“looking back, we weren’t all that great for one another. you liked to be distant, i liked to overthink. you never told me what was wrong, i told you everything that was wrong. you were afraid of expectations, i expected to be loved the way i loved you.

i think even at the beginning i knew it may not quite work, but despite all our flaws i knew we had a spark, and i was determined to set that spark aflame. i fell in love with the idea of a flame that never came.”

Your lies charred holes that couldn’t be closed , who am I really convincing here , here at your every call I start to wither and fall , I’ve been running off an exhausted thought of you and me because every time I think of us I get a little stuck , you say you love me but her and her I cannot keep up with the way you love because the way you love and the way I love are two different ways I thought you could hang but it turns to play that every man will have his way

The way you smelted of liquor all day made me wanna go away even after all the failed attempts at asking I always tried to over communicate but I guess you really can’t change a man that doesn’t want to be changed. The way you held me late at night I thought that meant that you loved me the way I craved but deep down every day I knew I was deprived and my mind had to Play this game to convince myself that it was okay because you told me you loved  

The power those words held over me especially when they fell from your lips made me paranoid and frayed until the very next day you would convince the thoughts to go away you had your way with my mind and it made me cave falling to my knees for your every praise , you put my brain in a haze trying to read every ****** maze but unfortunately I could never find my way

My brain on the constant train is he thinking of me or her , god the way you’re not willing to change has me in a hold for days, but it’s okay as soon as you say even tho my feelings are still astray something you’ll always try to invalidate , I don’t know why I continue to stay

when life serves you lemons, you make lemonade
when life performs cycles of crazy patterns, you listen
you listen to the science of reality and truth
you stand up to the certainties that can be validated
you survive the onslaught of the cycle and wait for lemons
you make lemonade...

Brian Hill - 2020 # 271

I wore our relationship like an old noose
Because I liked the feeling of the heaviness , the feeling of my breath slowly escaping me
But it was always my fault.
Your words spit fire leaving my heart aching
Your hand print rests on my skin as a reminder that I was wrong.
I apologize that I keep falling apart before your glue has time to dry.
But I’m tired and ashamed
My glue doesn’t want to stick anymore
I have kissed boys
Girls
People in between but lately
I’ve been kissing bottles
Their lips are colder than yours
The blade that kisses my wrist reminds me that I’m not alone Because I would rather bleed to know I’m alive then try to pick myself back up for you, but , I apologize for my broken heart.

Another new year
Another new chance to start clean
Another day
Another new chance to say
Gonna stand up for myself and my community
Wake up this doesn't have to be world war 3
Not gonna tell you what you want
Im gonna tell you what you need to hear
So listen up, I'm gonna say it loud and clear
In a world where people profit from exploiting what we fear,
We need to find the courage to say "no more. The buck stops here."
Do not pass go
Do not collect 200 dollars.
It's time to pay for your abuse of power
And I'm not even talking about trump
The whole system's wack
Time for us to take a breath,  take a step back

You only live once
you only get one chance
to do what scares you
so ask him
take a chance
make the jump
you only get one chance
to do what you believe
to stand up
so use your voice
make it right
you only get one chance
to do what you love
to feel the fun
to create
so do it
you only get one chance
to be yourself
so be you
don’t let anyone say anything else
so be true
you only get one chance
to find them
so take the time
don’t let anything stop you
you have one chance
to do it all
so don’t waste time
tell them you love them
ask them the question
find the one
make what you want
be who you want
and live

It was in that moment when I couldn’t walk outside wearing shorts that I  knew society was ****** up
It was in the moment that my shirt that hung off my shoulders meant that I wanted to have *** that I knew society was ****** up
Because we’re built on grounds that say if you’re still a ****** you’re dull and boring and if you’re not, you’re a ***** in waiting
We’re built on grounds that call girls ****** and ***** if they don’t give it up we’re built on grounds where we make girls feels worthless because they say no
It was in the moment that your hands trailed my skin in a sin that I knew society was ****** up and when I told someone how your evil hands played me like a toy that it was automatically my fault because my shirt was too low and all my makeup basically said I was asking for it. But the difference between you and I was that I saw my body as a temple and you turned my temple into a sinful pool so the second time your hands wanted to play tag with my body I didn’t say anything my unresponsive language was enough to make you think I said yes because I was petrified by your greasy grimy hands that I froze and when I tried telling my mom she said guys will be guys and that I needed to move on so when you came back for the third time I didn’t scream or shout I didn’t try to fight back I thought guys will be guys and I need to move on.