Fear

I am afraid now
That the words
I am getting
Are a warning
Of future events
I will be mourning
Must put this fear aside
Let the words ride
Express what is inside
From what I am trying to hide
Cannot let fear abide

Verse 1
I didn’t even drink that night, well not a lot.
I’d learned my lesson with that and well,
I trusted him.
Liked him, even. He’d asked me out and I said no,
But I was going to tell him that night that I’d changed my mind.

We’d been together all day,
Just hanging out,
Having a good time.

Always at my expense though
He couldn’t laugh without
Making fun of me.

Chorus
(I didn’t say no.)

Verse 2
He went out of his way to buy me things.
Gave me rides to places,
Went on long walks,
We were such good friends!

We gave each other the cold, hard naked truth.
No questions asked.
I thought I knew quite a bit about how the world worked.
But he said my truth was ugly.
That I had no redeeming qualities
That it was all my fault for being in the wrong place
At the wrong time
And I was wrong for wanting someone to love me despite this.

Chorus
(I didn’t say no.)

Verse 3
He came into the room while I was sleeping.
We’d gone into separate rooms on purpose.
Someone believed I cared enough about myself
To choose.

I didn’t have a ride home.
So I stayed.

(Bridge)
And,


I hated it. Every minute of his hands on my body.
I hated the way he smelled, stale beer and trail mix,
His crooked teeth and visible nose hair.
I hated his ability to lose everything that made him “him”
I hated the way HE STOPPED ME! from “adding another notch in my belt”
Because he didn’t want to “be another number”

I was so angry!
He knew my story, knew my life and still...
He was on top of me, and I couldn’t say no.
When he shoved his finger inside of me...I...froze.
All this time had passed with me underneath him with my heart pounding, and I was sure he HEARD me say no but I didn’t SAY no.

When my friend put his face near mine and told me I wanted this to happen, that I owed him for all the favors I thought were mutual,
I cried but not out loud because I had to “finish” to win.
And all I had to do was say no. That's what he said. Just tell me no and I'll stop.
The liar. THE LIAR!

He didn't stop.

And,

When I saw my face in the mirror, my soul broke.

Because I became his beginning and his ending.

I just...stopped existing.

(Chorus)
And,

I didn’t say no.
I didn’t say no.
I didn’t say no.
I didn’t say no.
I didn’t say no.
I didn’t say no.
I didn’t say no.
Repeat x...

Coffee and cigarettes
I tell myself I have
Coffee and cigarettes
"You don't need food tonight."
Drink coffee.
Smoke cigarettes.
Ignore the rumbling.
"You don't need to eat."

Just one more meal, I tell myself
Is it a lie?
Is it the truth?
It doesn't matter
I shovel bite after bite into my mouth
Chew.
Swallow.
Choke.
Keep it in.
"Just one more bite."
It's therapeutic

My stomach is rumbling
No, I tell myself
"You just ate."
I feel nauseous
"You don't need to eat."
My body is tingling
"You're still full."
[Let's do something about it, then.]
I eat and I eat and I eat and I eat and I...

I puke.
I watch my body expel all that I ingested.
My forehead is wet
And so is my nape
My body is shaking
Make it stop
My body doesn't listen
I puke
I heave
I retch
I gasp
There, you're not full anymore.

I tell myself it's the cigarettes
I watch my food go down the drain
Too much smoke in my lungs
Too much nicotine in my veins
[Too many lies in your head.]
"Ignore it."
I wipe away the tears
I escape
My stomach rumbles
I need food
So I eat

Coffee
Cigarettes
They make me hungry
I'm always hungry
My stomach is constantly rumbling
Never satisfied
Never pleased
"I'm full."
[Let's do something about it.]
"Please don't."
[Too late.]
I eat and I eat and I eat and I eat and I...

I cry.

Staring at the ceiling
wondering how fast
it got so wrong

Felt like speeding
on an empty highway
only to crash
into nothingness

And I wonder
how fast
It got so wrong

Out of
The blue
Thin air

Were there any signals?
Besides my beating heart?
Any signs?
Other than my shaking limbs?
Any symptoms,
Apart from my heavy breathing?

Remember the time,
you stood beside me
watching the milky orange sunset?

"Waves are warnings," you said

And what, may I ask, were our waves?

The lonely afternoons?
Or the empty glances?
Were they the motionless emotions?
Or the spitting of unsaid words?

"Waves are warnings,"
But viewers see them as natural blessings

And who's to say warnings are not?

I think of dying a lot.
Almost every day it seems.
My mind is consumed by the thought that,
Possibly,
one day,
I will simply cease to exist.
My brain doesn't understand,
it cannot comprehend,
the brevity of these thoughts.
Not existing isn't an option, it goes against human instinct.

A part of me hopes there is life after death,
That with all the possible universes and timelines,
We can simply switch from this one to the next.

The anxious part of me,
the largest parts of me,
panic at the idea of having no air or sun or life.
Nothing, not even awareness of the absence of something.

As empty as I am, or have been,
I still fight.
I fight to stay alive and to experience all of the wonderful moments that exist in this life.
I want to travel to unknown Italian islands and see the way the sun sets in Thailand.

Why am I stuck in this bubble, this little corner of Earth, when there is so much more to explore?

I am afraid of dying, without ever having the opportunity to live.

I feel like I owe this to you,
even though I don't know your last name.
I don't know how you smile
when he tells you that you're beautiful,
and I don't know how you feel inside
when you're both laying in bed at night
after he takes what he doesn't deserve.
I don't know how you'll react
when you're finally honest with yourself
and realize that he is a prizefighter
and being with him is like a boxing match,
that you won't win without a struggle.
And every time the bell sounds
you'll be less and less equip to defend yourself
the longer you allow him
to keep ******* at
your sense of self.

So let me be your cutman,
wiping the sweat from your brow
and strongly suggesting you forfeit;
because eventually
his charisma and charm
will seem like a distant memory
and you'll forget
why you started this fight at all.
I guess I'm just trying to say
get out with your integrity intact,
while you still can,
and I hope
you never have to feel
the way I felt.