So 2014 has pretty much ****** 100% since it started. It's one of those things that I silently think to myself "It can't get any worse" but then catch myself because I know that's not true. Every few weeks it seems I am being dealt another situation to deal with in addition to the extreme burden I am already carrying around.

Life is so overwhelming right now I almost cannot even think about it all at once.  I do not want to trigger myself into having a panic attack. I am doing my best to take it day by day, sometimes even hour by hour. I do not even know which way to turn anymore or how to even start to cope.

I really have tried to trust others and rely on them for help and support but…honestly…maybe I do not know how to do that? Am I picking the wrong people or is it me??? Seems like I am there for everybody else but nobody is here for me now.

New symptoms, worrying about what it all means…dealing with ****** healthcare…doctors not as concerned as I am…seriously how much blood is normal to cough up before I can get a Dr to give a ****! Going on Day 3 of feeling like I have been hit by a semi-truck. I am physically and mentally exhausted.

I surrendered…

You stood there
In the hills
Looking down at the
City
And I stood there
As the trees
Blocking your
Vision
And when I tried
To speak
You silenced me for
the wind
Shriveling roots
Holding me in
And the ground below you
Started to quake
As the forest before you
Withered away

I don't feel free
I don't feel like me
How could it be

I want to die
I want to fly
I'm that guy

A funeral of no tears
Not even from my peers
Just snide remarks and leers

There were too few
To fill one pew
And I didn't see you

I'm not worth it
Just someone upon you spit
It feels like my hearts been bit

So whether heaven or hell
I'll wish you well
Afterall, my death was under your spell