WildFlower.
That was the name I gave you, even though I knew you could never truly live.
You lived 4 months, 4 months longer than you should have but 4 months nonetheless.
You were my beautiful Flower who never had a chance in this world,
You were created from something horrible but I still loved you.
I was terrified of your existence, terrified for you.
This is a cruel world baby and I lived in a cruel place filled with only evil and hate and I know you wouldn’t be able to get the life you deserved, the life you should of had.
That’s why I’m thankful it was only 4 months. Because if it got to 9 then you would’ve had to live with the same horrible creatures I did and they would have tried to hurt you.
I wouldn’t have allowed that. I would’ve died before I let them hurt you.
I think about you all the time and even though the loss of you leaves a mark on my soul that can never be erased I’m glad you never had to live through what I did.
You were spared early.
I loved you then, I love you now, and I will always love you.
I’m sorry I could never give you the life you deserved.
I’m sorry you were just a flower who never grew the leaves you needed to be able to live and grow.
I’m sorry you were mine. You deserved better.
My WildFlower.

1.  There is nothing romantic about the way our hair falls out or the way we hover over the open toilet like there's no other empty space in the house.
2. Do not think that it will be easier to love us because the love we aren’t giving ourselves will go to you.
3. You can trail your fingers along my rib cage, count every vertebrae in my back like marbles stacked high on top of each other. This is not beautiful, this is what dying looks like.
4. I’m sorry for the smell of my breath, but there’s no amount of toothpaste that could cover up the smell of myself rotting from the inside out.
5. “I thought you had to be skinny to have an eating disorder.”
5.   “You don’t look like you starve yourself.”
5.   I know that you wish you could hold me without worrying i’ll turn to dust if you squeeze too hard.
6.   I grew up being told that my body is a temple and I should treat it as such, but I don’t think this is right, see; temples can be destroyed but it always takes another person. I am doing this to myself.
7.   I can’t remember the last time I ate without feeling guilty.
7.   I can’t remember the last time I ate.
8.   One day, I will be nothing and you will be nothing, and i’m sorry that i’m already so close to being gone.
9.   I want to get better. I am trying to get better.
10. Do not think that loving us will be easier, because the love we do not give ourselves is gone, and we cannot love you more than we don’t love ourselves.

the world hated her laugh, it was incredulous. it sounded like a dying radio, waiting for its battery to be replaced.

she drenches her face of tears every night; wishing that things could be better tomorrow,
or the next day,
or the day after that.

she was taut and stood firm, but she trembled from time to time. her words were content, but her eyes speak otherwise.

the world hated her laugh, because no one can hear it anymore.

faint, slowly dispersing.

you’re supposed to be, be on my side
even when I’m wrong, and always when I’m right
but never were you there
fighting me at every turn acting like a mother,
never as my significant other
i can’t be with someone who treats me like I’m two
i guess thats what a baby face will get you

then it went too far, that long day in the car.
you picked a fight, i was not surprised
it just another day in paradise.
you ****** the wheel and pulled to side of the highway
all to reach over and place your hands around my neck. i tried to scream but the sound couldn’t escape.
i decided that day i could no longer be in this place with you
i can’t be with someone who treats me like I’m two
i guess thats what a baby face will get you

He is safe. He is happiness. He is everything.
He takes away the anxiety. He takes away the hurt. He takes away the pain.
He makes you love yourself. He makes you feel like you aren’t alone.
He keeps away the nightmares.
He holds you. He tells you all the things you need to hear. He pushes you to be a better person.

Without him you are afraid. Without him you are unbearably sad. Without him you are nothing.
Without him you are anxious and bed ridden. Without him you are ridden with depression. Without him you are in constant psychological pain.
Without him you hate yourself. Without him you are alone and always will be.
Without him you have nightmares and sleep paralysis that never seem to end.
Without him you are cold. Without him you are no longer pretty- you are no longer anyone’s favourite person; you are no longer loved. Without him you’re an awful person and no one wants to be around you.

He is security. He is life. He is air.
He makes you do things you never thought you could.
You aren’t afraid to be with him. He makes the voices go away. He makes the paranoid feelings less intense.
You can touch him without feeling like you’re having a heart attack. You can kiss him without feeling like you’re going to faint. You can lay with him and not feel like something bad is going to happen.

Without him you are lost. Without him you want to die- there’s nothing keeping you here but him. Without him you can’t breathe; you feel like you’re drowning- suffocating, always.
You’ve always been afraid of anyone with romantic feelings towards you. You’re always afraid of people touching you or kissing you or anything that relates to intimacy- but you’ve never felt that with him. There have never been heart palpitations. There have never been anxiety ridden shakes and hot flashes. You’ve never felt faint around him. You crave his kisses- you want him to hold you.
Without him you’re afraid of everyone and everything. You never leave the house. You never go see friends. You’re too scared to live your life- you’re too afraid to die. You barely exist.

*But worst of all- without him, you’re left alone to have to deal with me.
Without him, us voices come back to taunt you and we’ll never go away.