The walls around me
are tight
They close in.

A seemingly endless maze
of monochrome
full of sharp turns

A piece of the sky
I look up upon
Bright and blue

Not unlike you.

The wall was white
Aside from the small gray crack in it
I couldn't stop staring though
Even though the sight of it never changed
I just kept watching it
Watching the crack blur in and out of focus
Kept thinking
I don't want to forget
I don't want to be okay
In those hours when I couldn't sleep
When I watched the sun sink and rise without blinking
When I was sick with regret
And longing
And hurt
I didn't want to forget it
I knew time would heal me
Knew that everyone's words were true
And I'd someday feel acceptance
Instead of grief
But I didn't want it
I wanted the gaping wound to swallow me
To live on and plague me
To carve it's way inside of me day in and day out
I needed it
That pain was all I had left of you
The howling despair
The crippling anxiety
The dull and glassy eyes
I needed those things so badly
That the thought of losing them burned me
It made my insides roil and turn
The thought of ever being okay without you
Was a thought I couldn't bear
I needed to miss you
To loathe a life you weren't a part of
I needed to long for you
So desperately that my lungs ached
And my temples were sore
I had already lost you
I couldn't lose the pain of it too
I couldn't lose that feeling
I suppose I was afraid
Afraid that if I lost that pain
Or if I forgot you for even a single day
That I'd forget about how I loved you
I didn't know it then
That kind of memory can't be lost
That love endures even after it shouldn't
Time has healed me
Wounds have closed
The months I spent agonizing passed
The rivers I cried have emptied
But the memory of you never faded
The love I have for you never dissipated
To this day, I can still see you
Still remember you
And I've learned
That there will be a thousand white walls
There will be millions of tiny cracks in them
And I will always remember the holes you left in me
But more so I'll remember the spaces you filled
I am okay
I am the very thing that terrified me
But I have not forgotten
Mourning you still lives with me
Loving you still burns in me
And memories of you still linger

I broke my back to climb a wall
Almost got to the top this time
Foot slipped this time

You grabbed my hand
Fingers tracing vines against my skin
And pushed me down to the bottom again
I broke my back in the fall

I can see you there,
hiding behind your wall.
well I’ll climb right over it,
I’m not afraid to fall.
Besides, I can always start climbing again,
what’s a few bruises and scrapes between friends?!
I’ll find you where you are hiding
and I’ll try to help you see,
How much I really care for you
and how much you mean to me.
I understand it’s been easier,
to build your wall instead of getting hurt,
so I won’t come along and smash it down,
instead I’ll sit with you in the dirt.
I’ll help you to install a gate
so sometimes I can come through,
I’ll try to help repair the cracks,
using love and kindness for the glue.
I’ll fill some gaps with flowers,
to bring some colour to your life,
their beauty keeping you hopeful,
when your mind is in trouble and strife.
One Day you’ll be strong enough
to come out from where you hide
and it won’t be so scary
for you to allow me to see inside.
But until that day I’ll keep scaling your wall,
and planting my flowers in the gaps,
hopefully they will help you to see
there’s beauty within the cracks.
For I refuse to leave you hiding alone,
So I’ll keep climbing, stone by stone.

We splashed colors on the blank walls
And made funny faces at each other.
With my little steps and
Yours which were bigger,
We ran around the little house
And made me a hero at 5 years old.
I miss that little house,
When we were still close
And only four walls surrounded us.
Now there are more halls and walls,
A maze too tiring to figure out
And you and I were lost at both ends,
No longer chasing each other,
But too busy in our own lives.

I miss you, mama.
But, I hope your new four walls
With your new little prince
Would have a better ending
Than you and I.