my teeth grind together and i gasp for air,
this air is not the one i'm used to,
it knocks on my skull and no one thinks to ask
am i down?
i taste the air and it doesn't remind me of home
but really i have no clue where i belong

There’s a golden glow that seeps into my house as the sun is setting, but it reveals all the grime that was muddled in on the floor. I try to clean, sweep and mop, to make the hardwood floors reflect the beaming light better, but now the rooms too bright and my eyes are having a hard time adjusting. I push myself into a shadow so I don’t have to deal with the discomfort of adjusting right away, but by the time the light is tolerable, the sky is already dark.

As I close my eyes, I go on a ride
I see the world, and I see things on other planets
Movies and movie stars that are yet to be alive
But then I realize I have not lived
And I opened my eyes,
To see my bedroom walls
Soon I realize all the people I know right now
Talking to them, thinking it matters right now
That I’m 16 years old and laughing at all the jokes
Taking into consideration of their feelings,
Praying their happiness is over the limit
Saving another life, keeping their hearts in a bag
And how I know that I will someday be 80 years old and alone
So I thought to myself “Why not end it now?”

When it's quiet in a room full of people
The room can bring on complete silence
I feel as if minds are synchronized
Only for that second,
and then the path leads to the winding streets
of their imagination
and my eyes wander as I wonder
what could they be thinking of
that's so important so silence fills the room?
Maybe they're sad about a loss
because losing a special part happens so much
or filled with joy from the joke that was told
and then reminded of something great,
in which their sniffle of laughter broke the silence
Probably a whole world made up in their head
where there are no limitations and it's pure magic
Hopefully happiness
Sided with the reasons why it's good to be alive
Maybe even wondering what everyone else is thinking about
In such a silent room

I don’t know if I love you or not,
Not even sure if I actually really like you.
What kind of difference have you brought?
The first time I saw you,
I was hatless and you had a hat.
But I skipped right over that moment
And never thought twice about you,
It took months, in fact, for me to completely notice you.
But now I’m here,

I don’t know if I like you or not,
But I’m almost sure I love you,
But as a friend.
Sometimes I think more than a friend,
But I just wanna kick it with you for a little while.
In not a friend way.

I don’t know if you like me or not,
But I just wanna hang out
For a very long time,
If that’s okay?

We are bigger than ourselves,
Bigger than this town.
I couldn't find a single business sign
that was completely lit up.
But theres blue lights all around, constantly.
The kids go to college in hopes of someday leaving,
some kids grow their roots right where they are.

I am so much bigger than my bones,
and I'm trying to burn my roots,
so if you see me go up in flames,
just know that i will be okay

Sometimes a good thing has to be let go,
I'm afraid if I do, I'll fall below
It's hard to believe better things are gonna show
After living through hell & way down low

Heavy eyes, white knuckles
Passing scents, leaving behind vanilla and honey suckle
I'm not where I'm supposed to end up
So if I fall while I'll climbing, maybe it's all in good luck

Better things to come, better me
Now I have to try to leave.

my hometown is haunted
there’s memories down every back road,
and some spirits are stuck on who they were
they roam the old dirt roads,
Thinking things have never changed.
There’s confederate soldiers still roaming my neighborhood,
The ghosts of slaves still singing their songs
Which are carried into the ears of their descendants,
it’s a reminder of rights that haven’t been granted.

There’s still hills from the crops that have been planted years and years ago.
There’s still people that hold the same belief as their white grandparents did.
There’s still hills and mountains to climb before everyone realized we’re all the same height.

My hometown is plagued with hatred,
But you have to listen closely,
It’s in the voices of rich southern belles,
Down to the soul of the tobacco spitting **** heads.
It’s cooked into green bean casseroles and fed to their children
Through backhanded compliments plastered in a facade.

Late at night, listen to the sounds in my hometown and
You’ll hear history.
Listen to the abandoned train,
And the slaves that worked through the heavy rain
if you close your eyes, you’ll see the sweat and tears,
Where you can’t tell which is which.
Listen to the broken souls,
And how far it carried into their own.
And you’ll realize this war was never over
For anyone begging for a difference

i find it terrifying how i see myself losing my mind
each night mare i see a drastic change
i find it ironic how i used to be afraid of those who lost their minds
but now i'm only afraid of myself
have i lost my mind?

I forgot how it felt to feel alive
And now I feel absolutely nothing

the days neglect to tell me how
I already know they won't wait for me
It's sad to think that for so many people,
happiness is not calling their name,
with the most alluring voice.
you thought about crawling on spikes
to distract yourself from the second sober fate
because you don't know how to cope,

as the sun shine glistens through your window,
you control your greed with paid freedom
as you read about happiness,
you're screaming you want to be free

there's a world outside that hardly waits anymore
we have to keep going, no matter how messy it is
well, you've been looking for a cure,
and I'm confident to say
if you suffer cheap sadness,
you will love the consequences

you are not a wreck to be proof

you are a person, uncomparable to objects

you are not to be fixed

and you are fine the way you are,
please realize this

sixteen years old, going out with friends for her birthday
It was only to be fun and they lost control of the wheel,
Now everything is so different from the way it used to be
.
.
You're not going to be forgotten,
because you made every single person feel special.

my eyes are sore.
each night i meet the sun
and add up the hours
i add up the hours from
work, work, college
i calculate
how long i slept,
and there's never enough time
in the daytime
to do what i need to do,
but i cannot be tired.
i have such a long way to walk

I don't remember when it first started,
All I know it is was a pressing weight that
Fell through my lungs
Puncture some veins and killed some nerves
I heard the questions I hope we all hear
(I don't want to be the only one and all alone),
They never stopped throughout all the years.

I only figured them out enough
To make them be quiet.
And I got so violent when they were louder than me.
So I was quiet.
I'll explain this to you,
I've made peace with these nagging questions.
The professionals call this a serious case,
But I'm fine, honest.
I'll find the answers.

She scatters in the mirrors that surround her. lights shine technicolor prisms on her skin that every single person tears a part differently. her candy apple colored lips wrap her teeth in joy, but he bares the vision of a monster with blood dripping from her mouth preying on her next victim. her voice is wrapped in cashmere as she sings only love to the ones she loves. he hears the voice of a siren, only leading everyone around her to the unassuming fate of a shipwreck. And her hands are filled with carnations of white, reds, and pinks. But he believes to see her true colors, behind the petals where he thinks he sees yellow and purple hues wrapped in her claws.

sometimes in my omnipotent self, i will break and bruise the sky. colors start to pour out and i am happy, but this isn't me. i am out of control. i play in the sky without fear of consequence and steal the sun of its light. in these moments, i am flying and my insides are burning. i make a wish for this to never end. i am flying until i crash and become human again. humans are messy and i feel nothing but lost amongst the crowd. i search for myself in clouds of smoke and burning liquid and the reflection of his eyes. his troubled past and bad intentions makes me feel like maybe he can understand who i am and who i thought i was and the blurred line between the two, but we're leveling on different emotional states, and all i can be is an added number. time goes on and i become apart of the ****** up people that's been in his life. i forgot again. i forgot when I'm like this I only amount to a storm. and they keep telling me how violent my presence can be. so i close my eyes in prayer that i will open them to the sun i dread to see. sometimes i do, and we start all over again.

I drop people like the bottles I used to throw in roads
The red lights last hours, and the green lights last seconds
Each day adds another number.
Feels like I'm wasting my days away driving through the streets
And they talk to me but I can't tell you about that.
I cant seem to stop thinking
There's homeless people out there with a job,
And what's wrong with the economy?
Minimum wage workers that finished college.

I told you, your super heroes don't always have to be involved with the dramatics of life and death
Sometimes
It's the small things.
Did you ever figure that out?
I hope you found the beauty where you used to see none.

Stop saying it does not matter,
for you are the epitome of who I want to be
Maybe if you took in a breath more
You'd grow out of this darkness

Say it does not matter,
I don't want to be around you right now
Make yourself choke on all the words you spoke
You could learn how to stop being so immature

Attempts for apologies
Leave us no room for where we wanna be
I just want to be apart of these midnight fights
and the late night laughter

I want to be apart
of being gone

how many times can i fall in love with the idea
of a person
how many times will someone fall in love with
the idea of
me

I want to shed the weight off
thinner thighs, hips, legs, arms
I'm not fat, just out of shape
and I wear the extra skin,
watch the fabric of my clothes stretch
disgustingly over my body
I eat healthy now, and I run and run
and exercise every day, something different
I want to be fit when I meet my heroes
in 3 weeks
I've been drinking green drinks
I've been drinking orange red drinks
made by my hand held blender
The app on my phone says,
If I keep eating like I do,
I'll weight 113 pounds in 5 weeks
but it's not enough
and I push myself until
I want to collapse
it's still not enough
because I'm 5'3 (and a half)
and most girls my height are more dainty than me
but I don't want to go three days without eating
four days without sleeping because I worry about my weight
binge eating and giving up my food
because I won't be that person again
it never worked
I just wish I was not made out of numbers

I feel good, I feel like if I could find you, we could kiss all night
I think you'd like that version of me,
I think you'd love me with no clothes
I want to reveal who I never was to you,
I want to make you blush, get you drunk on not just alcohol
And we could kiss all night
I won't dare
Feel
A
Thing
Because I won't fall apart, oh no no no

im trying to breathe slow while living fast
I'm taking it all in,
And I'm not angry anymore

i think of passed days, and
i smell smoke and vanilla
perfume, bought second handed
i think of last summer, and
i smell what loneliness would smell like
if i try hard enough i know the smell of
over used air conditioners
and it hits me in the stomach, and i know
what the feeling of staying up all night feels like
sober and innocent in the spring time
but that was so long ago,
and i don't want to live
not here any more
i like to think of the days because the hurricanes.

even during the difficult times,
please keep love in your heart.
breeding hate is what they're trying to do.

I'll kiss your pillowcases to stain them
Cover them in orange lipstick
For you to remember my lips
and when you wash them,
if you manage to gracefully clean them
I'll let you forget me
and I'll forget you

you are the animal who is afraid, hiding away from the others
you are the individual, who didn't know right from wrong
you are the girl with a ***** shirt, ducking her head down in the hallway
you are the boy obsessed with punk music and art, knowing your future is useless
as we settle, the universe shakes, our importance that draws us closer to the sun
including the whispers that no one thought we could hear
the outcasts no one wants,
are the one's who are going to show you where you belong
if you point long enough, you will know

my name is depression,
Because these lows seem to define
my entire mental illness.
my name is depression when I’m lost,
Blacking out from the heavy weight of my mind
My name is depression
When my manager notices I’m not motivated,
And suddenly my career is on the line.
my name is depression
when I’m in the middle of an episode
And can’t be bothered to do classwork
And suddenly I’m threatened with being kicked out of college.
And I’m defined by all of this, purposeless.
My goal is rise above the chemicals in my brain,
Without therapy or medicine.
Because I’ve always taken pride in being independent.
But it’s time for me to ask for help.

.
did you trick yourself into an illusion,
that popping pills and getting high
Is a sure fire way to make memories?
You're not euphoric anymore when you take them,
You're not any thing anymore all the time
and you honestly can't remember a thing.
You're strung out and you talk too much.
The bags under your eyes are a gracious touch

You're bragging about feeling amazing but
When was the last time
You felt alive?

Feels like my heart beating out of my chest
Thoughts of I’m going insane and dying.
Fears from reality
And not being able to breathe correctly

My head is full and racing and blank all at once
I really don’t know how to combat this.
I don’t know where to go to feel safe.
I don’t know what to do but wrap myself in a blanket
And be terrified that something is wrong
There’s something really wrong this time
There’s something really really wrong.
I can’t breathe and my chest hurts
My stomachs in knots and it feels like I’m going to pass out
Or die.
Where can I go? I don’t feel safe.
am I losing my mind? Am I losing the fabrics of reality?
Somethings really really wrong.
And I don’t know what to do.

condensation on my window
Talks to me. On a 12 hour drive.
It tells me to just. Let. Go.
I forget how I used to survive

happiness is buried beneath the dirt
but please stop. I'm already tired
From digging 20 yards into the earth.
Know I'm a mess, and know I tried.

You see. Each time I wash my hands,
each time I try to start new.
It's a revenge, gifted from the lands.
i began with my intentions true.

some nights i lose meaning to my heart beat.
like the days they remember I'm too insane
and over my effort they pave layers of concrete
i reset my goals. And I let go. And obtain.

I build a mountain.
And I reach up high.
I feel the spark inside my brain.
And happiness can't lie?

Can it?
I feel eyes again. As I fall.
Here we are again. I reset.

Ohmygod
I'm sick of this
You know what I mean?
People who are purposely cookie cutter &
Afraid. If you step out the lines, someone
May not approve. I'm gonna say this again in
Different form.
If you're in this for approval, you may be diagnosed with: someone else's life
Side effects include: not living for yourself, depending on others, and being too scared to grow.
They say "youlaughcausesomethingilaugh because you're all the samestayweirdbedifferent"
And ohmygod I've heard it all before and it doesn't end

They tell each other to be different all in the same voice
DoyouknowwhatImean
Oh no I'm not searching for approval
But I don't mind respect, but
I won't beg for your time

when I first met you, i hated your voice
i forced myself to love it like i didnt have a choice
i spent all night with you, i dared you to make a move
you did, but it was never enough.

I just need to fall asleep
At this point it doesn't seem possible
I'm lost in my thoughts, you see?
In the morning I'll focus on this filthiness
it all seems so unsorted

Thinking holds and keeps
stops me from being at least plausible
my eyes bother me
and their unwillingness
to stop my thoughts from being contorted

True beauty does not have to communicated by human lips,
but shines through the eyes of a loved animal
that trusts you enough to curl up in your lap
and doesn't flinch at the hand that comforts them
the animal that will make sure you're okay
and will be there for you when it feels like
every thing is falling apart,
things are best when something so full of love
wants you to feel better again

my best friends
subtweet me
it's time to find
New best friends

The only progression that's been catapulted is hate
My eyes are as tired but my soul can't rest,
More than half of my country is represented by someone with beliefs from times more repressed
This is not what I want to be represented by.

My stomach is twisted and I need explanations.
This isn't love. This is fear. This solves nothing.
The air around me is too thick to breathe,
And I'm disgusted by this celebration around me.
You stand for someone who openly promotes violence.

This is not what I stand for.

What kind of person would I be?
If I could describe the way the relapse feels,
Going back to my old self,
People look at me again.
What else will I do,
To please everyone.
These headaches make me who I am,
Incoherent mind that others can see
My thoughts float around, and my voice is so weak.
Just another scar, just another pill, and little more smoke.
Makes the ones around me so much more happier.

I believe having a relapse with a blade across your skin,
No matter how bad it is, there's scars to remind you
Remind you of the events that caused that scar
Remind you of how you felt
The scars keep you from feeling okay
I want you to know this, next time you think about it
Think of the way you'll feel when it's over with,
your skin will be ruined, and you won't feel anymore beautiful

I woke up this morning, and everyone was gone by noon
But the conversations that fell over and over spoke to me in more ways than one
After playing War Craft, progressing to a drinking game version of monopoly,
and a stupid card game, never settling on any thing,
Across The Universe settled us down for two minutes, but the conversation never ran low
Now I have videos on my camera I'd rather dispose of but the memories make it worth it
And some day, I hope I can remember nights like these,
The one's where I could stare at the ceiling and see constellations
Even when there are only fake stars
I hope walking across a busy town at night
Just to go to one place, stays in my memory
Some day it may be only a story,
but the stories may never stop

I don't want you to be like the rest
And I'm so scared.
i keep telling myself you, if I fall, you'll fall too
I keep telling myself that you won't be the one loving me when I feel nothing in return.
I keep saying it's gonna be alright
You're not using me while you're fiancée is too far away
Please don't act like you care.
I tell myself you won't cut me off and not speak to me ever again
Please don't be like the rest.

You should hear my thoughts right now
It's moving faster than I can think
Do you ever realize how replaceable you are?
You'll die for your friends
And they'll be happy to live without you.
Minimum hours of sleep
And the walls begin to fall.
The small sounds are terrifying me and I'm scaring myself.
I wonder if they can hear me talk

-This is happiness-
There's a spot for me at the end of the hall
(Last door to the right)
They keep the party running and it never ends
The faster I walk, the quicker it fades

-this is happiness, keep your concerns-
Busy hands and blistering feet
No time to think,
Gotta stay quick
Gotta lose sleep.

-everything's calloused-
Lips stopped bleeding long ago
My teeth commanded an end to chattering
And now there's dry blood under my fingernails

-it seems so brutal, but this is happiness-
Where is the time going?
How to speak, how to think, how to find the time?
How do you pack a car to stay away 500 miles?
How do you leave what you've known?

-with a future-
There's a hallway with a room waiting just for me.
They have a show that doesn't stop,
they welcome fuzzy brains
Their words play over and over across my eyes
"You could be the life of the party and the star of our show"

Always will you be there for me, holding my hand
The tightest of sincere embraces until the stars all burst and die
Do you know how our faith circles us like vultures?
Waiting till we’re weak to attack?
I feed off the foolishness of the fate that’s handed to us,
And I walk the other direction.
Not always was faith right, and not about us either.
We didn’t meet to fix each other.
We didn’t meet to make each other happy.
We didn’t meet to teach each other patience,
But we met to live and let go.
That’s always been the easiest part of life.
So you see, you said you’d always be there for me,
But you’re letting the vultures peck your flesh away,
Becoming who you’re supposed to be, I see you giving up.
Well let me share a secret,
I refuse to let you go.
Simply because the moonlight beckons us to fly away
**** the vultures, so we can be forever
Set our own path for the rest of our lives.
I refuse to let this so called ‘faith’ push us far apart.
Can we start a riot?
Can we hear the music louder than ever?
Listen to the silence become the opposite of a night we welcomed,
My fire won’t burn out, because I am who I am
Life’s just a silly game, isn't it?

my fingers bleed after touching your skin.
you are made of razor blades,
but i keep coming back for more
your talk is made of cloudy nights
and i drive without headlights.

"getting close to you," she said,
"it felt like skydiving"
her lips were trembling
and her eyes were so sad
"and now my parachute just won't work."

i will never be able to say what happened outloud
But sometimes my mind is too much to listen to.
Thinking I deserved it, I could’ve prevented it
but I’m reminded with two days of blood
And forced to think about it with bruised lips
maybe if I would’ve been more careful,
I wouldn’t have had my face pressed into the ground Saturday night
maybe if I hadn’t gotten so drunk I could’ve fought back.

I can’t think about it without crying.

the girl next to me is talking.
she says her happiness goes down with the temperature
everyone else repeats these words like a forged signature.
but hot air never stopped my shivering.
for me, it comes without a warning sign.

I believe the two types of people in this world are simple:
The people that despise the things I love.
The people that appreciate the way I do.
Oh my god I remember when I was in about 2nd grade.
It was a little funny, I guess.
That boy was a little ****, and I was around the crowd.
Got stuck on another boy for four years,
and never fell in love
a miracle for me

surrounded myself with people that still don't understand
And these days, I'll always have way more fun than them.

And I remember that year where I dated him
And he told my best friend to **** herself
So I spent hours trying to console her
How could I forget about the coffee house boy? already have
Singing songs while everyone prayed that we perform the softest sin
Wasn't supposed to happen. My breath reeked anyway,
I could taste it.

But before that, I felt deeply for a boy that paid too much attention to me
Wasn't his fault. I wanted to help him.
But I know where our place will always be, because the world is cruel.

and now I'm falling again, and I know I'm gonna hit rock bottom
soon.

I’ve got real friends that are willing to make me numb
Wonder if they would care if I was suddenly not here
Everything has been a trigger lately

Your eyes are deceiving you
it's okay to be happy
and it's okay to be sad