain some popularity on so that maybe instead of me finding Brianna, she’d be able to rather find me! So, I started working on it behind the scenes unbeknownst to anyone in my community that I was going to use this new found passion project to hopefully find her, but also to bring me back to youtube content creation.

To this day, I’m still not sure why I wanted to go back to youtube. Well I know some underlying reasons, that being tied loosely to Brianna, but now many months later still being at it, I’m unsure as to the real reason why I still create stuff on there.

Either way, after creating an entire animated short film with a script and what I consider to be one of my greatest projects of all time, “The Bri of My Dreams” project was finalized and ready to publish. I put it out there hoping that it was only a matter of time before I finally heard from her.

Hardly anyone noticed I’d returned to youtube, let alone my project failing horribly as only close friends I knew even attempted the puzzles.

My final efforts produced literally no results, and well, this brings me to about right now, this moment that I’m actually writing this all down on May 1st 2024 at 4:21 p.m CDT. For the past few hours I’ve written down all of this while listening to The Caretaker album on youtube, a depressing soundtrack meant to represent the stages of alzheimer's.

This morning while sitting around doing nothing really, I looked up Brianna one last time, despite me telling myself I would be done with her after my ARG project. I found a girl, about the same age as me that matched the name and the description. Her father’s name was funnily enough the same as my own, Michael.

What I found about her and her father were obituary statements.

I’m unsure if it’s okay or morally right to even think that might’ve been her, but something I noticed when doing research about Brianna in my earlier days. . . For some odd reason there’s a lot of young beautiful Briannas who unfortunately die in their early 20’s. It’s an odd and horrifying fact I’ve come to know over the past few years through my odder than odd research.

But, this case I found today? Well the exact date this Brianna died on correlated almost exactly when my dreams stopped of her.

I don’t dream of Brianna anymore. I haven’t for years. . .

I think the reason I’m writing this, is my own way of finally saying goodbye. Wherever she is, I hope she’s okay. I hope she’s well. But as for me, life continues to go on and it’s finally time after these past eight years to finally say. . .

Goodbye Brianna. I’ll miss you. . .
Big Virge Jun 2021
Now When It Comes To Keeping...
My Brain Waves MOVING...

I Choose To DO IT...
Rather Than Refuse It... !!!

Because I’m NOT STUPID...
Or One Who Is Foolish... !!!

Now I DO Make Mistakes...
And Have Made Some BAD Choices...

But When It Comes To My Brain...
And... How I EMPLOY It...

It’s Used EVERY DAY...
In... Pro-Active Ways... !!!

From When I Was Young...
My Father Was One...
Who Demanded That I...
Applied Use of My Mind...
To Read And To Write...
As Well As... Vocalise...

My Thoughts Once Considered...
Through Usage of Thinking...

So My Brain Was Engaged...
From A Very Young Age... !!!!!

My Father Would Make...
Me Read Stories Relayed...
From A Sunday News Page...
When I Was Merely Teenaged...

And Write My OWN Version...
of What They Were Serving... !!!

And I Mean The BROAD Sheets...
Whose Writers Critiqued...
Government Policies...
And Real Life Stories...

And This He Would Do...
So That He Could Then View...
How I Used My Brain Tool...

So I Had... SUNDAY School...
When My Peers Played The Fool... !!!

Now Back Then I Was FORCED... !!!
Due To Falling Well Short...
of What Most People Thought...
Would of Been A Cake Walk...
For Me To FLY Through...
In Exams That I Took... !!!

But Still I Read Books...
And Broadened My View...
Whilst I Let My Brain Stew...

And That’s Why I Choose...
To STILL Put It To Use...
Like My Dad Made Me Do... !!!

By... Writing Reviews...
That Now Rhyme And Flow Too... !!!

Cos’ My Brain Tool Stays Cool...
And Is Smooth When It Grooves...
To... Speak On Issues...

Because I Keep It SHARP...
And SOUND Like A HARP...
Playing In A Courtyard... !!!

... Acoustically PERFECT...
To Feed Those Observing...
With High Forms of Learning... !!!

BYPASSING Internships...
Professors Named Sherman...
And Buddies Who Trump...
My Brains Wish To Love... !!!

Through Rhymes I Now Drop...
That Show That My Brain’s HOT...
With Thinking That Rocks...

Just Like CLASSIC Hip Hop... !!!

My Father’s The One...
Who Forced Me To Choose It...

ELEVATED Brain Usage...
Instead of Refuse It...
And Think Like I’m Dumb...

Because....

Look What THAT’s Done...
To How This World Now Runs... !?!

It’s Causing PROBLEMS...
That Means Vaccinations...
Are Now What Is Needed...
To PROTECT... Humans... ?!?

PROTECT Us From WHAT... ?

Mutated Diseases...
Bred By This Virus... !?!

Well Folks I Don’t Know...
If Brain Usage Has Flowed...
To Put Humans In Holes...
As Well As Body Bags... !?!

And Inside of Our Homes...
So That Testing Can Grow...
And They Can... Trace And Track... !!!

Are You Folks Now At Home...
NOT At Least Thinking WHOA...
Things Are OUT of CONTROL... ?!?

And That You’ve WASTED Votes...
On Leaders... Who Are JOKES... !!!!!!!

Who Campaign And CAMPAIGN...

In Ways Built To Make...
People Now Use Their Brains...
In... RIDICULOUS Ways... !?!

WHY Believe What THEY Say... ?!?

When They Just Make False Claims...
That Create Stress And Pain... ?!?

Isn’t That How They Sway...
And Treat People Today... ?!?

From Subjects of Race...
To Rapes And Displays...
of... Violence Today... !!!!!

To... Election Campaigns...
And Conspiracy Claims...
Linked To This Viral Strain...

To Bending What’s Straight...
To Make People Act STRANGE... !?!

These Are The Functions...
of Those Who TWIST Brains...
For Them To Make Gains...
That Make Millions Suffer... !!!

THEY Keep Making BLUNDERS... !!!
While Folks Make Me Wonder...

Due To How They Behave...
If... INSANITY Reigns...
Inside of Their Brains...
In Ways That Are Lame... ?!?

Due To Things That They Say...
About Problems We Face...

That They Seem To Think... ?!?

Will Simply... GO AWAY............

So Things Will Be Okay... !?!
And We'll Be Back To Drinks...
... Uniting And Smiling... !?!

Now Optimism Is Great... !!!

But I Have To Relate...
That Turning Blind Eyes...
In These Times ISN’T WISE... !!!  

Lives Are Being Downsized...
Due To Tech And Health Vibes...
That Are Causing Down Sides...
As Well As... SUICIDES... !!!

Due To People RESIGNED...
To Now LOSING Their Minds...

Which Is Why I Now Write...
My Views In These Rhymes...

We WON'T See Things The SAME...
But These Words I WILL Say... !!!

When It Comes To The Way...
That We Engage Our Brains...
To Deal With Viral Strains...
And Conspiracy Claims...

We Should NOT Refrain...
From Letting Brain Juices...
Run Smoothly And Fluid...

Because It’s... UNWISE...
When It Comes To Brain Usage...

To NOT......

... “ Choose To Use It “...
When it comes to using our brains, it really isn't a wise thing to neglect, or to refuse to do.

— The End —