i got off at 3:30 today
organized my music again, i always plan a drop and make some more
always trying to create something better.. for the fun
it was always me to take things further
it'll always be me to take things farther
risky
but the purpose will be evident
pour everything within
every moment, for me
a chance to try and live it out
live
love
but there's no one
do i even need anyone
to feel... like before, the feeling of unification even when all is scattered
knowing someone is there with you, more than enough
but that goes, like everything
and then want
research research
preserve my nerves
i sit and learn
i sit and burn
i sit and learn
i stand and yearn
i sleep, it ends
i wake,.... here i am
again
i like this website because there's no character limit
maybe there is at 69,000
i miss having ***
it's okay though, i'm busy
keeping my mind entertained with emotions i can pick up with my hands
not really though
trying to juggle them
i cant mess my life up though.. but i still have to risk
it all
every rep... risk it all
give it, my all
create stories with yourself, by yourself
let the people come... keep doing

Pale fading jaded moon
Echoes of the same old routes
Subconscious fed what we are read
Some consume such hazy fumes
Supposed repeats become belief
To each eye is dry and empty
When disorientation looms, Jesus
Our efforts count when only viewed

Hard to shake off the grey fog
As the pace of life seems lost
Host a place for creative minds
Build upon what you've been taught
Changing layers of further thought
When heavy clouds pull into view
Energy depletes inside over time
Should you stand affront or wait anew

Roll right to zero, give your tanks a stir

Fixed star to fixed star, running counter clockwise to stability

Beckoned and bewildered: first move, second chance

This incandescent satellite, so large and bright in the window

Like pieces of refracted light, infinite bulbs turning on

Empyrean, enveloped in moonshine, rendering them fit to recognize God

And should destiny be lunar luminosity and agile reason (or a seller of love)

I'll take to orbit and go for burn, peering through a mental kaleidoscope

To see the altered anima of my thoughts free from the pull of gravity

Baha'u'llah is the Fire of Being kindled by the snow of
faith, whereas the Spirit is the eyewash of light
upon the prism of the heart.

Notice how Baha'u'llah's Fire of Being is lit in the
conscious mind and not the subconscious mind like the Spirit is.
The conscious mind is a mind without concern for
past or future. It knows no rank and holds no
station. It has no depth or height. It has no design and
holds no symbol.
It knows no support.
It is a mark of crimson. It holds no eloquent speaker, except the inspiration of the heart, and Baha'u'llah Himself.
It knows no plan except 'Abdu'l-Baha's Divine Plan, it has
no mortal guide except Shoghi Effendi's letters.
It carries out the devotion shown to it.
Devotion here is one thing done at a time, and cannot be
sustained except with great desire.
There is no room for impressing someone.
It hath no wisdom save what is stored in the heart.
It sees the world as a child, 100% hope.
Its energy is the ignorance of purity.
Its captain is the invoker of His Word.
It is stoked at the fire of responsibility.
It is drowned by the remembrance of aught except Him.

some dark
some bright
some come to light
during the wee hours of night
some crystal clear
some just out of sight
but all are real and all are right
as I slip into the fearless flight
of the mind's eye

And just like the escalation of pleasure
The release of pain works based on a dual model
As I enter my only semblance of safety
The model comes into effect
I come to learn more about myself
About the way I thought I felt so much cold already
When really subconsciously there was so much more
Almost as if the insults I'd received as a teenager about being too sensitive were close to baseless
That is, compared to the emotions that swam inside me, away from the hawk-like eyes of humanity
Even if the more I learn about everything makes me more tangible
Everything becomes more intangible
And I struggle to hold on
Because even my insides seem to want to claw out
Even in the one place that has little safety
And I would open my mouth to call for more safety
But when I try to I lose my sense of safety
When I try to, anything that comes out of my mouth is displaced from me
As if my body knows that its no longer safe existing in the body that is calling for help
And I'm stuck clawing back for my body but even when my mouth shuts
My body feels hazy
My mind buzzing
And my breathing unfamiliar
My stomach unsettled
Even if I hug my pillow when I feel at a low
Its not enough
My organs clench uncomfortably
And I want to feel comfort so badly
But my subconscious is like swimming to the bottom of an ocean without oxygen
And I'm left on my own like I have all the other times that have passed, the only thing I gain is experience
And I try to gain more awareness of my surroundings but its all so cold
That I can only be numb even to my own self
I can only hear the roar of brown noise even if my heart is beating so strongly inside me

The more I pass through life, the more I learn about duality
Like developing realisations that I can reach for so much, and yet understanding more and more that I might not be able reach much at all

Through times of pain,
One can only do so much,
When it erupts and all is gone,
The heart takes over,
You are nothing but a puppet,
A slave of the subconscious,
Then you do an extreme deed,
Roses bloom,
Heart beats fast,
Rain pattering lightly,
The moment, sweet and unexpected,
Over in an instant,
Excitement fills the air,
Then it tumbles down upon you,
As all good things,
This, too, had a bitter end.

- Jay M
January 15th, 2019