Today I wondered
Why am I still fighting?
I know that
I have things to fight for
But they are so far off
In that uncertain future
So I need
Daily reminders
To why I’m still fighting
And that’s okay
So here, let me remind you
Of why I am still fighting
I am fighting
For road trips and mountains
Beaches and bonfires and
Loud music played
In fast cars
I am also fighting
For loud music
Through my headphones
And the smell of cold
Winter nights
At 1:00 A.M.
I am fighting
For text messages and
Small smiles and
Helping someone with
Their day
I am fighting for
Cups of tea in the freezing cold
And long walks in
Freezing rain
For smelling a bit like
A campfire
I am fighting for
Seeing my friends in
The morning and
Texting them after school
I am fighting
For big things
And little things
But the good thing is
I’m fighting

Damaged people love you like a crime scene
Before any crime had been committed
They kept their running shoes right next to their souls every night
One eye opened in case something changed whilst they were asleep

Damaged people love in the most broken way
Damaged people love in the most gentle way
Damaged people do not love
Damaged people love too much

Their backs are always too tense, too tight
Made this way from carrying too many broken things
Because we all know broken things are the heaviest
Just look the weight of a broken heart

Damaged people will love that too
Damaged people love broken things
Because they remind them of themselves

Damaged people take broken things
And love them to the end
Trying to find that one broken thing
That will fit their cracks.

Damaged people love so well

They love like this because they have already seen Hell
And they know that every evil demon
Was once an angel before they fell.

I am alone
I am alone to the
Deepest parts of myself
Down to the very bone

I am alone
My mold must've been
Cast in solitude
And covered in heartbreak

I am alone
It is more than
Not having a friend
Standing next to me

I am alone
It goes to the point
Of standing in a room
Full of best friends
And still
Having not a single one
Brush my soul

I am alone
I have no one
To say that I have
No one I would ever want
To sentence to being my friend
For that is a curse
None should have to bear

I am alone
I think that my heart
Must be burning cold
That no one can really touch it
So I am isolated

I am alone
And I am numb
Empty and afraid
Because I am alone

I am alone
I battle myself
By myself
For it's easier not to worry
About the collateral
When it's only me

I am alone
And I will stay that way
For the good of others
Over the good of myself

I am alone
It hurts me this way
But it's better this way
So I'm the only one
Who ends up damaged

A lot of things
In life
Can slip

They slip so easily
It's scary
How precious things
Just leave your
Very fingertips

Like you
You slipped
Right out of
My once fairy tale life
One moment
I was holding your hand
And happiness was clasped
Between our palms
Then the next
I was holding nothing but
Air and sadness
Because of the way
Your hand just
Slipped
Right out of mine
And how you slipped
Right out of my life

Like that metal
It slipped right down
My once whole skin
Straight, even lines
One second
Everything was
Whole, well and good
Then the next
Everything was
Chaos, dark red and hurt
All because of that
One little piece
Of shiny-bright metal
That slipped down my skin
And with it
My hope slipped away too

Like my smile
One day
Everything was full of
Friendly parted lips
And perfect teeth
Then I woke
In tomorrow
And all that my world
Was full of
Was closed lips
And shuttered eyes
All because
That smile just
Slipped
So easily
Right off my lips

Like my very life
I must've been
Carrying it not quite
Carefully enough
Whilst I was walking
Down a rainy road
I must've
Slipped
On some slick patch
Of sorrow
And it just
Slipped
Right out of my
Innocent arms

I couldn't do anything
But sit there
And watch
As my life that
Slipped
Shattered
Into a million
Tiny, broken fragments

But it's okay
Someone came along
And they simply
Slipped
Their warm hand
Into mine
And they looked at me
For only a moment,
But then they saw
The broken skin
Tears
Slipped
Out of their brown eyes
I asked why they cried
For a girl they
Had never spoken to
Then they told me
They knew the pain
Of that particular slip
They knew that
My smile had
Slipped
Away from me
And so we went on an adventure
To find where our smiles
Had stolen off to

With them
I never worried
About my broken life
That had
Slipped
Fallen
And shattered
Because while we were
Off questing for our smiles
Joy
Slipped in between
Our woven fingers
And metal stopped
Slipping
Down our wrists
And hope filled in
The places where the metal
Once was
Then our lost smiles
Slowly began
Slipping
Back onto our faces
And better lives
Made of stardust and steel
Instead of glass and cobwebs
Slipped
Into our arms

Sometimes we feel
Like we're on the verge
Of slipping
And having everything shatter
But each time
We catch each other
And since that day
We've never slipped forever
Maybe we have tripped
But never completely
Lost ourselves in a slip

I am not afraid
Of very much
Not because I'm brave
Strong and fearless
But because I am too
Numb to be afraid

I am not afraid
Of very much
But what I am afraid of
I am terrified of

I am not afraid
Of very much
But I am beyond terrified
Of three things
In this life

The first thing being
Falling in love
That does not mean
I am afraid of love
For love is a nice thing
Gentle smiles and
Friendly laughs
That lead to hugs
Kind words
But no kisses
Just loving the other person

Falling in love however
That is a terrifying thing
To crave their company
Every hour of the day
To wish to know
What secrets their
Smiles could hide
The aching need to
Be with them
That terrifies me

The second thing is
That I am afraid
Of being powerless
In all essences
Defenseless
Weak
Unable to stop
Awful, terrible,
Catastrophic things
From happening

The third and last
The greatest fear
I have
Is that I am afraid
Of being alone
It is a crushing
Crippling weight
The weight of that fear

I am afraid of being alone
In both senses
In having no one by
My side
No one out there
In this small-wide world
Who cared
And in being able
To stand in a crowd
With numbers reaching
Ten thousands
Yet no one to
Know my name
Or worse yet
They knew my name
And my story
Yet they didn't care

These three things
Are my three fears
They might be small
At least in number
But they are
Everything

Isn't it funny?
I'm completely numb
And I'm still afraid
Perhaps I fear
My own numbness
Four fears isn't bad
Yet they are awful

I love my scars
They are long
And ugly
They twist my skin

I love my scars
They are thin
And many
They mar my hips

I love my scars
They are white
And bumpy
They criss-cross my body

I love my scars
Because they showed me
My darkest hours
All in one little line
They give me strength
Never to return there

Because I may love my scars
But I do not need more
For I am past the point
Of collecting scars

You wanted to be
My savior
My rescuer
The one to spirit me away
From all the hurt

You wanted to be
The one to fix all
My issues
And solve
All my problems

You wanted to be
The one to glue the
Itty bitty shards of myself
Back together

You wanted to be
My savior
Was it because you thought
That I was too weak
To save myself?

You can be many things
But I will not allow you
To be my savior

I am the only one
Who can save myself
That's the wonderful thing
That's the awful thing

In the end
I am the only one
Who can save myself
I am the only one
Who can **** myself

I think that you
Wanted to be my savior
Because you wanted to
Rescue a broken girl
Glue me back together

But instead of glue
Which leave broken glass people
Weak after it's all together
I used the scorching
Fires from that suffering
That you weren't allowed
To take me out of
I forged a new self from those flames
One made of steel
Instead of glass

I may have lots of
Burn scars
From smithing myself
But I think it's better
Than no scars at all

You wanted to be
My savior
Perhaps it wasn't because
You thought I was too
Weak
But maybe because
You didn't
Couldn't
Trust me to
Try to save myself

maybe you were right

What is an oxymoron:
It’s a contradiction in itself
That still exists anyway

An oxymoron
Would be thunder on
A clear day

Or an ocean
On fire
Or deafening
Silence

For a while, I wrote
People into being oxymorons
Girls with eyes that
Burned with wildfire
Yet hearts that were
Colder than the northern ice caps
(I thought that the colder
Your heart was
The better chance of being
Okay you had)

I wrote of people
Who had the gentlest hands
But the hardest eyes
I loved my story
Of the girl who was in the
Best relationship
But didn’t believe in love

I wanted to be
An oxymoron
Something hard to fathom
And figure out, something
Miraculous and curious

Then I realized
That I’ve always been an oxymoron
I’ve been told that my smiles
Were the brightest
But I’d look in the mirror and see
That my eyes were dead
And empty

I saw that I became an
Oxymoron of my own
The second that I became
A perfectly controlled catastrophe
So that my ragged edges
And awful mess
Wouldn’t touch  anyone else

I knew that I was an
Oxymoron the second that I
Started doing everything
Out of love
Yet I did not believe in
Love at all

I became an oxymoron
And I hate it
Because I want to break apart
And fall into a million pieces
But I need to hold myself
Together even if it’s agony

I am an oxymoron of sorts
And I do not know
If I am weaker
Or stronger for it

There are wings
Trapped beneath
My fragile skin

There are stars
Trapped beneath
My blue-green eyes

There are demons
Trapped beneath
My light hair

There are forests
Trapped beneath
My rib cage

There are supernovas
Trapped beneath
My fingertips

There are all these
Wild, wonderful, beautiful
Things trapped within me

But instead,
All that comes out is
Ugly, awful, hideous
Destruction

I wish you could
See my stars and forests
I wish we could explore them
I wish that I could
Show someone my wings
And fly to the supernovas
That resides in my fingertips

I want to show
All these stunning things
But they are
Trapped
Just like me

Everyone needs something
I hate needing
Needing anything
Apart from what I can
Find in myself

I hate needing
I think it makes me weak
I think that I need
Because I am weak

I thought that need was bad
I thought need was weakness
Then I met you
And I hate needing
To write this poem
About my need for you

But as much as I
Hate needing you
I could never
Hate you

I need you when
I am facing off
Against monsters
Twice my size

I need you when
Everything is perfectly
Calm and quiet
And all the stars
Hang in the sky
Waiting for two souls of the same stardust
To admire them

I need you when
Everything is going to Hell
And when it feels
As if we're in Heaven

I need you in
The morning before
The dawn has graced the sky
And at night
When the moon starts
To show her pale face

I need you in
The most innocent way
Gentle, laughing eyes
And soft smiles
In hugs and tender touches
Full of love
And hands that don't dive
Beneath folds of clothes
But instead brush my very heart
And eyes that gaze into my soul
Instead of my body

I need you in
The most passionate way
In dark, blazing eyes
Wicked smiles
Kisses pressed to my
Lips throat and spine
Full body length touches
Pressed against a wall
And hands that touch
The skin underneath my clothes
Because they've already
Touched my very heart
Eyes that gaze upon my body
And see because they've already seen my soul

I need you in every way
I need you so much
That I fear it may
Cause my destruction
Wild
Wonderful
Chaotic
Destruction

I need you
I think you may need me too
But I think
I may need you
More than you need me
Please don't ever leave

Kiss me like
I am your savior
Rescuing you
From deep
Dark water

Kiss me like
I am a feast
And you are
Starving, hungry
Desperate
For me

Kiss me like
We are to lose
All sense of time
Lost in this one kiss

Kiss me like
You are leaving
And saying goodbye
But never really leave

Kiss me like
I mean the stars
And the moon
The oceans and
Mountains and
Everything in between
To you

Kiss me like
I am your
First kiss and
You are shy

Kiss me like
You are a wildfire
And I am
Only dry tinder
To be consumed by your flames

Kiss me like
I am the last
Breath of air
On a dying planet

Kiss me like
This is everything
You want
And nothing
You want to leave

Kiss me like
You are kissing away
The sadness in
My soul

Kiss me like
You think
I should be kissed

In the end
I just want you
To kiss me

Two years ago,
I started drowning
It wasn’t bad
At first
A little tightness
In my lungs
But nothing too bad

One year ago,
I was still drowning
The air wasn’t coming
Back into my lungs
Only ice cold
Freezing water
Blackness started
Edging into my vision
But I ignored it
Because no one else around me
Was drowning
So there was no reason why
I would be, unless
I was weak
I wasn’t weak
I wasn’t drowning
Or so I said

Six months ago
I started drowning
For real, this time
There was no denying
The fact that my hands
Were turning grey
And my lungs were crying out
But my blue lips
Didn’t part to
Let out that scream
And my grey limbs wouldn’t
Flail to show someone,
Anyone at all
That I was drowning

Five months ago,
I kept drowning
I was now far from the surface
Of the water
Where it was light blue
And warm in the
Shallow ends of this water
I had far surpassed that
I was in arctic water
Deep and cold
Murky and unfathomable
Drowning, and not making
A single sound

Thirty-six days ago
I gave into drowning
Well, I had given into it
When I decided that
Greying skin and blue lips
Was fine, for me
But now, I completely gave in

Thirty-six days ago,
I wanted to drown
But I wanted to do it faster
And so I tried to hurry up
The process of drowning
Alone, in those icy waters

Thirty-four days ago
Someone dangled an oxygen mask
In front of my blue lips
They told me to put it on
But I didn’t want to

Drowning was like anything else
Once you had spent enough time
In it, you became afraid
Of what it would be like
Without it

I knew drowning
I knew its pain, I became friends with it
I was comfortable with drowning
And I knew the outcome of it
And I was okay with it

Thirty-three days ago,
Someone jumped into that awful water
Or perhaps they didn’t
Jump in, they swam over
They forced the mask between my lips
And then they stayed
It came loose, a couple times,
And I found other people who were drowning
I hated that they were drowning
But I think that we were all a little glad
To find that we weren’t alone
In our drowning

I’ve kept my oxygen mask
I’m still in that cold water
But now I have others who make sure
That I don’t drown
And I make sure that
Their masks are affixed
They do the same for me
We save each other

And now that I have
Enough air to breathe
I can see, and I can see
Other people who
Are starting to drown

So I take all my effort and energy
And I swim to them
Most of the time, they don’t have a mask
And it hurts me to see that they’re drowning
So I give them my mask
For as long as they need
Until they have their own
Sure, it hurts me, but as long as it helps them

A while ago,
I started drowning
I kept drowning for a while
But then I found others
And together, we found our way
We found our oxygen tanks
We’re still drowning
But now, we can take in enough air
To sometimes swim
A bit closer to the surface
A bit closer to
Not drowning
A bit closer
To real life
And no matter how far we fall
The others will help us start going
To the light blue, peaceful water
Water that we won’t drown in