just like you did mine
and you threw it into the ocean
and let it be devoured by sharks
i think about you perpetually.
your name floats through my head
your face painted in my dreams
burned into my tears.
but i am certain,
when you lie in bed
you never think about me,
you unfailingly dream of her
of touching her
of loving her
the way i wish you would still love me
if it weren't for my transgressions.
to keep me forever.
to remember how you feel in this moment-before i’m gone.
to bathe in our love-powerful like the sun.
to paint our sins in your head.
to let our love envelop our minds and bodies intertwined.
and i can’t get enough
so i do.
i can't stop.
i can't lose him.
i can't break his heart
but i already have
what happens now is uncertain.
but there's no turning back now
nothing will ever be the same.
this is the one thing i am sure of.
so without thinking
i push my sins away for another day to drown myself in them
i step forwards toward my darkness
or my light
i guess that is for me to decide.
sometimes i lay on my bed-facing the stars
until i dont want to think anymore
until i cant think anymore
until i want it to stop
until i want everything to
i am powerless in the way of your pain-
which drives me to a place of insanity.
since i am impotent-i will promise you instead.
i promise to help you smile on your darkest days.
i promise to be your light where all the goodness has vanished.
i promise to find the words when your tongue has been removed.
i promise to stand when your knees give out.
i promise to be your music when your fingers break.
i promise to be the warm body holding you during a nightmare.
i promise to be your heart when yours is shattered.
i promise to be yours.
well i tried to write something happy.
how’d it go?
she told me my writing is sad
too depressing to read
why don't i just write about happy things?
she said i write as though it's always raining outside
and i told her when it rains
and when the sun and rainbows are out
there is nothing left of my shattered soul to pour
until another rainstorm.