Time is ticking away for him.
Those days when he's in the awake will slip out of his fingers like grains of sand on the beach.
The rushing tide will weaken him until he is yearning for sleep.

Storms are inevitable.
Tiredness is inevitable.
We must all rest to calm those raging waves,
but when he lays down to let his mind slumber,
he knows he'll never wake up again.

Blurry thoughts,
Weary eyes.
My life was built by others lies.
Frosted love,
thrown to the cold.
Often times I feel alone.
Skin deep does it cut,
sometime we should keep our mouth shut.
This moment now is near it's end,
because I know I will forgive again.

Having a health "problem"
I can handle this
Try to keep working
Yes, I know I've been late a few times
So exhausted... fatigued...caffeine
or ***? Too tired lately...
many nights lacking somnus
used to be such a lovely escape
I stay late,
always get hours
and overtime
never forget to explain present circumstances...
not excuses...
Father told me
We must be dignified, stoic
Or try to be at least

No backup plan
or graceful exit strategy
not impossible if I need another job
to have smooth transition
no 9 months of vacation, sick leave...
no 401K advanced,
or generous severance
a little saved
I'm adaptable, capable
husband gone...meager
weekly contributions
resigned... thought crazy?
maybe I was...clinging to "principles"
not a tech analyst anymore...by choice
was I high?

apply for "rights"?
Yeah sure
FMLA...
Family Medical Leave Act
I know it well
Took time off this way before
when our child was ill
while I was working
at a HUGE health insurance company

5 years working here now
Nothing but Golden reviews
Great Bonuses
with Excellent pay
no vacation or sick time
I need to work every weekend and Holiday
required
and I gotta cover shifts
work off the clock sometimes
at night... and when called upon
At the owner's house
houses... I mean

Volunteering for big events
Exciting...HGTV...
rubbing elbows with Celebrities
Thinking that I would be part of this family forever...so naive still
Hoping I'd finally shine
Already Head Inn Supervisor
Do everything, know all the jobs
Hardly glamorous..
I'm proud of working at this High End Hospitality destination location

But Event Coordinator...
I am over qualified for both really
but too good at my job
I pulled staff to do a project...
She was AMAZED
He told me and no one's ever polished those beams
My heart sank and lept
Day-to-day functions
might be my new thing...

A quagmire to walk on
I'm sinking
dropped into a legal mare's nest

Shouldn't have said anything
about being "sick"...
We need to talk to you
Alright
30 days till Christmas
spent most of bonus
things could be worse

Disbelief, not connecting yet
Tears start coming
like a deluge of pent up sacrifices
time I lost
and such costly prices
all seem so unappreciated
Breathe

Why in the world did I spend
so much on a gift for them?
Just a written warning
Never before
I'm just afraid
No having that...
Take a pill or something

Collusion?
or coincidence?
New trainee...
though I'm not training her?
We are... very busy
They just want me to take a look
and make sure she's doing a good job though and pick out her mistakes
Don't forget to finish
writing those guidelines...
or getting Dr. signed off on those rights

new phone number
leave it with her on a piece of paper
reluctantly agreeing hand over that ink
feel instinctively she doesn't like me
we have disagreed before
says she let me know if the staff I called in doesn't show up to cover my shift
no one called
not even to ask where I was
quiet as an empty church mouse...

went into work on Monday
they thought I actually
didn't show up for work
good one, very funny
you never left us your number

On the piece of paper I left it with her
She denies it...
well could have predicted that
B*!!!
I find the crumpled, bloodstained, tear soaked evidence in the recycling
they grab the bin...out of my hands?
Seriously?
say that doesn't prove ANYTHING?
Now I'm just ****** the f off!!!

Second time called on carpet
Keep working
To hell with them
What was that he said?
Disappointed in my life choices?
Oh... I didn't want to sleep with him right.
Most reasonably attractive girls
that have worked there did
disappointed in me...because jealousy
  dating a younger guy
my family doesn't mind but he does?

Make sure I'm clocked in on time
and leave on schedule
2 more weeks till a rest
work Christmas Eve
then Christmas
you know other staff has
"more important" things
their children are younger
or something

another talk...oh, well a good one
I hope... being Christmas
Demoted?
What's that?
I don't think I understand?
One day a week?
Is this a f** joke!?!?
Oh....right because I wanted Medical leave..well,
I can put that off whatever.

No...that isn't why
No tears...
then...

So angry, fuming
as darkness is looming
yelling at the void of listeners
dignity? Stoic?
Sorry Dad...
as maniacal laughter...
those demon poet's
snicker at such an unpoetic ending

Done...
Convenient replacement, already trained
then go on a "vacation"
they own land in Holland
grow tulips...
still reaping Tulip mania benefits?
no "un"- employment,
wasn't fired
I guess I quit
since I never got another shift
though I apparently
was "scheduled" for a couple
maybe their phone was broken
I certainly was

I just was infuriated
and that guitar playing
Lil boy blue
bright eyed
peter pan
my younger boy wonder...
he was disappointed too
well thanks for the Charlie Brown tree
nice knowing you...
you beautiful burden
you haven't worked in how long?

I ripped down that twig that night
it was the ending and the beginning of EVERYTHING.

Cherie Nolan © 2016

Who are these people?
Why aren't you listening to me?
Can you not see...what I can see?
I think that my soul wants to jump out of my body it is vibrating and I am shaking...
I am breaking
I try and sleep and only know these waking
hours...
Do you have the powers around here?
Where are you taking
me???

No, I don't want to be
No, I do not want to die
No, I've never ever actually tried...
yes, I wish I wouldn't cry
these up and down tears of utter panick, agony and distress  
Alright already I confess!
I'm probably just like the rest
I don't know... is this..
a test?
You....
tell ME?

I can't eat
or care for myself...
I feel nauseous
my stomach hurts really bad
yes I am, I am kinda sad
Occasionally I find happy
or laugh at something sappy
man that dog is yappy!
What is HE yelling at?
and why is SHE saying that?
did someone just barely call ME fat?

I don't trust that person over there
she has bugs in her hair
that girl...right there!
....that guy said so!
and HE should know...
and I don't like the way that one looks
at me...
He...
...is creepy... said I'm beautiful
bunch of weirdos and addicted crooks
no I don't want to read a stupid book!
or go to a class?!
For what?

I don't understand why I'm here
I'm afraid I'll never leave
You need to believe
I cannot understand I feel like I'm in Hell
That is not a place I'd ever want to dwell
I know I did NOT sell...
my soul!

Well then, what's your goal while your here?
Tell us what's the greatest fears?
Something whisper in your ears?
What do want your life to look like?
Don't look so worried
It's alright... take all the time you need
we'll feed you in the meantime
I can see...sweetpea...
your clearly confused and you look
like you took awhile to get here
you seem exhausted... so try and get some sleep

Oh..falling into the deep!
Oh I don't know
those picture shows
can be so frightening
the snapping, cracking deadly lightning and strange
gutteral things and horrible loud flapping, rapping blackened wings!
the Raven he came thrice
along with the 3 blinded mice
and other ones were not so nice..
...either

Yes...but still some are still exciting?
Even if still a little frightening?
Like dreams of forgotten or forbidden love
and singing Angel's from up above?
memories of your first sweet kisses
some so nice...and a few near misses
the boy that you sent for
on your hand blown wishes?
How he loved to watch you dance
in his eyes he stared at you entranced
your souls were one so intermingled
touching him it made you tingle...
and you loved how beautifully familiar
he was...
Remember that?

Yes I suppose..that you are right
time to rest here for the night
thank you for this dreaming land
when I wake up...you know...
I've planned
on doing everything better!

Okay, goodnight my darling
close your peeping..
sleeping eyes
No more tears for those to cry
Rest your overwhelming fears
get sweet dreams, my precious dear
I'll see you in the morning

I'm just warning...
No more walking dead
that's the only thing I still dread
I guess enough about that I've said...
Change will be here soon...I know.

Goodnight...
I'll see you in the morning light
when all my hopeful dreams
again...
...take their final ...
               winged flight.

Cherie Nolan © 2016

We have always been under the boot of men,
Giving them support till the end.

Even if we are treated like rugs,
We smile and hide our emotions in hugs.

We were raised in a world of cultural bias,
Leaving men with the highest.

Our voice is soft to calm and please,
But men are the hardest to appease.

We act unsure and not too bold,
Though men are blunt and can be cold.

Women can work above the rest,
yet men are still considered the best.

A man with women on his arms,
It's a compliment and does not harm.

She, the one at his side,
A *****, a crook along for the ride.

Women can stand as tall as men,
But are always pushed down or made to bend.

This plight, this fight must end soon,
for it will bring our unfortunate doom.

This balance is unjust and unfair,
So women, lets make them care.

Happy moments don't last long enough.
And sad moments are always around the corner.
Struggles are too unbearable at times.
Because life will never be easy.

Love comes with a sacrifice of pain.
Strength is found through weakness.
As the struggle gets rougher.
The fighters keep fighting.
Because resilience lies in the heart of a champion.

The souls had a burning eagerness
They were lost and mislaid
They were worn out and drained
Frazzled, they searched for aid
A momentary Band-Aid
Unbeknownst to them, their aid was at strife
Exhausted from a strenuous plight
When approached by the souls
The aid clasped its knife
And scathingly ripped the vines of harmony and yearning right out of their haven
Leaving the souls crumbling with a loss of direction and a non-existent elation
Drowning in hopelessness
The end, was at sight
Finally arriving, barely alive, there was a clamorous knock
Fervent and ready to pay the price
It beat the souls down
Only to bring them paradise
A mystifying euphoria
It felt like they were in an ecstatic coma
The souls exulted in the thrilling aurora,
Discovering their freedom, the gleam of propriety
The burning souls had arrived to their new normality

He forages on my doubts
Keeps me sleepless with distress
The real me is envious of me
She is all he wants
Can she stand the real me?

I resent the disgraceful me
Can't look at my reflection in the mirror
He threatens my core existence
So I fight to keep him burried

He mocks, taunts and mortifies
Even as she tells me I have beautiful eyes
It is good she cant peep inside through those windows
And see the struggles inside

I keep him padlocked in the depths
Listen to music and tour nice places
But in the quietest of moments
He creeps back to me

Dampens my spirit
Telling me I am way below
Not good enough
That I will ***** up as always

It is worrying what he can do
Destroy a lifetime in a day
Turn love to hate in a moment

But I wont let him hurt her
I'll leave her if I have to

Here's to showing off about football
Here's to thinking cautiously
Here's to candy
Here's to barely knowing the person who sits two seats away
Here's to a sweet tooth that tests limits
Here's to kitties and puppies
Here's to slowing rejecting the seating chart
Here's to a new chart that brings two seats together
Here's to a mutual friend
Here's to black and blonde hair
Here's to math class
Here's to learning
Here's to growing
Here's to October for reducing two seats away to one
Here's to November for closing the gap
Here's to weird animals
Here's to a new group
Here's to the boy who drops out
Here's to getting to receiving his GED
Here's to "I don't want to go homes"
Here's to choir as well
Here's to the weird science teacher who's room is claimed
Here's to awkward conversations that keep life flowing
Here's to boyfriends that lack approval
Here's to moving to a new room
Here's to arguments about Jess and Dean
Here's to Rory and Lorelai
Here's to that phone call at nine pm
Here's to "He wants to take a break"
Here's to "It's mutual" through heavy tears
Here's to friends ready to comfort
Here's to "He's trying to cheat on you"
Here's to "I just broke up with you, that's what happened"
Here's to feeling comfortable again
Here's to pause buttons for God of War
Here's to "He just broke up with me"
Here's to "He's just doesn't feel the same way anymore"
Here's to comfort and to "I hate him"
Here's to wanting to better oneself
Here's to falling short and crawling back
Here's to first fights
Here's to only lasting twenty minutes
Here's to "He blocked me"
Here's to "He's cheating on me"
Here's to not needing him
Here's to the past coming back to haunt you
Here's to being stabbed by someone once called friend
Here's to silence
Here's to "She's so pretty"
Here's to "I love you"
Here's to "No more pining after lame guys"
Here's to seeing that teacher at Goodwill
Here's to days of brokenness
Here's to hope
Here's to the future
Here's to sweet sixteens
Here's to first cars
Here's to reptiles in rainy weather attire
Here's to sassitude
Here's to sasstastic people
Here's to near deaths
Here's to survivals
Here's to first sleepovers
Here's to lunch at that cute Italian bistro nobody knows
Here's to Philly cheesesteaks
Here's to Thai tea
Here's to "When can we do this again"
Here's to nightmares about rejection
Here's to dreams about perspective
Here's to an undying friendship
Here's to an eternity of trust
Here's to many more days
Here's to you
And here's to me,
Cheers,
Your best friend

They say one thing leads to another
but I wish that wasn't so
how does One Stop racing
One thought... then the next
They all used to be good and suddenly without warning  they just
turned around
Did a 360
Like I did on that dirt road at 17 thought we were going to die
Laughed afterwards... Adrenaline Junkies but now it makes me want to cry
wondering why I didn't die
From double lung pneumonia or the
anaphylactic shock when I was really young that penicillin
Hydroplaning off the road,
jumping an 8-foot Stonewall and having the car crushed to my chest
No one could see me in the down there
in the rain even my brother drove by
Couldn't breathe but somehow I made my way out with broken ribs down the road to a phone
that's all I remember about that
Endless stories of trauma I wonder if everybody's life is a city of it
like mine
I can only imagine it is
The terrible thing when your fight-or-flight response is all messed up
Looks like more than a Crossroads
Looks like an endless maze
Covered in a murky Haze
I hope I can find my way back though going to be a while...
I know the brain is a miraculous friend
I'm thinking way too much
They say the more intelligent we are
the more difficult it is to recover
so I wish I was less intelligent now
Or at least I could close this Pandora's Box
The memories that go round and round like the car in the parking lot that I kept spinning till it the engine died
I keep wondering if all that was just a dream
like getting thrown from the horse
There's a whole lot more that I got to shove
into a bottle
every time they're inside my mind
and I chuck them out into the ocean
hoping that they smash and burst on the shore and I will return to who I was
once more....
Keep focusing on the fact that there are more good days and bad
Try to look forward instead of looking back try to keep track of what's important
Right now I guess that's me.

Cherie Nolan © 2016