I'm sorry I hurt you, I'm sorry you lied
I'm sorry for nights when I left your side
I'm sorry that I was the cause of your grief
Blind to your hurt as I chased my relief

I love you. I love you. You'll always be mine
I'm sorry I made you think you had to hide
I'm sorry that two years has made such a rift
I'm sorry for all the days I spent adrift

I'm sorry that I was the reason for hate
I'm sorry my back turned while you lay awake
I'm sorry my actions have led you astray
Just come back to me, I promise I'll stay

The day that faded into black, the mist that was thick
Tears that fell from the skies, the people on that list
I know that I told you , but I promise I'm not lying
I know that you don't believe me, but then why would I be crying?
I'm sorry that I hurt you, it's because I cared
I didn't know who to go for, I didn't know but I was scared
I thought I had a purpose, but I guess I'm just tied
I promise that I am these things, I promise I didn't lie
I don't want the day to fall, because then I will too
I don't want to go to sleep, because I might forget you
I know that it's not worth it, but where else do I go
This world is full of places that even I wouldn't know
A place up in the stars that seems to welcome my embrace
A world full of colors, and a world without hate
A world without torture, and a world without fights
A world without words that hurt, the fear of picking sides
Up above I could go, right here and now
Up above I could go, to escape from these words too loud
But fear keeps me in chains, and I know lord: You will question
Why I don't let go of it, why I choose to listen
And I know you see my scars, and me convinced I shouldn't
Believe in you, because I simply just couldn't
When in reality, I could, and I could hold them still
Even when I'm gone with my grave up on that hill
I'll become the night that blew up with color
I'll become the connection between two friends, or lovers
I'll become the air you breathe, and the water that you drink
I'll become the blood that you beat, and the vision that you see
And so...
Tears that fell from the skies, people on that list
With names that dripped from the paper, I've welcomed d*ath's kiss

i don't exactly know
why im writing this --
maybe just to say it out loud somewhere.
you probably don't even notice the way i look at you. or maybe you do, but you just don't say anything. which somehow,
hurts worse.
its stupid, really. how a simple glance from you can rearrange my whole day. you laugh and i swear that it sounds like something that i've been trying to commit to my memory forever.
i don't need you to like me back --
i think that i just needed you to know the truth.
and maybe that's selfish, maybe that's brave, maybe it's both.
but either way,
im not sending this.
ill just keep on pretending its nothing. like i always do.

I love you

There’s something about late September
that makes me want to text people
I only miss when I’m too tired to lie.

There’s a moth in my mouth again.
I try to sing and it *****.

Some nights I rehearse conversations
with people I haven’t forgiven.
Some of them are alive.
Some of them are me.

I keep a list of people
I swore I’d stop dreaming about.
I keep dreaming anyway.

I talk to no one
like they’ll answer differently this time.
I wake up with a wingbeat
pressed into the backs of my teeth.

I think I’m leaking
something no one taught me how to name.
It leaves stains on my straws
It fogs the mirror before I do.
It answers to my voice
but only when I’m not using it.

There’s something about late September
that makes everything feel returned,
but not forgiven.
I don’t text them.
I let the silence say maybe I meant to.

If yesterday had come for you,
               I’d mourn forever.

If today is that day you leave me,
          still I’ll never forget you.

If tomorrow already erased you,
     then maybe I should retrace it.

Dearest Parents,

I don’t even know where to begin, because there’s so much sitting in my heart. Some of it heavy, some of it aching and all of it quietly waiting to be heard.

I miss you both.
I miss home.
I miss the feeling of safety I used to associate with your presence. Even when things were hard, I believed, deep down, that love was somewhere in the room.

But now… I feel banished. Like I was pushed out from the one place I thought would always take me in. I don’t know if it was something I did, or didn’t do, or simply who I am. But the silence, the distance, it’s louder than any words you could’ve spoken.

I’ve been trying to be strong. To hold myself up without the foundation I used to rely on. To believe I still matter, even when I feel forgotten. It hurts. It hurts in the kind of way that lingers, that wakes me up at night, that makes me question my worth.

Still, somewhere in me, there’s a small flicker of love that hasn’t gone out. A part of me that wishes you could see me. Not as a disappointment, not as someone to cast out, but just as your child. I’m not perfect, but I’ve always carried love for you. I still do.

Maybe you’ll never read this. Maybe nothing will change. But I needed to say it, for me. I needed to let these words out of the cage they’ve been in.

With love and sadness,
Me

Wind kissed souls,
at midnight.

World move below,
from top it glow.

Stars cover the sky,
so high,
the scene made,
my heart so shy.

W,

When I talk about my past lovers,
it's only with the intention of making you jealous.

Love,
ML