I say you were the wrong man,
       Rather than call it poor timing.
All I want is to help you,
     You've never been good at helping.
Sometimes I think that I've lost you,
     Although you still say you love me.
Is it all in my head?
        Every man out to get me?
Sometimes it makes me feel sick,
        I just want you to be happy.
Sometimes I think I might hate you,
                                                               Or I just shamefully crave you.
Can I still call you my friend?
         With this blatant omission?
And when you look in my eyes,
         Do you see desperation?
I think I need a new prize,
    Escape my humiliation.
I need to trip ***** in Sweden,
Be free from your validation.

Here I am 5 years later.

I’m asleep but I dream about the stress of a job that I dreamed of years prior. I cry over a job that I once cried in passion for. I think about the job just as much as I did those years ago, but for different reasons.

Today is an exact reflection of what you were thinking five years ago, someone said to me. It was all a thought you had five years ago. It made me happy, yes- emotional, too. But I wonder how much of that emotion was indeed for my accomplishments in that time frame. Did I feel unsettled, like I had seen the accumulation of five years of seemingly wasted efforts?

But I love my job, I tell myself. This is who you were meant to be, others tell me.

Do I exaggerate as I write this? Surely.
but that small voice I’ve been burying seems to be finding some confidence as of late. Or maybe it has always been there, just growing concerned for me?

It’s okay, I’ll figure it out.

It's cold out.
I'm clinging to my wit while the cold air hits my body.
my skin feels dry, cold and frosted.
My head is filled with tired thoughts.
My heart is beating slower and slower.
My bones feel fragile.
It all doesn't feel right.
is it just me? or just the snow?

heaven on earth.
a strange phrase for such a dreadful place.
i always ask myself, "what makes earth so.. peaceful?"
I have yet to get answer.
sitting here, hearing the rain drip down buildings and houses.
Maybe I can count to a thousand reasons why.
maybe I'm just delusional.
heaven.
that word.
makes very many people happy.
but why not me?
am i afraid?
or am i just dull.
earth.
a planet we humans call home.
but are we really home?
questions like these keep me up at night.
heaven on earth.
why is it so cold?

Today's sunlight will forever be my eternal darkness

writing isn't easy when
the only language i speak
is that of her laugh

I love how you imagine us together
Oh how knifes are so pretty.

Problem solving is about mental checklists:
1. Getting the "groceries";
2. Not getting munchies.

In divine revelation, two explanations go together if they are on the same subject.
If not, they usually are counters of each other in my heart, unifying only in wisdom.
Or, they can never morph their qualities into different ones.
Same for linear algebra.

In Plato's pedagogy of music, philosophy, then physics, math progresses from simple sound differences, to logic, to matter and space, because these mirror denser aspects of reflection requiring greater precision.