Is anyone even out there?
Are you even listening anymore?

I am too hard to love
Too ******* the eye to look at without squinting

I am too stiff to hold
Too cold against your skin for comfort

I am too quiet to be heard
So I scream but I forget what to scream about
And then I'm just screaming

I am too big to cradle
My limbs too long and my heart too bitter
To be rocked back and forth

I am too soft
Too ready to cry
Too ready to say yes out of fear of losing

I am too afraid

I exist too largely
Taking up space in all the nooks and crannies
My feelings spilling out into places they shouldn’t be

I am too heavy
My brain oozing, rotten from the pressure of me
My thoughts now turned to mush and impossible to decipher

I am too hard to love
Too confused and volatile to trust

I am too stiff to hold
I cut off my hands to stop them from hurting and
Now I can’t hold you back

loving is like sleeping with a razor blade
it will cut you up in your sleep
and you’re a fool for thinking it wouldn’t

I broke my back to climb a wall
Almost got to the top this time
Foot slipped this time

You grabbed my hand
Fingers tracing vines against my skin
And pushed me down to the bottom again
I broke my back in the fall

I am but a prisoner to your affections
I am:
Self Shackled
Noose Tied
Hanging on to your every word.

I dare not speak,
For when I do,
Rivers of rot,
Spill out unto you.

i miss you even though you were never mine
                                    i miss you
even though nothing between us has changed
                                    i miss you
        even though i've convinced myself that
                         you deserve someone
                              better than me
                                  i miss you
            and you don't even notice the change
                                 i miss you
      even though i barely know your last name
                    
                    you are not mine to miss
                                   and yet
                      i miss you all the same