I’m in pain.

Every step that I take
It breaks
My soul
Into pieces
As I watch the things
I love
By the sidelines

Every step is a memory
A flash
To my past
When the only thing
That drew lines together
Were the stitches
That I wished
Had existed
Were the solutions
That I wished
Had saved me

Even as I stand
My weight shifts
Like the soul inside
That shifted from live to survive
That shifted from give to keep
That shifted from grin to weep
That shifts from try to die
Each time
The sun sets
And rises

I use tape
To hold together the pieces
That slide away
To repair
The rips
Within
To change the scars
That failed
To keep me strong
That made my right wrong

I wish I could forget
The days
Where i faded away
Where I looked for a way outside
Instead of a way back in
And out
Of the halfway
Half living
Half dying
Half trying
Half crying
Place I existed

And even today
I can look to live
Or to die
To thrive
Or survive
To grin or weep
To give or keep
To feign or my pain

And its tearing me apart
From the outside in
It makes me feel
Like my life is just sin
And to the person who knows nothing
Who thinks my soul is whole
Not a hole
Who thinks my smile
Isn’t a trial
Who thinks my knees
Stand and don’t buckle
Who thinks my legs are steady
And my head is high
Because I tried
And with pride
I stand
Not because I’d drown if I didn’t

To the person who looks at my mask
But sees my face
I wish you knew
I wish you knew
The trials
I’ve had to face
But I’m glad you don’t
Because you’d see a victim
Not a soldier
You’d see a patient
Not a survivor

So stay in your box
And I’ll stay in mine
And we’ll see
How time
Changes us
We’ll see if I live or die
If thrive or survive
We’ll see which way
My soul shifts
From dark to light
From sun to night
We’ll see who guides the way
The scars in my shoes
Or the stars and the moon
To show me the way
Up or down
Left or right
Sun and day
Or dark and night
Heaven or hell
From poor to well
I will see my way
To the end
Because for any beginning to start
An end must stop.

And so

I’m in pain.

What do I have to do
to get through to you:
I do what I must to survive.
Send thanks to any god
you dream and believe:
Shame is sitting still, smoking ****.

Do I
just get by?
According
to the
world
at large, oh
yes, oh yes.

Do I
just get by?
According
to me,
the
world's gonna
end, oh yes.

If you want to waste your mind on me,
that's fine --
I'll be using mine for feeling,
and I'll be full to satisfied.

What do I have to do
to get through to you:
I do what I must to survive.
Send thanks to any god
you dream and believe:
Shame is sitting still, smoking ****.

Scanning
racks and shelves
for any
piece of
me
in what you
have here made.

Scanning
racks and shelves
for any
precious
piece
of yours
to ruin   with my appreciation.

If you want to waste your mind on me,
that's fine --
I'll be using mine for feeling,
and I'll be full to satisfied.

Start the day
the only way
that works for me.
Lighter, light ****.
Massage ball, get my shoulder free.
Lungs, please, do continue.
Carry me through dance.
Tighten the strings
of the universe
through me,
from my feet to my hands.

i am not strong.
when people see my scars,
they think
that i crawled out of hell
even when demons
were dragging me down.
i barely made it out, though,
and those demons are still with me.
they are still present
in the scars on my thighs,
the pills that i take,
the nights i can't sleep
and nothing feels right
because,
really,
that hell was inside my head
and the demons
were my own thoughts,
ripping
and tearing
and pulling away at my sanity,
bit
by bit.
i am not strong,
but i'm strong enough
to keep fighting those demons,
every
single
day.

Safe and sound, boundless and ageless
Locked up in a cage, shackled and ageless.

Nit-picky fury, is the lash someone else’s or your own?

Words with no meaning, no colour, no sound
Words in a bottle in the ocean in the hope of being found.

It’s just life, those things we say and do to survive
To manage
To Cry
It’s just life, the catastrophe, the identity, to survive
To Crave
To desire.

In consequence, how the story eventually ends
Long may the road be, savouring each detail along the edges.

Eager to please, you do as you prefer—as you wish.

Maddening is the cruelty, how a warrior should lack frailty
As if the Greek gods did not provide mistakes of their own.

It’s just life, those things we say and do to survive
To manage
To Cry
It’s just life, the catastrophe, the identity, to survive
To Crave
To desire.

It’s just life, those things we say and do to survive
To manage
To Cry
It’s just life, the catastrophe, the identity, to survive
To Crave
To desire.

You’ll manage though you’ll cry
You’ll crave love, you’ll desire.