.       **You're A Gift From God              
                  At His Moment
                           Of Joy

I wanted to jump into your skin
and navigate my way through your veins.
I wanted to sneak into your blood
and flow to every inch of you.
I wanted to leave no corner untouched
I wanted to be what you needed to survive
and what you couldn't live without.
But you wanted me gone
like I was a disease.
You wanted to be prescribed medicine that would get rid of me
once and for all.
I choked on my words
when I told you that you were the moments I wanted to remember
but the syllables rolled so effortlessly off your tongue
when you told me that you had already forgotten.
I looked into your eyes and I thought I saw myself
but when I checked a second time there was a no vacancy sign
I had not yet recognized.
I wondered what you saw when you looked into mine
and it struck me that maybe you never really had.
Maybe you didn't even know what I had eyes
because apparently you didn't know that I had a heart
and a soul
and a brain
and a ******* backbone
because you never saw those parts of me
when we were laying alone
drunk and half-clothed.
You never saw my heart and soul because
I never responded when the whole bottle of *** you drank
told me it loved me.
You never saw my brain because you never asked me about my life
or what I was passionate about.
And you never saw my backbone because every time you called me
I would gladly come.
To you I was merely the clear liquid you poured down your throat
until you couldn't see or walk straight.
To me you were so much more
than the contents of a shot glass
but ****, you burned like those drinks did
but with you it didn't stop in my throat
and I couldn't chase you down
with some carbonated beverage
no,
you stuck around and burned through every last part of me
until there was nothing left but ashes
like the ones you find in the remnants of an old house
barely recognizable,
the entire foundation crumbled.
No one could ever tell how beautiful the house once was
or how the light used to shine through the giant windows in the morning.
They could only see what it became.
Nothing.
Nothing like what you told me you felt.
In the middle of the night when you couldn't sleep
it wasn't me who was running across your mind.
Nothing like when I picked you up from that party
because you were too drunk to drive
and you left your contact on my seat
and I threw it away.
Nothing like when I woke up at 3 am in your bed
and my mom asked me what I'd been doing all night
and that is what I told her.
Nothing.
Nothing like what I saw when you led me down the steps to your pool
and it was so dark that I didn't know
anything else existed besides us two.
Nothing like what you told everyone else what we were
even though I did everything for you
for longer than I can even remember
and even though you made
two summers a little bit hotter
and the sun move a little bit closer to the Earth
because they envied us
and wanted to be together too.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing
And if I say it too many times
the word starts to change.
It gets stuck on my tongue
and turns into something else
and for so long I thought our nothing
would turn into something else too
but I was wrong.
Because people aren't like words.
You can't change them or make them to what you want.
If they are nothing,
nothing they will stay.

Why are those dressed in black always so in pain?
Ever looked at your reflected image in the irises of a dark-eyed person?
You can't see yourself in lightly-colored eyes
You can see your reflection better in black
And those who dress in black
Are surrounded by it
They see their own image everyday
Their own flaws flashing back at them, everywhere they look

If you had to get that drunk to **** me like you wanted it,
I think we have serious issues between us.

I don't think we'll talk about it.

Naming objects more affectionately than people,
something stupid I hate to see in others.
Mother Brain stirs the ***, and Kraid
growls infinitely, or purrs in context.

Cheap and lonely, dressed well for someone
who used to be a teenager, but in shambles and
letting it all go to **** freely and crying in joy
at incoming apocalypse.
Nuclear, biological, biblical, bubonic, revolutionary[?].

Sleep in filth, gravity feels like the proper force
we mistook for the human soul.
The center of balance is what we thought was a third eye.
We're ******* idiots is why;
we thought dreams were some kind of heaven.
The sun was god. The earth was flat. Miracles happened.

If we're being honest, we use superstition as a crutch
to elevate beyond our ****** means and pretend
everything is going to be better than what it is.
If we didn't believe in love, and god, and karma, and ghosts,
we'd all go insane from the ******* sanity.
We eat **** to wash our palette for human flesh.

We poison ourselves to imagine we live like royals.

I look up
I see lies
I look across
I see lies
I look in
I see lies
In every man's eyes
I see manipulation
The only truth I've known
Came  only for redemption
So fickle so true
My souls about as good
As one from a shoe
Beat me up take me down
I wont know any different
Inexperience is the death of the innocent

My days seem to be longing someone.
My mornings feel like
I can't go back to anything anymore that I wanted before.
I've been writing about how I feel about a lot of things lately, I dont really know how to organize them.
I feel like meditation has really kept me from punching holes in the wall lately.
I feel like tripping has kept me from overthinking real situations, it's been a while though.
I've been keeping it natural.
There's so much more to everything, I feel like meaning is so expensive these days.
I've lost the concept of options.
These numbers are useless.
I've noticed the moment something catches a persons eye they pull out their phone instead of cherishing at the moment.
Swear words are becoming part of our culture now.
Your memory is worth more.
I'll doubt you if you're material.
Flexing thoughts and not what makes them that way with $20 on social media.
I was just playing around with perception, nothing serious.
I tried committing suicide in social media, but people worry too much and start hitting up my phone.
Funny how if you don't respond to a text they automatically think something is wrong.
Acceptance shouldn't be this easy, but all of a sudden it is for me.
Lately everything seems so spiritual, I'm glad I'm not overthinking things to a negative perspective.
Weekly tests just to give my mom some reassurance.
Trust is on it's way along with a motor.
I scrapped my knees, and this is really weird.
Can't really open up anymore, ears just hear and careness is absent.

**** yeah to the teenagers who make an effort to wake up every morning
to the teenagers who feel like **** but continue with their day
to the teenagers who want to **** themselves but don't
just know that you are beautiful, amazing and worth more then you know

my mother asked me why i was crying in my sleep
and i brushed it off as no big deal;
just a bad dream.
truth be told, it was you i dreamed of,
and i was crying because i had woken up.
when i opened my eyes i lost your touch.
i lost your eyes,
watching mine.
i lost your smile.
waking up, I lost it all.
now I'll spend all day hoping you'll call,
at the end of the day i'll just fall
onto my bed which holds memories of you
and there's nothing i can do.
but sit and wait for you
and drift to sleep in the hopes you'll come back.
i can hear my heart break i can hear it crack.
"he's never ever ever ever ever coming back"