my phone never slept this month and last
because hope said so.

"I don't want/miss/still love my ex
I'm a hundred percent sure of that.
It's the relationship I miss."

"Not the person?"

"Yeah. Not the person.
I miss the relationship part,
if that makes any sense.

It's the being there for each other,
the stories at the end of the day,
the comfort of their kisses,
the softness of their touch,
the sweetness in their voice
when they need your help
getting a can of vegetables
that's high up in the pantry."

"Not the person, right?"

"Right.
Or, perhaps I do miss the person
and the memories,
and I'm just lying to myself
to make it hurt less."

Forever questioning my
Existence.
Persistent in the division to
Witness myths given by
Misfits.

Addicted to sadness,
Adapting to madness.

Love me or don't.

I feel what I want...

I don’t regret meeting him because through him I met a lot of nice people and I don’t blame him for how I am and I still don’t know why we went through what we went through and I’m learning to be okay with that but it’s taking me time, like before I would dream of him and I’d wake up with an anxiety attack and I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t love him when I was with him, but later on it grew on me. But I’m slowly growing out of it. I don’t have panic attacks when I think of him anymore and my hands still get cold when I go to places where we use to go but I think I’m understanding what I’m worth more than anything. I read a quote one time that said “you can be with someone 2 years and
Feel nothing and you can be with someone for 2 months and feel everything” and I think that’s what happened so that’s why it’s taking me so long.

11:44 PM // do you remember the first time we met? i do.

12:02 AM // i remember the first time we locked eyes like it was yesterday

12:09 AM // i remember the swirl of green and brown all in one mesmerising gaze taunting me like a bad dream

12:57 AM // you were never just a stranger to me, you were never a face that didn’t matter  

1:18 AM // from the moment i laid eyes on you i knew you’d break my heart

1:32 AM // i can't stop thinking about the last time you told me you loved me

1:55 AM // you called me up after weeks of nothing and told me you'd never love anyone like you loved me

2:07 AM // you were saying goodbye, weren't you?

2:50 AM //  i could have forgiven you if it was only a kiss, but you fell in love with her

3:49 AM // i've kissed lots of people since you, but none of them pulled my hair and tasted like fanta

4:27 AM // my god i loved you with everything i had

5:01 AM // it still wasn't enough, was it?

5:55 AM // it was always meant to be her.

Thoughts
Mindless texts
Posts ending with emojis and hashtags
Billions of words randomly tweeted out
Ideas and conceptions
Time and space attaching themselves to certain perceptions
Relevancy belongs to truth being spoken through reality and fantasy

you know what
if you have the nerve
to reply me with
one
word
texts
after 2 weeks of
not texting then
i've got a message:
*****
you

For the past eleven
days I’ve been waiting
for you
to get drunk.

So I could read
the words on
a screen that I
really needed to
hear from your mouth.

The night I knew
you were getting drinks
I waited up for
these texts from you:

I miss you.
I miss you so much.
I miss seeing you everyday.
I miss waking up next to you.
I can’t stand the idea of being away from you.

But all you said
the next time you saw me was:
I hope my texts didn’t wake you up.

They didn’t.

Just go, you clearly don't know what you want from me
Just leave, no words or thoughts like it's so ******* easy
Just now I thought something could finally happen
Just stupid old me for giving in after a bottle of Kracken..

Now I can't, I don't know who you are
Now I want and miss how you could take me so far
Now  I just feel empty and so ******* alone
Now I sit and wonder why you couldn't just pick up your phone..

Old text messages are the devil
Because they show that one day
it was *"Let's go get coffee together."
And that day led to making out,
behind a shed neither of us owned.
They show that the next week,
you were on your way over
to my house.  
"On my way."
And that day...
oh, god, that day...
I trusted you.
I said no.
My trust was misplaced.
You violated me anyway.
They show that you kept in contact;
you texted me daily for a month after.
As if nothing happened.
As if my life hadn't been torn apart.
"I love you."
"You want to get coffee again?"


(d.d.b)