I sat on the floor and stared at myself in the mirror. I could no longer ignore the pain behind those beautiful brown eyes. All the pain and confusion I'd run from for what felt like eternity; was now placed right in front me. I finally allowed the raw emotions to rush over me. It was fruitless to keep trying to fight against the waves. I let them crash all around & over me. It felt like it would drown me but the gentle pure spirit inside me told me I will be ok, it won't consume me. I looked in the mirror once again and what I saw now was a little girl. She looked really sad & confused. She had realized what was done to her was wrong & not how adults love children. She looked very scared and confused. "I'm sorry" I told her. I tried to protect you for as long as I could. But these dark secrets are killing us. We have to face it. The only way to cross over the ocean to the land of peace is to swim through it all. Don't worry, I got you, we're going to make it across. I'm not going to lie, it's going to be a long painful journey. She looked terrified upon realizing the betrayal that had been done to her, not knowing who she could now trust.. Her sweet innocence still flowed through her though, she ran into my arms & I held her as she wept & wept. I hugged her tight & cried with her. There aren't words to describe the pain we both felt. "You feel all wrong but you aren't." You're stronger than you know. You've been carrying someone else's shame for far too long. Time to unload all the junk. You're not a landfill; you are a beautiful garden. Cutting off the weeds on the ground never made them go away. We have to tend to the garden & pull out all the stuff that doesn't belong there from the roots. The little tiny soldier within me let out a long loud sigh, as if she had never exhaled before. I trembled & said "You're going to be ok, you're world isn't falling apart, it's actually falling into place. We will ride the waves together. It's time to shine light on that darkness. There's beauty & strength from this pain. We are survivors & warriors. Together with other warriors we will win this battle. We are not alone like we feel. Others have journeyed across before us and made it to shore. We will too. You're not alone.

Silence is deafening
My thoughts can no longer hide in the seams
The shadows have voices that are beckoning
I am stuck in a world of in-betweens

Darkness befriends the elusive
While honesty is embraced by the light
I created a maze of reclusiveness
The windings my approachable-self wants to fight

This type of existence is confining
The needing a breakthrough, but afraid of breaking free
I permitted my solitary life to define me
Instead of letting all the peering eyes see

The ebb and flow of being receptive
By allowing What Will Be...To Be
It is free-thinking from a different perspective
A stark contrast to the lonely life of ME

I am wading through some murky waters
That I have yet to understand
With sludge so thick and deep enough
It keeps me from dry land

Still, I try to power through
While keeping you all informed
Though this barrage of wanting to know
Is leaving me quite scorned

All I hear is "you have run out of patience"
And "surely I understand"
Well No, I do not, I am always compliant
Especially to a brutish hand

Throughout the years I have kept in line
And played the dutiful role
But shaking hands with Father Time
Permitted my mind to **** my soul

At times the struggle is so intense
That I cannot catch my breath
I strain and gasp to choke it down
Knowing you expect nothing less

By pulling rank, you shut me down
And add weight to my fear and doubt
You fail to see that I am grown
A mother who has earned her clout

Assumptions can be cruel you see
We both have made our share
I hope my voice of honesty
Helps us to finally clear the air

You are an added link in a long chain
That is weathered but still intact
Now, I am asking out of respect of that bond,
Let us please breathe before we act

Am I Lost...?

Amid a complicated swirl of tangled
thoughts,
The mind cannot comprehend nor decipher
the mutterings from within

It takes stern candor from an outside voice
To break through the woven web of
confusion and angst

Offering, the faint flicker of hope, enough
oxygen to remain burning in the dark

Or Am I Found...?

Vile innocence times three
Tore me down to my knees
That left a gaping hole in my soul
Of varying degrees

Caught off guard
And confused
I experienced violence in bloom
While they reveled the brutality of victory

Time stood still, as they got their fill
Of tagging in and out of the game
Beaten and bare, my voice never found air
Knowing my life was forever changed

While my dignity was stripped
I prayed death would be quick
Leaving the unbearable pain and suffering behind

The gravity of which is unknown
To the abyss, I made sure it was thrown
Never to surface again and see the light of day

Regrettably, the dark secrets we keep
Do start to seep
And engulf every crack and crevice of a waning mind

So, my battle rages on
To find meaning in a life that's long gone
And make peace with the afflictions of Dark
Innocence..