you take me to a place I’ve never been before
And when you take my hand,
You guide me through everything I thought I couldn’t do before.
And if you fall, I hope you know it’s safe to land.
It’s not been easy for us
But we can grow and heal our wounds
and recover from all the hurt
But I know it takes time, so there is no rush
We’ve got all the time in the world
To build up everything we need.
It’s going to be okay
he withdraws himself from me
because his actions hurt me in the first place
I’ve angered him with my own sadness
but he tells me he could’ve just set me free
I’m lucky he’s stuck by my side.
He says things to other girls
That he refuses to say to me
My thoughts are in a blur
And my mind soaks in jealousy
But it’s my fault I feel this way
I have to take claim for my actions and pay
And hope he’ll want to touch me again.
And hope he’ll forgive me again
I hope he forgives me for making him angry.
I hope he forgives me for acting so crazy
I just love him so much
And I would give any part of myself to make him happy.
There’s a golden glow that seeps into my house as the sun is setting, but it reveals all the grime that was muddled in on the floor. I try to clean, sweep and mop, to make the hardwood floors reflect the beaming light better, but now the rooms too bright and my eyes are having a hard time adjusting. I push myself into a shadow so I don’t have to deal with the discomfort of adjusting right away, but by the time the light is tolerable, the sky is already dark.
what if everyone leaves you?
no one loves you,
wait why do you care?
you're you're own person.
but what if you end up all alone,
you love these people,
and they make the emptiness go away.
your life is a series of different addictions.
to people. to foods. that one song.
drugs. edge off the pain. the ******* stress,
you're not controlling anything,
everyone thinks you're a **** up,
be louder. no that's annoying.
calm down, now you're too aloof,
how do i make him notice me?
he's all i think about now
but it's onto the next one
and now im kinda empty
my feeling of control,
feeling like i was moving towards my goals
only lasted a year.
i think this is the reason i can't believe
i have a grasp
it’s too easy to blank my state of mind
Instead of dealing with everything.
i really want to be free
i wonder what i'm really working towards
would it be easier to get on medication?
to feel so out of touch with myself?
i really don't want to be me
I was having a divine time
Until suddenly a tragedy
Brought on my worst travesty.
every year on this day,
children come to my home to play
they giggle but run away pale faced
as if they had just seen-
I’m excited for the entertainment
Why brood in disappointment?
And after so many October 31sts,
I’ve gathered a crowd of children who were cursed
We stay here now forever
And all scare the new ones together
If you come to play
You may die and stay
it's someone different
but if i don't open my eyes,
i can feel him.
i wake up alone.
but if i don't open my eyes
my heart doesn't have to break
he could be everything I need
but one of us is just too ******* weird
and it’s not him.
and when we speak,
i m too prone to acting like myself.
he loves it but I don’t.
****, if my mental illness isn't torture enough
then life keeps swinging her punches
i feel weak all the time.
i don’t really like to cry
but i think I’ve cried everyday
for the past two years.
i have climbed myself out of every hole i dug,
and life threw its punches, but i would swing harder
lately my mind and mouth feel like metal,
my chest feels heavy with the rise and falls
and my bones are weak
my muscles ache.
i am tired.
i wish it all could just stop.
i will never be able to say what happened outloud
But sometimes my mind is too much to listen to.
Thinking I deserved it, I could’ve prevented it
but I’m reminded with two days of blood
And forced to think about it with bruised lips
maybe if I would’ve been more careful,
I wouldn’t have had my face pressed into the ground Saturday night
maybe if I hadn’t gotten so drunk I could’ve fought back.
I can’t think about it without crying.
If you don’t think about the needy
Self entitled, far from selfless
You should want to help others
But your mind crumbles
Under the thought
Of you could’ve easily been
A drug addicted woman
Separated from her family
Who realized no amount of love
Can push away an addicts love
For white lines and heated spoons.
So your depression isolates you.
Because you were so close to being her
But you end up with empathy
And empty pockets
With the heavy weight of knowing
There’s no way of helping
Someone who doesn’t want to be saved.
we didn't want to you to OD
and have your mother crying
saying she'd do anything to have you back
all these nights i'm losing sleep
i wish it was all a dream
but white lines don't numb dark times
even the lightest mind gonna hang around the dark sometimes
and you fought hard for yours
all of a sudden everyone's mentioning your name,
each time it's said,
it just shows me that my life will never be the same
knew you were drifting and you wouldn't live forever
but please let me know if it ever gets better
when you find a way out of your head,
cause i'd do anything for a way out of my head right now
celebrity deaths don't effect me, but mac millers music had SUCH an impact on my life. i had to get this out. i find myself crying over this death still. i've listened to mac miller forever and his music has gotten me THROUGH some tough times. thank you for everything, mac. RIP
we spend a lot of time on twin size mattresses
our heads weigh unto the pillow,
and our thoughts are so heavy
we spend a lot of time breaking out of conventional ways
i hear you say you wanna be happy
but you rest your head on concrete floors
and my concerns are way too high
for someone who won't help them self
i wore myself out before sleeping in my car,
falling asleep not sure if i'd wake up
and praying i don't someday have to sell myself
just to make ends meet.
back then we were fighting to be self actualized
when we weren't sure where our next meal would come from
every day my brain battles me,
but i'm strong enough to someday win the war.
you spent too much time praying and not doing
I started breathing like a dragon more
when my throat feels like it’s on fire,
my demons voices become tired
So when my mind is unaltered I try to carry this state on more
Self therapy and self medication is terrifying
when you never know if you’re moving in the right direction
And have a nagging feeling you’ll never afford mental correction
there’s still many days that are too paralyzing
The moon told me
The clocks told me
The sun and his siblings all told me
“I promise you’ll be okay.”
I am a soul
Riddled with trust issues
I am a soul
That my brain has poisoned
I’m calling it quits
I need a break from all the stressful smoke breaks
Nights spent breathing in air as heavy as Earth
with a heavy chest with the same thought looping
“why is most love unrequited?”
I’m done tying myself to people
who push me around to see the pain in my eyes
But I still feel safe with them
and then all the bad thoughts become a blanket
So depression makes the softest bed
It’s easy to wake up and find myself paralyzed
I’m cleaning out the skeletons
They over flow my closet and their ghosts follow me
Everywhere I go I carry demons
If I speak my truth with an open heart,
Maybe I’ll find angels to replace the evil.
I’m going to let go
And forgive myself
And everyone who doesn’t deserve it.
I am starting with cleaning the ashes of those I’ve burned.
I told her she’s just another body
she came too soon and I licked my lips
now she keeps hitting my line,
she’s addicted again.
I think it’s happened again
you see, there’s a guy
Who has feelings i’d normally condemn.
whenever I see him he’s always broken and high
He’s a guy who refuses to rise above
But he’s manipulated me into believing he’s found his twin flame
And he pulls the trigger with precise aim,
but he’s already in love.
I have a war inside my head
And sometimes I lie in bed
And pretend to be dead
Sometimes I lay awake,
wishing the earth would quake
And then my belly aches
But I am not hungry
It’s just emotional sundry
my mind becomes so ugly.
so, hear it from me, I’m starving.
Hoping to feeling something.
On these nights my mind is startling.
Until the war is almost calming.
The blood shed keeps the vampires fed
And I’m sorry for this war inside my head
I’ve always appreciated the people who never fled
because I know they all dread this war inside my head
my name is depression,
Because these lows seem to define
my entire mental illness.
my name is depression when I’m lost,
Blacking out from the heavy weight of my mind
My name is depression
When my manager notices I’m not motivated,
And suddenly my career is on the line.
my name is depression
when I’m in the middle of an episode
And can’t be bothered to do classwork
And suddenly I’m threatened with being kicked out of college.
And I’m defined by all of this, purposeless.
My goal is rise above the chemicals in my brain,
Without therapy or medicine.
Because I’ve always taken pride in being independent.
But it’s time for me to ask for help.
I have the soul of a fire
I have hands as cold as Antarctica’s air
I have my feet grounded
I have the wrath of the ocean
I am unstoppable
I have the wrath of the ocean,
my hometown is haunted
there’s memories down every back road,
and some spirits are stuck on who they were
they roam the old dirt roads,
Thinking things have never changed.
There’s confederate soldiers still roaming my neighborhood,
The ghosts of slaves still singing their songs
Which are carried into the ears of their descendants,
it’s a reminder of rights that haven’t been granted.
There’s still hills from the crops that have been planted years and years ago.
There’s still people that hold the same belief as their white grandparents did.
There’s still hills and mountains to climb before everyone realized we’re all the same height.
My hometown is plagued with hatred,
But you have to listen closely,
It’s in the voices of rich southern belles,
Down to the soul of the tobacco spitting **** heads.
It’s cooked into green bean casseroles and fed to their children
Through backhanded compliments plastered in a facade.
Late at night, listen to the sounds in my hometown and
You’ll hear history.
Listen to the abandoned train,
And the slaves that worked through the heavy rain
if you close your eyes, you’ll see the sweat and tears,
Where you can’t tell which is which.
Listen to the broken souls,
And how far it carried into their own.
And you’ll realize this war was never over
For anyone begging for a difference
For the lost, after all.
With everyone for who they are.
I connect with everyone
On the level they need me to.
and not everyone needs me
But for the ones that do,
I am here
And I believe
There’s hope for you
And there’s hope for me.
And we will rise above
my soul belongs to the flames that rise up from the grill,
My heart is flipping in white wine in a skillet,
And my arms are full of burn marks,
I show them off to tell the world
“I chose a career that switched me from my dysfunctional family to another one”
By the time I’m home I smell like sweat and food,
Sometimes too tired to wash the day away,
I fall in my bed, too awake to fall asleep.
I’m in love with what I do,
And After 20 years, I’m finally home.
her auburn hair was messy,
And I figured it reflected who she was,
Bright but a mess,
And I was absolutely right.
she’s the type of girl that stays up all night,
Just to look at the moon and watch the sunrise
she believes there’s still more to learn,
more people to love.
and she never stops.
she never stops working, she never
Stops loving people,
Even when others deem them unworthy.
She spends her days saving lives,
Couldn’t bare to save her own.
And everyday she wakes up,
So full of love, but so scared to invest in anyone
She just wants her mind to stop racing.
Her clothes drape loosely on her body,
And her eyes don’t shed a tear anymore
she puts on her warpaint.
I don’t know if I love you or not,
Not even sure if I actually really like you.
What kind of difference have you brought?
The first time I saw you,
I was hatless and you had a hat.
But I skipped right over that moment
And never thought twice about you,
It took months, in fact, for me to completely notice you.
But now I’m here,
I don’t know if I like you or not,
But I’m almost sure I love you,
But as a friend.
Sometimes I think more than a friend,
But I just wanna kick it with you for a little while.
In not a friend way.
I don’t know if you like me or not,
But I just wanna hang out
For a very long time,
If that’s okay?
i can't seem to find a good balance
between structure and constant change.
i have a million goals,
but i'm still searching for a purpose.
i need to make an impression on the world,
that lasts long after i'm gone.
I settle in &
watch cars pass my house
for three straight hours.
it’s the summer,
I’ve lost the battle with my mind today.
and I remember,
That’s it. That’s all it is. Just a battle,
I have a whole war to fight.
i settle in tomorrow,
smile at myself in the mirror,
feel the feeling of absurdity and acceptance-
Well, it never stays too well.
I lose the battle once again.
when the night sets in & im all alone
To my thoughts waging on
I’ll be exhausted in the morning and throughout the day
maybe i can lay my head down somewhere
That’s not my car.
but now my car is stuck in the road for three straight hours.
It’s a lump of plastic and metal,
But I feel myself losing against the chemicals in my brain with odds fighting me.
in less than a week,
A home finds me.
My weary soul finds a place to go.
I find structure in modern soulmates-
Maybe I’ll be less hopeless.
I’ll settle in & forget about the past 6 months.
& I’ll win many more battles.
my eyes are sore.
each night i meet the sun
and add up the hours
i add up the hours from
work, work, college
how long i slept,
and there's never enough time
in the daytime
to do what i need to do,
but i cannot be tired.
i have such a long way to walk
“we should sit in my car
behind this abandoned house
we should fill our lungs with smoke,
i can change your mind,
while your world is a blur,
the pressure between your hips
will be heavier than ever.
and when it’s all said and done,
I’ll make you promise to keep it a secrect.
and when it’s all said and done,
You’ll sympathize with that house,
And you’ll feel empty just like that house.
Your frames will bend and break,
And I don’t care how you’re getting home.
And I don’t care that your eyes are blinded with tears.
i just want you.
but you’ll feel heavy and empty all at once when I’m done with you. “
i was a child of a broken home,
but my parents were never broken up.
i am a child of untreated mental illness and severe alcoholism,
mom & dad riddled with the fear of growing up,
still blaming their parents for how they turned out.
& i saw the cycle repeated when my siblings grew unsuccessful
"it's not me, it's how my roots were planted twisted,
the death of a sister at a young age really makes a family fall apart.
it's not me, it's how my father didn't care. i just wanted
to be approved of.
i just wanted to be cared for,
but i am the way i am because my mother taught me to
be intoxicated instead of face my problems."
my siblings live in fear of becoming like my parents,
but they never take charge to alter the cycle
I grew with abuse to my mind and body,
and all i can do now is
heal myself and run far away
i am no longer my past,
the place i come from will have nothing to do
with who i become.
the fog looked like smoked this morning
and i thought the city would burn down.
no one was rushing to save the burning buildings
because it's only fog that encased this town.
the air smelled like fire, falling debris
and i knew i wanted to escape this town to feel free
everyone had a dead look in their eyes,
but i drove towards the exit to escape everything
i want my voice to be stronger than it is
but all i am is small
my body feels big when i wear it,
but when i'm wrapped around someone else
i can't help but feel
my words carry strength
that stings when you get too close
my mind is a loaded gun.
and all the power i felt
swept me away once more
i bring a sense of hopelessness
so when i'm happy
i am tired
WHEN I BROUGHT MY KNIFE
TO A SWORD FIGHT
BUT WHEN I BROUGHT LOVE
TO A BATTLE OF HATE,
MY HEART DIED.
i hear them talk about their childhoods
how they wish that they could go back.
my issues started early
i keep my head down.
cause god, i'm grateful i don't have to go back.
i do not have a platform.
if i did, i'd like to think i'd use it for good
my disruptive personality stops me.
so now i don't have a place to speak.
i am so tired of being told
i am too loud
i am so tired of being told
i am too much to be around
so i am going to be even more of myself
and the people that know me,
will hear me clearer
how many times can i fall in love with the idea
of a person
how many times will someone fall in love with
the idea of
"getting close to you," she said,
"it felt like skydiving"
her lips were trembling
and her eyes were so sad
"and now my parachute just won't work."
even during the difficult times,
please keep love in your heart.
breeding hate is what they're trying to do.
the people i love are dangerous
they're hand feeding my demons
dragging me back to my old habits
i tear myself apart trying to crawl out
toxicity sprinkled with love
that you can't see unless you look in a mirror
the person i hate needs to learn love
but i just can't fall in love with myself
there's circles written around my eyes
people see it as something for them to solve,
like a riddle they can't even read.
but the clearer they see, the less they like.
they tell me i'm too much too handle,
they leave when they tell me i snap too easy
they leave when they realize they can't play with my head
they leave when i don't change my ways
and all i have to say is
i live for myself, not you.
so their defensive minds deem it selfish
strawberry. we're red, we're orange.
a mixture of a flame, but its nothing important
she breaks me open,
it's not anything for love
now she has all the fire.
And I am colorless
my best friends
it's time to find
New best friends
in the morning my blood is cold,
there's chips of ice crawling around my heart
And it paralyzes me.
my mind has control over my body.
it's hard to breathe like this.
I'm so cold I'm shaking.
my lips are blue and
My skin has frostbite all over,
But I'm the only that can see the damage
I get looks of pity
when I try to claw out of my body,
I sliced through my legs and arms
I tried to make an escape
there's a war inside of me that I can't seem to appreciate
please please please, leave me be.
some people hear songs
and they feel like they've already heard it
He said they all had the same melody,
The beat is a recurrence in all the songs
Every single one of them feel the same.
He said he's searching,
But he said he's done.
You see, he's stopped,
And he's settled for
a song that's at a faster pace
But still the same.
she goes down on me,
my body flows with ecstasy,
i am so high,
but when shes done
she brings me down
he told me i tasted like the sunrise,
my lips told a story of a new beginning.
but the last time i saw him
i felt as cold as the day we first met.
suddenly, my sunrise fell and
he told me i left a bitter taste in his mouth