I find comfort in the whisper of your voice, as your breathe softly awakens the hairs on the back of my neck.
Shelter in the warmth of your skin at 2am when the streets have fallen silent.
As your hand rests delicately on the skin below my chest the world around us slows and for a brief moment my mind is at home.
But once the door closes behind you it’s as though 10,000 stars are stolen from the sky and in that moment a dark shadow begins to dim the once glistening light.
As our movie draws to an end and the credits begin to roll,my eyes trace your silhouette in the dark where it once lay.
My breath leaves my body heavy now,as though I’m gasping for something I can no longer see, feel or touch.
It’s as if all of a sudden the roof over my head is torn away with a gust of reality
Realising that the shelter I felt was only temporary.
A stopover, an escape, just another passing moment.
Realising that it can never be mine to take because for someone else that warmth is more than just shelter, it is a home.
A warm, welcoming smile after a long day at work.
A safe embrace on days when tears begin their stream down the curve of her flushed cheek.
She’ll find comfort in the way you hold her hand, fingers intertwined like the roots of the most delicate flower.
Safety, in the way your arms pull her closer in the night, the warm skin of your chest gently pressing against her as she falls back; blissfully, into a dream.
A dream, that’s how our moments felt. The whole time I knew I had to wake up eventually, it was a ticking time bomb I’d tried so hard to disarm. Sometimes I thought that maybe,just maybe if I squeezed my eyes closed for a second longer, I’d get just one more moment with you.
One more of those mornings, eyes still heavy with sleep as you reach for my hand beneath the sheets.
One more aimless walk through the park, weaving through crowds of slow moving sun seekers, searching for colour in the dried up flower beds.
Maybe this time if I knew it would be the last, I could take it all in for just a few more seconds. Just a little longer so I could remember how it all felt. Every sweet hum of laughter, every vulnerable tear shed, every time you made me feel whole and human.
Funny thing about time is, those few more seconds are something of fiction. Only in fairytales and on the pages of children’s books does one more moment really exist.
So instead, I’ll write for you these words that you may never hear but I’ll try. I’ll fight bravely with my own mind in the battle to press send; because I need you to know, I have to tell you because some things cannot be left unsaid.
You made me feel at home within myself, at a time when I felt so far from any light, a time I had been wandering alone down the dark streets of my own thoughts and for that I will be forever grateful.
