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3.2k · Dec 2018
missing you
angele Dec 2018
i miss him. everything about him. his hands on me.
his kisses.
at least i can remember the last time we kissed
the last time we hugged
and it all makes me wanna cry.

i want him. i want all of him. his love and affection. looking at his face and into his beautiful beautiful eyes. the lull of the silence which was so perfect.

i want to be his again.
i want him to be mine
but he already belongs to another.

i keep replaying it in my mind, over and over and over.
i didn’t know it was the last time.
did he know it would be the last time?
it was a thought stuffed into the back of his mind- always there-like the crumpled up pieces of gum wrappers you stuff in your pockets.
or maybe he didn’t.
i don’t know
it doesn’t matter now
i just miss it.

i miss you.
2.1k · Dec 2018
another one of your toys
angele Dec 2018
i feel like glass.
i feel like the word shatter.
this is what you have done to me with your abuse
this is what you have done to my heart
broken and smashed it over and over with a hammer.

i loved you-i still love you.
how come i still love you?
you break me as if i’m just one of your toys and toss me to the side again
and again
and again

and you have ruined me.
and you will again
and again
and again
until there is nothing left of me to break with your hammer.

and despite the uncertainties with how you feel about me and how you treat me…

i’ll always come back.
you know that.
1.1k · Mar 2019
squeeze me
angele Mar 2019
cuddle me
enclasp me
squeeze me
he says.

to keep me forever.  
squeeze me
to remember how you feel in this moment-before i’m gone.
squeeze me
to bathe in our love-powerful like the sun.
squeeze me
to paint our sins in your head.
squeeze me
to let our love envelop our minds and bodies intertwined.

and i can’t get enough

squeeze me
he says
so i do.
970 · Dec 2018
without you
angele Dec 2018
my hands begin to shake
my knees begin to quake
how can i do this without you?

my heart starts to break
the tears rush down my face
how can i love without you?

every step i take
i am unsure of the moves i make
how can i live without you?

how can i do anything
without
you?
681 · Mar 2019
hearts break
angele Mar 2019
they shatter
just like you did mine

and you threw it into the ocean
and let it be devoured by sharks
517 · Mar 2019
the unknown
angele Mar 2019
i can't stop.
i can't lose him.
i can't break his heart
i wont.
but i already have
haven't i?

what happens now is uncertain.

but there's no turning back now
nothing will ever be the same.
this is the one thing i am sure of.

so without thinking
i push my sins away for another day to drown myself in them
i step forwards toward my darkness
or my light
i guess that is for me to decide.
509 · Feb 2019
rainstorms
angele Feb 2019
she told me my writing is sad
too depressing to read
why don't i just write about happy things?

she said i write as though it's always raining outside
and i told her when it rains
it pours

and when the sun and rainbows are out
there is nothing left of my shattered soul to pour

until another rainstorm.
404 · Dec 2018
all at once
angele Dec 2018
when did i lose you?
when did you decide you weren’t mine?
it was like falling asleep, slowly, and then all at once when you decided you couldn’t be broken by me again.

in this scenario, i was your hammer. i was the one who crushed your heart, over and over.
until you couldn’t take anymore. so you decided that living without me and my love was better then living with it but always having the sadness on your mind, like a boulder crushing you slowly, then all at once as the item holding its weight breaks down upon you.

you told me once i always put you to the side
and that you let me walk all over you.
is that true ?
how did i do to you what cruel actions were inflicted upon myself?
how did i become this person?

i learned this human tendency from a book we read in my english class, that those who have been oppressed, subconsciously or consciously oppress others.

this is what i did to you
and i am undeniably culpable.
so i am sorry.

truly my love.
290 · Dec 2018
stupid fairy-tales
angele Dec 2018
i've began to study him
notice the things he says
the little lies which come out of his mouth
instinctual in order to impress
an automatic response.
tells stories about others, but as if he were doing it

but i don’t get mad
i just know i can’t trust him
i take everything he says with a grain of salt
just the little lies
yes i did this-lie
i didn't kiss her first-lie

why can no one be real?

i asked him if he loved himself
he said no.
but this i knew
was not a lie

but i understand his lies are not for me
to be more impressed with him
it is so he can love and impress himself

i wish he could love himself the way i love him
then maybe he would never lie again
maybe
just maybe
or maybe i just live in a stupid fairy tale
269 · Mar 2019
unrequited love
angele Mar 2019
i think about you perpetually.
your name floats through my head
your face painted in my dreams
burned into my tears.

but i am certain,

when you lie in bed
you never think about me,
you unfailingly dream of her
of touching her
of loving her

the way i wish you would still love me
if it weren't for my transgressions.
253 · Feb 2019
always
angele Feb 2019
i am powerless in the way of your pain-
which drives me to a place of insanity.
since i am impotent-i will promise you instead.

i promise to help you smile on your darkest days.
i promise to be your light where all the goodness has vanished.
i promise to find the words when your tongue has been removed.
i promise to stand when your knees give out.
i promise to be your music when your fingers break.
i promise to be the warm body holding you during a nightmare.
i promise to be your heart when yours is shattered.
i promise to be yours.
always,
i promise.
well i tried to write something happy.
how’d it go?
250 · Dec 2018
the comfort of human touch
angele Dec 2018
every time i let my mind wander, it goes straight to him, straight to the night, straight to his touch. lying there with him, and hoping it would last forever.  paying close attention to the places on my body where i felt pressure and warmth, his warmth, pressing into me.  trying to remember the feeling forever. the quiet and peaceful sound of his breathing in and out, in and out in my ear and his heartbeat, beating against me.  his feet slowly wrapping around mine and his arm gently going around me and pulling me close. and finally his hand reaching over and intertwining with mine.
my cheeks flushed as people came in, flustered the night would soon come to an end. i felt his arm reach around me as we sat up, and the warmth and comfort of his shirtless body gently wrapped around me. i felt his lips, so soft, press into my head, as he held me tight, and then my forehead as we said goodnight. such a small, but grand gesture.
i heard him say he didn’t want me to leave and wanted to live the night on repeat. didn’t he know i wanted to also? and i felt eyes on me, as if to ask why i was being cruel with my actions and leading him on.
i felt cold as i went back to my room, missing his touch, his softness, gentleness, and his warmth. missing him.
missing his hand slowly interlocking with mine.
i miss his laugh, it’s so real and pure. and he’s real.
no one else is.
209 · Dec 2018
fragile human
angele Dec 2018
you pull the strings of my heart until they break

as if cutting the strings to a guitar,
the metal snapping back and cutting your finger

how much longer until you break my neck and body too ?
160 · Mar 2019
stop.
angele Mar 2019
sometimes i lay on my bed-facing the stars
thinking.
thinking..
thinking...
until i dont want to think anymore
until i cant think anymore
until i want it to stop
until i want everything to
just
stop.

— The End —