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Llila Jun 10
I am too hard to love
Too ******* the eye to look at without squinting

I am too stiff to hold
Too cold against your skin for comfort

I am too quiet to be heard
So I scream but I forget what to scream about
And then I'm just screaming

I am too big to cradle
My limbs too long and my heart too bitter
To be rocked back and forth

I am too soft
Too ready to cry
Too ready to say yes out of fear of losing

I am too afraid

I exist too largely
Taking up space in all the nooks and crannies
My feelings spilling out into places they shouldn’t be

I am too heavy
My brain oozing, rotten from the pressure of me
My thoughts now turned to mush and impossible to decipher

I am too hard to love
Too confused and volatile to trust

I am too stiff to hold
I cut off my hands to stop them from hurting and
Now I can’t hold you back
**** spoken word
Llila Feb 9
loving is like sleeping with a razor blade
it will cut you up in your sleep
and you’re a fool for thinking it wouldn’t
melodramatic and sleep deprived
Llila Feb 8
I broke my back to climb a wall
Almost got to the top this time
Foot slipped this time

You grabbed my hand
Fingers tracing vines against my skin
And pushed me down to the bottom again
I broke my back in the fall
Llila Feb 8
please would you hold me
i ask
please look upon me
and do not cringe
or recoil
please would you hold me
i beg
Llila Feb 6
I am but a prisoner to your affections
I am:
Self Shackled
Noose Tied
Hanging on to your every word.

I dare not speak,
For when I do,
Rivers of rot,
Spill out unto you.
putting all my eggs into a half collapsed basket i guess
Llila Sep 2017
i miss you even though you were never mine
                                    i miss you
even though nothing between us has changed
                                    i miss you
        even though i've convinced myself that
                         you deserve someone
                              better than me
                                  i miss you
            and you don't even notice the change
                                 i miss you
      even though i barely know your last name
                    you are not mine to miss
                                   and yet
                      i miss you all the same
Llila Jul 2016
The future is a blur of smudged paint
Dragged across the canvas by inexperienced shaking hands
They tell me it is beautiful
But I can only see the mess that I have made
The sickly brown smeared across my palms that however hard I try
I cannot wash away

I cannot dream in future vision
I cannot slip those time traveler lenses over my eyes
I cannot see the ultraviolet, only the ultra-violent
And I bleed away my worries in words that no one shall ever read
And I scream away my sorrows in voices that never belonged to me

The future is a daydream,
Bright skies and gentle waves
That wash away my purple fingertips
And yet when I dream of my own
Those waves become polluted, the sky falls upon the crashing waves
Drowning my fingertips in their suffocating embrace and tightening the nooses on my toes

My future is non-existent
It is late night conversation to keep the day away a little longer
It is glances through crowds of people who, like you and I, will die eventually
It is your face breaking apart with a smile that expels so much light- so much goodness
My future is a daydream, a night dream and all the in-between
My future is the terrifying unknown

My future is sitting at bus stops waiting for a taxi
And knowing that it will never come
But waiting anyway just so that I can watch the sunset
It is snow storms and rainy days
It is running barefoot through a field with no real direction
It is counting the stars at midday

I tell myself that my future is non-existent
And yet
It is so full and so bright
It may not last forever
And I will die, as will you.
But this moment
This is the future.
This is rolling skies and glittering streams.
It is streetlamps that never seem to turn off
And streets that I don't yet know the names of.

My future is a blur of smudged paint
And though it may not be clear or simple
It is wonderful and it is mine.
This one is pretty awful but here it is
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