Please.
Could u find it in your heart
To give me back all those vulnerable moments?
Because I feel so stupid now
I feel stupid for going against every fiber of my being and exposing myself
For daring to say those things that come from a place so deep in my heart that it terrifies me.
Knowing that when they rise to the surface
When they escape the warmth of my chest and meet the warmth of the sun they become real
They become present
And tangible
And I need you to give them back because I regret it now
Because I dared to trust and you did exactly what I expected
Because I spent my life building walls and was so well protected
But I leapt
I dared to love fully and relentlessly
And I was all in so I put it in ink.
I put it in air
I put it in touch
I cemented it in time and space.
And I regret it.
I don't regret the relentless love but I regret letting it see the surface
I regret letting you see all those lisa Frank feelings.
So colorful and magical and childlike
And I'm embarrassed.
Cause in the end you didnt deserve it
But now it's yours
And for the rest of your life you have the privilege of those memories that were birthed from a trust you betrayed
You'll get to look back and see how much I loved you
How hard I loved you
And I'll always see how it was too much
I'll always be mad that I went all in
Yet it wasn't enough for you to go all in for me
Staggering inequity
Now how will I dare to trust again?
How will I not temper the reckless abandon that makes it so exciting?
Love Is easy,
But taking that love. Those words. Those memories
and giving it matter
Depth
Sound
Touch
Color
That's a gift. It's the purest art.
So please just give them back so I can protect it better next time.
I think
Next time I'll just keep love in my heart.

When a flower begins to grow,
do you hear it cry?
Does it fret about the water supply,
or the illogical odds of snow?
In spring does it wish for the summer,
or that rather it grew by the lake?
No- it blooms without worry, with grace,
and this is Man’s biggest mistake.

Trust is a two way handshake

When I was young
You were  my entire world
You built me up
And gave me confidence I never knew I had

Even when you began cracking under the pressure
You stayed strong for me
Guiding me
And showing me that I could find strength in anything

The more I grew up
The more that image of you began to fade
Small scratches turned into small cracks
Until the glass began to shatter entirely

Other people never made it easy for you
Breaking you down
Until nothing was left but the hope that one day,
One day it would get better

I watched your world fall apart in front of you
Almost like the Black Plague
Everything was dying around you
And you were convinced it was because you touched it

Tell me that you'll be okay
Because without you, I am nothing
I depend on you for my happiness
But I know that I shouldn't

So, I started looking for happiness in others
Until I found out that their smiles were fake
Their friendship was fake
Everything was fake

So ... I started walking alone
Who needs three musketeers
When I can trust only one
And even that one I'm suspicious of

You were my entire world
But when that world came crashing down
I wasn't strong enough to build one
With you still in it

So ... dear self
It's been a long time without you
But I still have hope that one day
You'll return home

when you fall
if he doesn't catch you
if he takes his time or he isn't bothered

do not question your worth
question him

Steve
April 29, 1967-October 7, 2018
Miss You Buddy

No sunset in this park today.
But of course not, for today is your birthday.
Everywhere I look, all I see is grey!

The Angels are weeping so we don’t have to; that’s not what you would want.
You would want us to share our memories and trust me I have 4 pages front and back,
AT LEAST!

You were taken too soon, no time to adapt
So unexpected and you were the happiest I’d seen you
With Ivan home and Emil good, and Jackson to fill the dull moments
“Action Jackson”, that’s what you called him
And so did my Papa Dale

You loved that he loved music,
You wanted to teach him to play catch.
You were making progress, taking steps

I miss your loyal, honest and witty ***
Oh,and I started studying numerology!
You’ll never guess your number!
#1
But I’m sure that comes as no surprise
You would have loved it!!!

Hope you are up there watching baseball, drinking beer, listening to music,
and telling stories about your family
with your old military pals!
I miss you dear friend
I miss your home, it was my 2nd
No judgement ever
We all had our ****,
Different days, different times
But we rallied together to help, and have a good time
You and I never fought except maybe for a second
We playfully fought about baseball
You were a die hard Cubs fan,
and I was team Cards!

You were getting back on track,
on your way to work
No way is that fair
I miss you dear friend
Your stories, your humor
You making fun of Blair slickly,
us laughing til we cried
I miss your heart, you’re real, you’re true
FAMILY WAS EVERYTHING
and the rest, music, military, beer,
baseball, laughing, and Laura
You were a simple man
You knew exactly who you were at all times
That I always admired
You thought you knew it all; you probably did!
I miss kicking back people watching on the front porch or music in the garage!

Miss your stories, your humor, your strong will
And that 2nd place I thought of as home.

Loved your dad when he was here and loved both Emil and Ivan instantly upon meeting
I hope your kids know if they need anything, to call
You stepped up for Jackson,
That really says it all!

I miss you buddy, til next time...
I raise this beer

One, two, three, four, the digits increment daily
Makes me fearfully wonder which number I am of the  many
I know boys like you are proud of their body count
Every casualty places you a rank higher, nearly twenty

It's the triumph of your manhood, the cause of others' envy
You think back fondly on these memories and leave me feeling empty
Every reaped ****** pinned on your chest in the form of a medallion
While every story of your victory encourages me to be petty

A wound in my chest where your bullet had pierced through
And a tally of scars on my skin for the times I've missed you
From when I so foolishly gave you my untainted heart
You were my one and only, and I dared expect to be yours too

The image of countless women wrapped around your body
These haunting thoughts racing through my head endlessly  
You smirk and brag like you're the golden saint of filth
Your pride making me regret and ashamed that you're my one and only

Your wealth in experience highlighting your superiority
I hate how you carelessly point out my inferiority
When you dodge the question "are you pleased?"
As I desperately pray for a change to make me  equally worthy

I almost crave the same attention that you received
To feel accomplished for once and to feel relieved
For you say to I'm good enough rather than turn away
For, to be your best, to be special is all I want to have achieved