there is poetry and art and beauty
in a brief exchange of souls and scars
temporary friendships or
lovers who do not extend to infinity
just because it ends it does not mean
the experience is less valid or less real
I am grateful for every experience
the painful and sad moments, too
as they have all created me
as part of my becoming and existence
and they have taught me to appreciate
even more wholeheartedly
the joy others bring to my life

Dear self,

Be brave enough to break your own heart.

You spent thirty minutes talking to your mother last night. She wasn't great to you growing up, and I know that. I think back about how she teased you for wearing long sleeve shirts over summer when you cut yourself. I think about the time she told you to **** yourself. I think about how she tried to cut out people from your life and still, to this day, doesn't know about some of your closest friends because you needed to protect them from her.

Do you realize how loud your unhappiness needs to scream for her to hear it? This may be the first time, in thirty years, that she listened to it. She took it seriously. She told you to go. That it would be okay. And she validated the thing you have known in the pit of your stomach and the bottom of your heart for years.

Go.

You aren't a bad person for leaving a situation that doesn't work for you. Leaving someone you love doesn't mean you never deserve love again. You aren't disgusting. You aren't a monster. You aren't being stupid. You aren't making a mistake. You have always told others that they don't need a reason to leave. You have always shown everyone else a kindness you could never show yourself.

Leave.

Just because you have everything others want doesn't mean it's what you want, or what you need. Right now, at this moment, this isn't good for you, and that's okay. You love him. He loves you. It was beautiful, and it was good. And ending this will destroy both of you in ways you won't even imagine right now. And no one will fix these holes inside of you. It takes courage to realize you need to rebuild yourself. It takes courage to become.

It takes courage to break your own heart. But just like the physical scars you've given yourself, the emotional ones will heal, too. And you will be okay. This is your permission to do what is right for you.

Love,

Yourself

the light in my heart flickered and died
a punishment for hubris to gods I've defied
the stars refused to shine in the sky
I saw the earth beneath me liquefy

the water as still as a painting hung
I felt blood and salt coat my lungs
every day I floated lifeless through
from friends and family, I withdrew

no wind, no air, world is empty and black
I begged that forces would take my life back
I waited for the powers to strike me down
crush me, smite me, watch me drown

the worst fate of all is that I remained
and try as I might, you kept me chained
you cut me open to watch me bleed
ignored all of my wants and needs

without wind in my sail, unable to leave
that's when I met him - my reprieve
whose tongue was made of platinum and lace
whose heart was filled with beauty and grace

a golden god who lit my heart ablaze
who showed me tenderness always
for him, I realize I must become better
for him, I write every single letter

because now my heart beats for his touch alone
his light is the one I still feel in my bones
I remember his voice saying he loved me like mad
I'd give up forever for the moments we had

nothing's instantaneous
temperance a requirement
change forever targeted
til self becomes fragmented

heart an aqueous soluble
erstwhile deliquescent
puddled into pulp
taken out like trash

fitting for an adversary
malicious and malevolent
destructive to the starling
plucked and plunged to sea

so drown to suffocation
laudable attempts at termination
inundate your consciousness
using barrages of indifference

convinced affection's unattainable
death deserted and companionless
auspicious in my loneliness
asphyxiate to expiration

sand and soot in oysters whirl
creating iridescent pearls
the lotus roots through dirt and mud
to blossom from the smallest bud

out of darkness, beauty grows
though the process, arduous and slow
without pain nothing is created
and so my growth is long awaited

I often wish that I was still a child.
So many things change when we grow up.
Innocence becomes lost,
days become shorter,
the nighttime still scares me,
playing house becomes a game of survival,
boys become men, men become frightening,
I become sad, worried, anxious, and self-aware,
friends will lose their half of the necklace or their friendship ring,
being loved by someone will determine my worth,
I no longer feel small next to the kitchen counter,
but in the presence of everyone around me,
“Forever” loses its meaning,
everyone will eventually leave,
death is no longer a myth,
I will not smile as often as I did,
I will not cry as little as I did,
I will not feel safe in school anymore,
I will not go outside and play anymore,
I will try and pick the imperfections off of
my skin until it is red and bleeding,
**** in my stomach whenever I walk,
work myself into exhaustion,
feel overwhelmed by every task,
have anxiety attacks in public places,
and wish that I was a child again.

Pablo wants to do with Matilda
what spring does with cherry trees


He longs to perfume the room
with a lately-opened bloom
when life gifted him lemons
not having, but making heaven
the best of everything's given

The milk in the fridge will whip
into smooth china silk
soon licking the dry lips
She didn't cry over the scalded milk
like he had with his love spilled.

She chose to chocolate fudge it
those essential ingredients
expediently leftover in the grudging shelf
pairs so well with plain vanilla
chemist says it is pure medicinal

Fella won't know what he's getting
from life's chocolate boxes
hidden beneath few good rocks
birds, beauty and not a beast
If only enough is as good as he feasts


Paula wants to reveal with Matthew
what autumn does with maple trees

I've been trying to run away from my demons but somehow it feels like I'm just running in circles...
I've been trying to run away from myself, but the mirrors in my room have managed to trap me inside...
I've been trying to scream and let this air out, but my pride has cut off the oxygen inside my lungs...
I've been trying to figure out my place in this life... but I just find arrows pointing in different directions, so I'm at a standstill feeling lost...

This internal fight is like battle that has no ending date... my soldiers completely exhausted, don't know how long they can continue on... and I in the middle of the field just waiting for the deadly shot.

In spite of everything ... my heart continues on a fearless pursuit for the thief that has taken happiness its hostage ... my heart doesn't care how much my mind has to fight... or how badly my feet want to run on the opposite direction.

My heart is the ultimate warrior, the only one to save me when my anxious lifetime companion tries to become a permanent visitor inside my home.

Summer heat abates
Crisp green cracks with autumn rust
Inhale sweet decay