when did i lose you?
when did you decide you weren’t mine?
it was like falling asleep, slowly, and then all at once when you decided you couldn’t be broken by me again.

in this scenario, i was your hammer. i was the one who crushed your heart, over and over.
until you couldn’t take anymore. so you decided that living without me and my love was better then living with it but always having the sadness on your mind, like a boulder crushing you slowly, then all at once as the item holding its weight breaks down upon you.

you told me once i always put you to the side
and that you let me walk all over you.
is that true ?
how did i do to you what cruel actions were inflicted upon myself?
how did i become this person?

i learned this human tendency from a book we read in my english class, that those who have been oppressed, subconsciously or consciously oppress others.

this is what i did to you
and i am undeniably culpable.
so i am sorry.

truly my love.

every time i let my mind wander, it goes straight to him, straight to the night, straight to his touch. lying there with him, and hoping it would last forever.  paying close attention to the places on my body where i felt pressure and warmth, his warmth, pressing into me.  trying to remember the feeling forever. the quiet and peaceful sound of his breathing in and out, in and out in my ear and his heartbeat, beating against me.  his feet slowly wrapping around mine and his arm gently going around me and pulling me close. and finally his hand reaching over and intertwining with mine.
my cheeks flushed as people came in, flustered the night would soon come to an end. i felt his arm reach around me as we sat up, and the warmth and comfort of his shirtless body gently wrapped around me. i felt his lips, so soft, press into my head, as he held me tight, and then my forehead as we said goodnight. such a small, but grand gesture.
i heard him say he didn’t want me to leave and wanted to live the night on repeat. didn’t he know i wanted to also? and i felt eyes on me, as if to ask why i was being cruel with my actions and leading him on.
i felt cold as i went back to my room, missing his touch, his softness, gentleness, and his warmth. missing him.
missing his hand slowly interlocking with mine.
i miss his laugh, it’s so real and pure. and he’s real.
no one else is.

i think about you perpetually.
your name floats through my head
your face painted in my dreams
burned into my tears.

but i am certain,

when you lie in bed
you never think about me,
you unfailingly dream of her
of touching her
of loving her

the way i wish you would still love me
if it weren't for my transgressions.