the loneliness doesn't bother me quite as much
as being alone w i t h you does.

why should i wake?
only to make my bed.
cleanse my body.
eat without taste.
work myself to the bone.
be overlooked day in and day out.

grieving the loss of what was never there?
where are my answers?

no.
where is my will to live?

8/24/20

I apologize to you without knowing my fault
Without the sense of you not wanting me to respond
I’m careless, persistent & overbearing
Because I decided to act impulsively on my feelings
It hurts
It hurts to know I’m not what you want
I’m not
You are everything I want
I didn’t know you weren’t ready to talk
I know too well what that means
You’re moving on without me
I won’t disturb you
Or try to touch your happiness anymore
I’ll vanish beautifully as you wish

5/18/20
I will vanish beautifully my love

5/9/20
7:54 am
And nothing else quite mattered
The universe around me didn’t exist
Not that it cared to know that I existed
And I realize I put my heart into treasures of the world
And that is what I could describe what love is to me
Because it’s hard to let go of words written so beautifully, I suppose
The scent of my hair filled the air as I took deep breaths to avoid the tears
With each rip of the brittle, old letter, I ripped matter apart, and ripped at the atoms of my heart
It fluttered symphonically below and returned back to dust just like us
There...
The earth still rotated in an universe that never knew we exist

3:08 a.m.
4/25/20
I’ve painted you in colors of the rainbow
It reflected every mood that you had put me in
I loved it
I was spiraling downwards on the color orange
It was getting too hot before it even started
That’s a hazard
And here I am again...
Coloring you in black and shades of grey
Because everything you have shown was in a haze
A void that’s refusing to give
You soaked up my white
There is bad intentions in your meanings behind your words
Not everyone’s intentions are pure
Yet, I thought you were different
But, I could count how many times I’ve etched that into a poem
So, they say the sky is blue and it cries sometimes
So, where do I go with this water color blue?
Who do I give it too?
Not you.
I know better now
Painting a picture mixed with red, blue and yellow turns out to be unappealing
It was never serious
This was never serious
You were never serious
But I was
All my shades of blues never counted
Thoroughly disappointed
I smeared the color red with my fingers
I bleed from the color of love
Of what I think love is
Oh how I give
Yellow was always suppose to be mines
It was the most beautiful like the sunshine
That is what I thought I meant in your life
Yet, when the colors of the rainbow mold into one
How did black come and tainted my work of art

its christmas and the only gift i want is to lose weight

loneliness is a place i am terrified
of getting used to but have been
living in it for as long as i can
remember.

it is a house that doesn’t feel like
home; the only lit streetlight in
an abandoned city; the twinkling
star in the vast night sky; the last
note of a song but one that’s fading
away; the room with a bed that
hasn’t been slept in ever since
a lover was lost in the war.

the echoes of laughter of what once;
the lingering touch of our fingers
after our hands had let go;
the wallflower sitting quietly
in the corner of a party.

it is all of these things at once;
but i think, most of all, loneliness
is a friend who i so desperately
want to get rid of—and i do,
at times—yet she’s always there;
waiting for me to take her back.