Do they even understand what it's like to feel so much pain?
Everyday I wake up from my nightmares only to be put back into one.
This re-occurring sense of loss I go through each day is slowly driving me crazy.
I shouldn't have to question my every word in hopes that maybe I'll be allowed some genuine time with the people I love.
How can I ever become the best me when the only me I see reflected in my friend's eyes is of a shadow?
To constantly be in my head, wondering if today will be better than the previous one seems like a waste of time.
I should be able to spend my every breath in life surrounded by people who don't judge me for not wanting to intoxicate my mind.
You see, it's difficult to be around so-called "positive" drugs when the only memories I have of my childhood revolve around ****** up drunks who only cared about themselves.
My family has always been tight-knit, you kind of have to be in order to sew up every loose end that gets left behind as a repercussion of the countless actions that blow up your world like balloons pumped up a little too far.
I really wouldn't complain about my upbringing, all I'm saying is that I witnessed myself the change that drugs could bring upon.
No matter what someones intentions are of getting high, all I see in them is my uncle.
An uncle that had more potential with his life than I ever did with mine, which is saying something because for a while I was headed towards being a doctor.
He made the choices he thought were fun, but was only left imprisoned and locked away from any familial love.
For so long I valued my friends more than anything in the world.
They were the cushions to catch me when I wobbled and fell off every wall that blocked me from reaching my true happiness.
Years have past and for the most part we have only grown closer.
Now it just feels like we are only closer to the end.
I can't imagine my life without the friends I have, but when you can't feel like part of the gang simply because you don't reach the same heights as them, it starts to feel lonely.
You would think living with 4 of your best friends would somehow leave you blessed and grateful to be alive, but everyday I find myself evaluating if I reached my happiness peak.
I'm just tumbling down a never ending ride that continues to punish me for wanting to be nothing more than human.
My words of advice and wisdom are only heard as complaints in the ears of my friends, so why do I even bother?
Well, to answer that question I would just have to say it hurts.
I try and try each day to phrase my words in ways that will show my friends I am desperately searching for their kidnapped souls.
They have to be missing, right?
I mean how else could friends leave behind something so delicate, so easily broken?
As much as it hurts me I can't stop looking, I just hope that I can be reunited with radiance before the dark comes and I'm forced to rest in peace.
