I still wonder how you can love me
When I cannot love myself
And everyday I pray I'll find a way to see
What you see in me
And everyday I pray I'll find a way to see
What I do to make you happy

I am like the sand.
One grain amongst so many others, used and abused
By the sea, a force so much greater than the rock
I was, the shell I used to be,
The dust you turned me into.

I never let anyone get close enough
Not because I don't want them to
But because I know I'll find something to keep me away from them
I know I will find something, anything,
That I will frown upon and reject immediately
I know they'll never be you
I find the smallest default and make it this huge thing I can't get past
They'll never be you
And I can't get over you.
I never let anyone get close enough
Because I can't be hurt again
Because the wound is so deep
And hurts so much
And there's only so much I can take before I die
And I don't want to die
I want to live
But you ruined it
Destroying all my feelings like a Viking on a mission
Setting fire to my emotions
Drowning my hope in your hate
Runining what you could and leaving the field empty
Destroyed
Hopeless
I never let anyone get close enough
Not because I don't want them to
But because they'll never be you
And my body remembers your touch
And my heart remembers your voice
And every little things
And you're not them
And they're not you
And I burn inside
And I died inside
And I wish it wasn't over
But I wish to never see you again

I can see them swirling over me
Shadows of our past, shadows of our love
Like angels with dark wings
They try to bring me back down
Back down in your loving
But they won’t fool me again
Because they’re lying, there’s no more loving
How should I believe it
When you held me so tight ?
How should I believe it
When you loved me so right ?

You only look
You never see
Right through me

I have felt death
Its bony fingers on my soul
Its cold breath on my skin
I have felt what it felt like
Not to need air
Not to exist anymore
To be a shadow around those alive
To be a ghost wandering
Tip toeing around the living
Trying to get people's attention and realizing
Too late
You are nothing to anyone
I have felt death
Its murmur giving me chills
The words whispers on my lips
Barely there yet awake like opened eyes
Moving back and forth against my tongue
Words of oblivion

Love is a weapon and you shot me twice
Once when you looked my way
Once when you turned away

35 400 words.
200 poems.
That is a lot of words for a soul to bear

He was like my father
Gentle
Funny
Kind smile that told many stories
Most of it wasn't painful it was
Peaceful
An expression I haven't found in many smiles
Like soft horizons his eyes
Calmed my exalted soul
And the possibility of a future
I
Would wake up to those eyes
Secure
Warm
Safe
Soft
Kind
Gentle
It was exhilarating
I wanted that future so badly I missed out on the obvious
Immediate future
Where he was offering his story
To a girl who was not broken as I was

*(Maybe stitching me together would have been hard.
But sewing me now would be impossible.
You dropped me from a high and I am in pieces)

When I was younger I wanted to be
A fairy
But now that I'm older I want to be
A writer
I cannot pretend I know how to fly anymore but I
Can still move in the sky of my imagination I
Am a bird with written wings
I fly away with the words in my head I
Create a path in the sky of my dreams I
Wanted to be a princess
But now that I'm older I want to be
A poet
I cannot ask for a prince to come and rescue me
Like I did before but I can ask for a
Pen and paper to write down my escape
Because my hands are skilled with the words to
Create a staircase from my golden cage I
Can write down each step I take as I
Slay the dragon with my own sword I
Can rescue myself
Words are powerful I
Wanted to be a bird
But now that I'm older I want to be
An artist
I can paint a world with the tips of my fingers I
Can write a perfect ending with the talented tip of my pen I
Can create everything from the top of my head to the tip of my toe
Tippy toe tippy toe
I am a happy drunk
I drink down the poetry in my head I
Get drunk on words and colors
I **** myself with passion but
I survive everytime I
Create a world I want to live in I
Wanted to be
Happy
And now that I'm older I still want to be
Happy
I work everyday to be glad I am alive
In a ****** world but still I
Imagine a perfect world and as I write down the words of perfection I
Feel the smile upon my face
I am the creator of my own happiness I
Create a perfect world I
Am
Happy.

You turn to me and break me up
Little pieces scattered to the floor
Danger in the sharp edges
If you tease me again
If can make you bleed
If you care you will leave me alone
If you care you'll let me move along
If you ever cared about me at all
You will turn around and let me be
The clock ticks and
Memory fades
Each second makes you disappear
A little bit further
Down memory lane
You will inhabit one of the houses I built for my memories
And I will come and visit
Until I forget about the number of the house
17
And the colour of the door
Blue
The last time I knocked
18 days ago
How long it has been since I heard your voice
432 hours
And how if feels to hear you steps following mine
Your hand wrapped around mine
Your legs in between mine
The smiles you throw at me
And I wish I could catch them all because I make you
Happy.
So happy you smile all the time, even when I am not here.
And I wish I could bottle your smile up
And open the sound of your laughter when I am all alone
And you are
Long gone.

Life is always prettier when I have someone to think of.
Life has been prettier since I met you.
Everything about you shine, and it sparkles on me, making me blush every time.
You sprinkle love on my heart, like snow on the earth.
When you smile, my heart blooms.
Butterflies keep flying in my stomach.
Lightheaded, that’s how I feel whenever you’re around,
You stole my heart heavy of love.
I wish I could keep it inside my chest.
I wish I wouldn’t stutter over words.
I wish I could think properly.
It’s what you do to me.
You’re the thief and I’m the victim.
Oh so lovely prey.
A beating heart. Fluttering for you.
No one else makes it rush like that.
Oh so lovely thief.
What if I say I love you?
What if I say you made my life worth living again?
You’re the prettiest thing I’ve ever seen.
You’re the one.
Life is so much easier when I think about you.
Oh how I wish you were mine!
Oh how I wish you’d feel the same!

It's so right
But it's so wrong
The way you smile
Makes me feel strong

I got a little lost
Turned around and couldn’t find my way back
Still
  Everyone                                           ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­    gets
                                                              ­                           lost
Some find their way back
Some do                                  
                                                  not.
I am still searching for pieces of myself to add
Glue to my body
Attach to my soul
Increase my density
Like the Sun who ***** the void in
Who inhales the space around
Widen
Swell up
Fill up the


S             P            A              C              E


And still shines
And still grows

I have lost myself again
But it is not to say I will not
Find myself afresh
In between the words I write to
Expand
Widen
**** up
All the space available
At the edge of my spirit
And inside my tortured mind

*(If I find myself, will I find you there?)

When you call my name but still act the same
When you play a trick on me I'm ecstatic
If you feel good then you're delusionnal
It's not about the way you feel
When I'm in between
It's about the truths you say in the silence
*Afterwards

It's the smell of home
After days of waking up on your own
The house is quiet but they are around
Sleeping soundly
Their dreams
Playing a soundless music
In the background

I should be doing homework instead I am still here.

You look at her
When you take my hand
You see her eyes
When you stare at me
Everything you do with me
Is done with her instead
In your mind you trade places
Switch us both and I know
I know
But I turn the other way
You know
I love you too much
To turn around and walk away

I am exactly the way you left me
In the wintery day you said I wasn't worthy
The snow has turned me to ice
Like the words spit from your lips turned my heart to glass
So easily shattered
Icebergs of the past revealing the truth of thousands of years in hiding
Brittle bones and DNA
As if you didn't know pain is only temporary
But traces of love last forever
No matter how broken I am
Memories of completeness linger at the back of my mind
Surface back in my dreams like ice cubes in water
Slowly dissolving, transparent and ever changing
Ever alive
A few deep breaths and I see smoke
From the dragon lungs I own
Since the day you turned my heart to ashes
And every season it burst aflame again
Each time a breath comes out
So does the smoke from my burned spirit
And I am back on track
Not the girl I once was
But stronger and weaker at the same time
Strong, lonely and sad… just like you
Hard to love
And be loved
Hard to break
Too tough for you
Sparks flew then it was over
And the only memories I own are those the flames consumed
With burning passion the love evaporated in the heat
Just like the breath of life
I insuflated in your lungs
With my cold cold soul
I am exactly the way you left me
And moving on isn't easy

I did not cherish
Our conversations enough
Words tumbled out of you like a fountain
They rippled
They gurgled
They splashed
Out of you
I thought you were a fountain
Tall and loud
Confident in your fall
Everlasting
But who was I to know you were a pond
Insides clogging with Algae
But who was I to know she was a sun
She dried you out
From under you were dying
She didn't see
Or perhaps she didn't care
And I wish I had sipped every drop you gave me when I had the chance
Because now
I am
Just
So
Thirsty
I cannot drink water when I have tasted yours
I am addicted to your taste
Drinking you is like poetry
Sweet and aggressive
Soft and strong
Addictive
Like the conversations we had.

My skin used to be the map of me
An address in a world full of more interesting places to visit but
Since you came into my life
My skin is a map of the universe
My freckles are stars
My scars are meteor hits
And my eyes are the only planets that matter
As long as they can watch you make me a universe
A galaxy that longs to be explored
With careful fingers and soft touches
Creating black holes and constellations
All of me is a map you created.

I took one look at you
And I knew I was through
You busted my heart open
With a knife you split it wide open
And I can only remember how surprised you looked
When you realized the person who stumbled out
Was you.

I blame you for everything that is wrong on this planet I
Blame you for the feeling you inject in me everyday
A dose of fear and loathing to despise myself even more
It doesn't matter
How beautiful I am, how nice I am, how respectful I am
YOU
Resent me and make me abhor myself to feel better
You are popular and yet the message you send across those who love you is to
CHANGE everything you are to be someone else because
I am not perfect the way I am
I
Think by myself
Reject your opinion
Vote against you
Resist the pressure to be perfect I
Am courageous enough to protest and
Yell out loud everything that is wrong with the system I
Am no longer vulnerable I no longer
Doubt myself
Fear you
I make my own choices and I resist
YOU ATTACK US
WE WILL FIGHT BACK
The words carved in stone
Magazines
Ads
Commercials
Tv
everywhere
Are washed away by thousands of steps taken to drown you
With our voices we drown you
With our voices we yell out that it takes
Courage
Love
Empathy
Strength
Audacity
Determination
Tenaci­ty
To endure the constant pressure to be better than who we already are and
We will not stand for it anymore
We refuse you
We take over
We
Are a two letter word that describes your end as we stand together against
You
May be one letter stronger than
Us
But we won't give up on our freedom
We have fought forever and forever we will continue
To make you realize
We
Are stronger than
You
Can't win.

When I looked into your eyes
You had already disappeared.

Nothing really matters
Not when I'm on my own
Not when I'm all alone
Thinking to myself
This is what you get
You go around thinking you know everything
Thinking you know better than everyone
When really they know better than you
You
Who
Don't even remember the last time you said you loved someone
You
Who
Live on your own and think it's all good when you're just lying to yourself
Lying
Lying
Just lying
Because the truth is too hard to handle
Because the truth is that you are guilty for feeling sad
You have everything you could ask for
A family that loves you
A good situation
Food on the table every night
A few friends who cares
The opportunity to study abroad
The chance to travel around the world at least once a year
The perfect life
You've got it all
And yet you feel sad, more often than not
And you don't want to think about it or complain
Because those are feelings you shouldn't ever have
Your life is perfect
You've got it all
Why would you ever be sad
When people are homeless?
When people are abused?
When people die of hunger?
When people are killed?
When people have reasons to be unhappy?
Why would you ever be sad?
You don't get to be sad when you have a perfect life
You don't get to complain
You get to sit in your room and cry when no one is watching
Because you're ashamed of your feelings
You get to act tough and untouchable when all you want is to crawl into somebody's arms and let them hug you
But you don't
Because your situation is good
And you have no reason to be sad
They all tell you to cut it out
You can't even sigh because nothing
Nothing
Nothing is wrong with your life
And you feel ashamed
Guilty
Guilty all the time
But the people in your life
They don't even see it
They don't see the hurt
Just the façade
No one ever tried to look over your wall and watch as the ruins of yourself burn and explode in pain
Pain because no one is here to built anything with you
No one cares enough to see you are just a shell of perfection
A shell of a person
A shell that can break under someone's feet
You are more than that
And no one sees it
Because they don't even care
They don't bother
They have problems of their own
Guilty because you were born on the good side of the barrier
You know the taste of good food
You know the feeling of a good bed
You've got it all and it's not enough
And as you break inside no one watches and you crumble
And your shell of perfection holds on
It holds on and on and on
And maybe forever it will stand
Leaving you behind those high walls, on your own, in your shield
Alone and scared and ashamed and guilty and hurt
And smiling
Smiling because you can't be sad

I am trapped in a sea of people looking the same.
A head full of hollow thoughts
I stare blankly at a galaxy
Across a universe to a future that doesn't look anything like the past
An ocean of sadness and emptiness,
Never wavering,
But never moving forward either.
We are heading toward the same nameless goal,
Looking up to the same empty sky with no promises of a brighter tomorrow.
A past made of clay…
We waited too long to move
Now we cannot turn back.
We are prisoners of our own bodies.

There are few things I regret in my life
But this one thing,
I keep going back to.
I wish I had found a best friend.
Someone who would have seen me evolve into the woman I am now.
Someone who would know all the good, and all the bad in me.
Someone who would pick up on the first ring when I called.
Someone I could talk to about everything.
Someone with whom I would have built an empire of memories.
Someone who would be a recurrent character in the story of my life.
Someone who would be proud of me.
Someone who would unleash all the great and awful things inside of me.
Someone who would appear on every holiday pictures, every year.
Someone who would tell me to cut it out if needed.
Someone I could talk to.
Someone who could talk to me.
Someone I could fight against one minute, and die laughing the next.
Someone I would let read my writings.
Someone I would have no shame around, and who would have no shame around me.
Someone so dear to me I could say "I'd take a bullet for you" and mean it.
Someone who would know how I sleep, and how I laugh, and where I hide.
Someone who would gather me into his arms and say nothing, because he would know.
Someone who would want to look up at the stars with me.
Someone who would know my biggest dream.
Someone who would be there when I make it happen.
Someone I would worship because we would be on a whole different level of friendship.
Someone who would never judge me.
Someone who would make fun of me for my choices, but support me all the same.
Someone I could do all these things for.
Someone I could love and cherish.
Someone who would not be my family.
Someone who would have chosen me just because of me.
Because of who I am.
Because he would have made the decision that I was worth all of it.
Because I would be enough.
Because I would feel like I was enough.
Because he would fill the dark hole in my heart.
Because he would light up a candle and watch over it forever.
Because he would surprise me by being a she.
Because I would not have to wonder what gender he/she would be.
Because I would not have to imagine any of this.
Because it would be Destiny working its magic.
But I guess Destiny did not have me in her plans.