I can’t get my brain
To shut the hell up.

I don’t want to talk right now. please leave me alone. it isn’t you i
  promise, it’s me and
N othing can stop me from thinking that it’s my fault and
  everything is my fault. why are things this way and why did i
  lose you and my friends? i can’t help but think and
F eel depressed because i love you. i don’t want to lose you but i
  have and i’m not happy, i’m almost never happy anymore. or
  maybe i never was. emotions exhaust me but they’re all i know. i
  don’t usually get angry but when i do i go off and
J ust shut up! you’re wrong, i’m right. why can’t you see that? i
  need structure, it’s how i function and you are so incredibly
  unpredictable which excites me, even if no one knows, because
  that’s risky and i like new adventures but i need stability which
  my life, my existence, can’t provide

because i’m too complicated to make sense,
My life is contradictory

A lone observer I am
But in my mind
In my head
There are more colors than can ever be counted
And I paint pictures of you

before your hands had ever grazed
the tops of my thighs and before your
lips had touched my own, you
knew me. your eyes
penetrated through my soul the
moment we met; in that first
glance, I knew that you had
seen me before. without speaking a
word, you understood
everything that I have ever been and
will ever be. thousands of years and
thousands of lifetimes have
passed between us; we are a
love story carved into
the Earth, repeating itself until
nothing is left and where we
existed is pure black amongst the
cosmos. but even when all is
gone, your whispers will still
echo; they will still reach
me. whatever and wherever we are, you
and I will be called back to
each other, once again.

I see you.
Hiding behind your flesh
Raw and red and utterly human
Hidden
Afraid
I am hidden too.
Looking through glass windows
Reaching out to touch cold panes
And never reaching past them
Because to do so I would have to break them
Reveal so much
Reveal pain
Or maybe beauty
But who can say?
Mixed together in my conflicting, confusing mind
Pain and beauty and lover and passion and anger
In soundproof walls
Would it be too much?
Silence broken, revealing the truth
My truth
I see your truth, partially
But what does it feel like?
Mine is fast and unrelenting. Warm and cold.
Loving,
But lonely.
Will anyone ever know the worlds I create?
The lives
The hearts
The stories
And will I ever know yours?
Because I am stuck inside cold Windows
And though I love it,
I love the sun too.

I'm curious...

How did my ExxP parents
Give birth to two IxxJ children?

How did my 'ideal match' parents
Get such a ****** up marriage?

How does my T father
Really feel about and think of his F son?

How much does my ISFJ brother
Hate his INFJ sister for stunting his F growth,
Because our ESTP father, my shadow type, has annihilated mine?

How am I supposed to be able to predict
My ENFP mother's flip-flopping parenting,
Even if we're both NFs?

INFJ - T

I grow exhausted at the exuberance of crowds.
Not able to ignore that nagging voice that whispers the evils of them
Feelings of fear overpower the simple formula of conversation
Jutting into remind me of my appearance compared to theirs -
Too weak to fight against it.

It’s not easy to speak my mind.
Never daring to even introduce myself
Following a very strict line
Just taking each day step by step -
Thinking someday I’ll be able to explain.

Inside, I judge everything.
New situations make the feelings shake
Fear and turbulence expand within
Jaw clenched and sweaty palms -
Thin skin begins to bruise.

Introverted and intuitive
Nervous, yet calm
From day to day
Just a puppet -
To a never-ending nightmare

hello my name is dyed red hair

hello my name is infj

hello my name is having a love hate relationship with different music genres

hello my name is crying during sad or happy movies

hello my name is an avid just dance player

hello my name is wearing black all the time

hello my name is liking the color blue best

hello my name is b math

hello my name is canadian

hello my name is sometimes not so happy with my weight

hello my name is a writer

hello my name is being afraid of being left alone

hello my name is captain of the volleyball team

hello my name is a christian

hello my name is q

hello my name is fashion lover

hello my name is making bad decisions

hello my name is loving to travel a lot

it was not a slamming
but a steady slow
easing closed
the door

quick catch of breath -
not as much as
a deeply drunk
savored gasp

like after a race
hands on thighs bent
******* in air
too quick

until remembered
to take is slow
and pull in that first deep
balmy breath

to take it slow speaks
of patience and of time
less filled with doubt
or regret

take comfort then
I took my time to measure out
feel the weight in my hand
of waiting

of giving you time to
slow down turn around
and see that the door
was closing

I waited there threshold shrinking
pleading silent looks for you
to stop before it shut
and died

but eyes are not accustomed
to look for or perceive
the colors of pain painted
in another

or to catch the dying glimmer
through the cracks of a heart breaking
as it eases closed
the door

But where is the place for the people like us?
The artists, the cutters, the solemn observers.
Every INFJ. Every poisoned mind. Every social awkward with so much depth they just might sink.
The ones who have found their soul but are searching for their mind.
The ones who find their mind by losing their marbles.
The misrepresented and misunderstood.
The hurt and the happy.
With a requirement of so much patience and love that no one is willing or able to give.
The ones who make adjustments.
Who hit rock bottom and manage to get back up on their own.
The ones who fall too fast for something out of reach. They end up quietly crashing and burning.
The ones who are living under layers of paint; on their hearts and in their homes. Whose sweetness and innocence are buried somewhere underneath the paint, barely recognizable.
The ones who were born with a fifty year old soul.
Who have a biologically memorized speech that no one will hear; that no one can hear.

I ask you, where will they go, the people like us?

we wander
wondering why
we wander

The STORM comes in fast. But doesn’t last.
My heartaches my soul shakes as time without my soulmate grows.
I toss and turn and always yearn for that smiling glow.
The tears come hard and so does the pain even standing in the rain can’t wash away all the pain.
INTP Loves INFJ forever untwined in the mathematical universe until the end of time.
That’s my STORM

INFJ,
I guess...I'm okay!
It's nobody's fault,
It's how I am made,
1%
Who could have guessed?
I'm not an alien,
I'm no threat,
I'm "just special",
The test was cheap,
To tell me...I'm rare,
Not a creep

BLCostello 2024