You’ve been working so hard
To provide more than what we need now
For what we will need in the future.
Because we used to have nothing.

You’ve been planning so thoughtfully
For the next 20 years,
But you’ve never lived in the current.

You’ve been ignoring what you feel now
And saving your happiness for later.
But you’ve never stopped worrying about the future.

Now he is gone forever for both of us.
You lost your happiness,
Which had never happened.

But I lost my happiness,
Which had been making me feel alive.
It is not just grief of his death.

Now father is gone forever for me.
It is the emptiness in my heart
Constantly consuming me.

When I am nervous on the stage,
Who else will always applaud for me again?
Who else will always love my performance again?

I know you don’t care what I care,
And you only approve what you care.
But can you just look at who I am for one time?

I wish you can live more in the current
And worry less about the future.
Because I treasure every single second in my life,
When you are still with me.

From ashes to ashes, and so from stardust to stardust
Despite the harsh stasis, a mind of wanderlust
From black holes to aliens to a history of time
We bid farewell to a man of great mind

you aren’t here anymore
thought they say you haven’t been for a while
not since poppa went home
he stays where flowers zenith and the sun never comes down anyway
i loved you before the lights went out
perhaps i only did because i had to
there were always no flights to catch, for you and i both
5300 miles away couldn’t keep us apart anyway
i still keep the sweater you knitted me when i was 5
tucked in with all my hopes of you watching me grow up
you were all the warmth i needed here
coursing through, becoming the angel in my bloodstream
think i love you even more, it’s easier for you to see me now anyway
but still so hard for me
didn’t see your open casket
but you never saw me in my mothers blanket
i wanted to be the last face you saw
perhaps you wanted to be my first
i still **** my father for this
but it’ll be the exact same cycle when he leaves
i still carry you in my name
June was never summer in New Zealand
but it didn’t need to be
you were always more beautiful
a sight for sore eyes
one i didn’t see too often
visit me tonight, one last time
i want you to tell me what it’s like up there
if it’s really what they say
if it’s really the better place they say it is
as if they knew anything about what you were truly like
but then again
neither did i

The side of myself that loves you,
Isn't strong enough
To admit it.
The side of myself that hates you,
Is scared of what's to come.

I’m glad I held on
Held your hand
One last time
One last breathe
Gone
Cold
I was told
You left us
I’m glad I held on
Held your hand
One last time
As you ascended
Memories
Imagining
You regaining your strength
In your limbs
In your mind
You shined
Smiled
I’m glad you held on
The way you did
Until I released
You back to Him
I’m glad I held on to you
My body tells me it’s time
Even though my mind
Hates the memory of losing
A best friend
A laughter out loud
A smile with a few good teeth
A working man with working hands
I’m glad I held on
Held your hand
One last time
No #FuckCancer gofundme page will ever replace you
No brown eyes with a gray tint to look at
Drown in
Get lost in
No sound of rough feet rubbing together
Sounded like matches
No more car watching on the porch as people passed
That’s your baby girl?
That’s your grandpa?
Nope that’s my daddy giggles
No more haircuts on the porchNo new memories
I’m just so glad
Glad I held on
Held your hand


Happy Birthday