Hope doesn't always float.
Sometimes it drowns you instead.
I feel like ****.
The ****-I-woke-up-again kind of **** feeling.
I despise people who throw these kinds of feelings
around like they are nothing.
I grew up in where my feelings never mattered.
It ******.
Feelings were twisted to achieve what he wanted.
And all that really ******.
So I don't write these things without carefully
considering how I really feel.
But with all that being said,
because I know how bad it hurts
to remain on the living end,
I feel stuck with no options.
And little hope.
What if this is all there is for me?
This vacillating between flat and the place I'm in now.
It hurts almost as deeply as the **** done to me
that got me here in the first place.
When I wake up and it's disappointing
I know I'm not on the right track.
But when I wake up, I go through the motions
while thinking the whole time
how everyone would be better off without me
that's when I know there is no faking my way out of this pit.
This morning I woke up a mess and as the day progressed so did the mess
I didn't feel safe alone and that scared the **** out of me.
All of my typical reasons for not hurting myself were not working
and that's when I knew I had to say something.
I called DT and made the other appropriate phone calls.
I promised to be safe.
And because I keep my promises I will do just that
be safe.
But what will "safe" cost me? More disappointment... even more pain... devastated hope... an ever deepening loathe of my brokenness?
Or the worst; revealing just how weak I really am?
I hate this and how unjust it feels.
If someone lives through abuse isn't that enough?
That is the cruelest joke.
I'm so scared that this is as good as it gets. I can tell myself to keep going. To keep fighting. To hope. But I also have this nagging feeling that the joke is ultimately on me and I suddenly find myself very, very tired. Sometimes all the self pep talks in the world
aren't enough to make this spinning descent stop.
Just a huge joke that stupid, miserable people
hold on to in an attempt to feel better.
What if that's all hope is?
What then?
