I don't count, for I don't know what counts
A look, a smile, silence, to turn and walk away
What counts is for them for which it matters
Known only at the end when the whole revealed
And I, a new self, rebuilt from all that counted
Of others: their words, presence, absence, or kiss
And we become Others, as Others become Us
The perfection of unity, now, a shadow glimpsed

i could’ve lived in your irises
now, instead,
all my regrets waltz with their arms tangled
on a whim.
i’m too red in the face to reach out for yours
to dance till the morning sun shines
we’d then have to hide
from the brightness
the lights on our faces.
i’m too ashamed to love you without the dark veil of nighttime that swallows me whole
and i occasionally let it convince me of how this will go.
i’m too embarrassed to love without borders,
even after your friend called us something to consider
and i consider
until i start lying
and pulling on my collar to avoid the subject:
i love you and i do not regret that.
i’ve locked myself up in a castle of my fears
trying to adore you through dungeons and tears
though i can’t seem to tell you
you’re all i want here
besides the night chill in autumn
when you touched me softly
with words, “i am worth it,” and
“i’m so deserving.”
let’s dance till our teeth fall out
rot on the floor
and bury our bodies
to create something more
a whole garden, a lilac, a whispering willow tree,
anything to solidify us into eternity.
i’m so scared i’ll forget the steps to our favorite dances
and accidentally step on your brand new shoes
maybe you’d scream and holler
at me the pure bother
or maybe you’d take them off
and say you never needed them in the first place.
pathetic, i’m scouting for little spaces to hide
i’m so wary of you in this light
but we’ll sing all the songs
the way they were made
and i’ve constructed a million classic cliches
for you to involve yourself in.
the music becomes us, we become the music.
i’m sorry i had to disappear for a moment;
had to get some fresh air, the corridors were buzzing,
i see fireflies, they remind me of you
how they never care who
is watching or witnessing
their perfect glory
even when they are caught in a jar or a hand
they fly away because they don’t understand.

let’s watch these bugs till the morning comes
and the light might creep up, slowly descending on our smiling faces.
i won’t forget,
i’ll never regret you
even when the morning reveals our intentions;
i always meant to tell you anyway.

If only a few poems could make you fall in love,
I would make them for you
all the feelings I put together;
just to tell you.
If only words were easier for us
to understand the feelings we experience,
If only love made everything less complicated,
And I don't have to reveal it.

I see too much
Tiny details into the fray
It frightens
Not me, but you
And what I view
Beyond your screen
Some hypnotic wall
Your foggy countenance
Deceives the herd
As they follow the piper
Though I lingered
On the periphery
Some visions were concealed
By your obscurity
Unveiling becomes obsession
Then I regret
For now
I see too much

I call into the moonlit gleam
Though it may not right away seem
It was but a weary dream
Conjured by the heart
Only told in part
The remainder for another night

What more shall this tale tell?
What more shall be revealed
In the levels of the subconscious?
Only time and the will of a mind shall tell

- Jay M
March 26th, 2021