my mind contradicts my heart
my eyes betray my ears
twisted every way
your sweet love:
soiled
by your carelessness
am I wrong to crave your love still?

I slip,
and suddenly I'm underwater
gasping for air,
but my lungs are filled
with the spirits
I can't seem to exhale,
and there's no room
for the oxygen
I so desperately need.

I've fallen,
my brittle bones
cracked from the pressure
of trying to hold up
the demons on my back,
laughing as they press down.
I'll never be able
to stagger back up.

I'm dying,
torn from the inside,
my own voices
driving me to madness
from which there is no
possible escape.
help me, help me,
I don't want this fate.

It's constant,
the broken lights
lost in the darkness of the weary night
Tiresome days
and Restless nights
Seem to last longer than the happiness that is claimed to be infinite.

Sadness is forever,
when happiness has left it leaves a hollow hole
Before happiness enters,
there is a hollow hole
During happiness the hole is only patched a single stitch
Still gaping and burning and aching and paining
And trying to complete the stitch work just seems
un-achievable
unrealistic
unattainable

impossible. unreachable.
and i have rested my needle and thread
I'll just watch it grow bigger instead.

Mommy, Mommy
I have a new friend
She likes the swings, like me
She’s so nice and pretty
She’s very shy, but she really liked my stickers
Mommy, Mommy
My new friend told me today
That she likes to paint
And that she wishes she was pretty
Mommy, why didn’t she believe me when I told her
I thought she was pretty and that I wanted to be just like her?
Mommy, Mommy
My friend said she’s sad
She told me that my stickers and the candy, I offered,
Wouldn’t make her sadness go away
I don’t understand, Mommy
I thought candy made everyone feel better
She said she didn’t need a doctor
She said it wasn’t like when your tummy hurts
Mommy, Mommy
While my friend was pushing me on the swings,
She told me that she wants to go away
To somewhere that she knows she’ll be happier
Mommy, can we take her to the zoo?
Would that make her sadness go away, Mommy?
Mommy, Mommy
I found out that my friend likes to paint on her arms
She told me that it’s not art
Mommy, she told me hurts herself on purpose
I asked her why she’d do such a mean thing to herself
And, Mommy, she told me that she does it to make the other pain away
Mommy, what else makes my friend hurt?
I don’t understand
She told me that she cries at night
She said that I had to keep it a secret,
But, Mommy, I know you won’t tell anyone her secret
Mommy, why do you look so sad?
Mommy, why is my friend sad?
Mommy, what can I do to make her better?
Mommy, why are you crying?
Mommy, do you want a hug?
Mommy, Mommy
My friend wasn’t at school today
I had no one to swing with or trade stickers with
I think my friend is sick
She was quiet yesterday,
But she told me that I was her best friend
Mommy, I have a best friend!
Mommy, Mommy
My best friend hasn’t been to school all week
I swing alone and it’s not as fun without her
Mommy, can we go see her?
Mommy, Mommy
You tell me my friend is gone
That she’s in the happy place that she always wanted to be
Mommy, why didn’t she tell me bye?
Why did she have to go?
Mommy, you say there’s a place I can go to see her
Mommy, I didn’t know
I would have to wear black
And bring flowers
Mommy, you said I would get to see her
Oh, Mommy, please don’t cry
Mommy, Mommy
I understand now
That my friend was sad
And that hugs and stickers and my candy wouldn’t make her better
Mommy, I don’t want her to be sad
Mommy, Mommy
Do you promise she’s happy now?
Do you think I’ll get to see her again?
Mommy, Mommy
I understand now
That zoos and candy won’t make me happy,
Not without my best friend
Mommy, Mommy
I miss my best friend
When will she come visit me?
Mommy, I’m sorry
I keep making you cry
Mommy, Mommy
My friend isn’t coming back, is she?
Mommy, I can’t stop crying
Why is she gone?
Was I a bad friend, Mommy?
Mommy, I understand why she wanted the pain go away, now
But, Mommy,
Why did she have to go too?
{-ksf}

A rainbow of all the shades of red
Flow out of her wrists
She’***** the right vein
Time to end her pain
Her face is pale
But that’s okay
She knows that this scared feeling
Will too prevail
She’s a coward and she’s sorry,
But she’s tired of the worry;
The constant reminder of what was done,
Snakes up her wrists and down her legs
It’s time to go
Her breathing now, is slow
She knows you’ll think this is wrong;
That she should have stayed;
She should have gotten help,
But this is right
She will not fight
When the darkness comes
And takes her life
She drops the knife
And closes her eyes
Please don’t cry
It’s time for her to die
She is not scared
Don’t think she’s lying
In this letter that she is writing,
There is no hiding
Know that she loves you
And that she’s sorry
This is her last letter
I know you’re sad now,
But you will eventually feel better
And when you look up at the sky,
Think of me and say
Goodbye
-{ksf}

Everyone always leaves me alone,
Alone with my thoughts.
Those thoughts that drag me back to that dark place,
I know as home.
That place filled with darkness, and pain.
Where I am slowly drowning,
Gasping for air.
Reaching out for a hand,
But no one is ever there.

How could I be okay, when you're so far away.
How could I smile, when you're not there to help me through the day.
You are my light..
That once shined so bright.
But now you're dimming out,
The farther you grow away from me.
I thought I could hold you tight,
But how could I?
When you don't want to be by my side.

How could I be okay, when you're so far away.
How could I smile, when you're not there to help me through the day.
All I see is darkness, surrounding me.
I need my light, to shine over me.
Take me in your arms,
Tell me everything will be okay.
I reach for your hand,
But you pull away.
Watch me as I slowly drown,
I scream for you,
But you don't hear a sound.

If you could not
Mention her
Just for a while
I'm sick of the stories
I feel so vile
For lingering on it
But I guess you are too
Why are you with me?
Are you sure your over her?
The questions
The worries
I don't tell you about
But please don't mention it
It hurts to be compared
Or to feel compared
I could be wrong
I hope I am
But the demons inside
Don't understand
So please
Could you not
Linger