I am sharing this opus
It's more of an onus
Of just how things went
But were not really bogus.
I earned my life lumps
Racing over speed bumps
Trying to outrun cards dealt
That were not quite trumps.

Still I made it this far
And while I’m not a star
I suited and showed up.
Things are what they are
And I can debate them
But I can’t dispute them.
It would be a big lie
If I tried to refute them.

So my doddering totter
Gets odder and odder
Telling me loudly
I am Grim Reaper fodder.
Some bridges burned,
Another corner turned
Dealing with the effects
Of the lessons learned.

Now an irascible rascal
Far too frequently wrathful
Warring with too-small print
I am the long-retired radical
No longer marching around
Supporting causes I found.
No longer a crusader, I am
A kind of sad circus clown.

I never expected to have it made
Like a grandee in the shade
Sipping my iced mint julep
Rich from making the grade
But  with youthful short sight
I never saw it in this light
That I would fall so short
Of playing things just right.

Still, I have to cut some slack
When I sit here looking back
At where and what I was.
The view is not so black.
While superstars never came,
My lottery dreams were lame,
I feel I did all that could
To honestly play the game.

It doesn't burn my throat fast enough. It doesn't rebel against the other acids in the pit of my stomach. It doesn't make me want to clench my jaw and inhale profoundly. It leaves me alleviated. Leaves me in a trance. It's quite strange. Your absence affects me more than your presence. I'm always looking for answers that don't require to be answered. Yet here I am. With a triple distilled bottle of Tequila in one hand, and a flimsy phone in the other. I know you're not the type to ask who made me like this, but rather ridicule me for my abusive behavior. For the tactics and niche I picked up making me yet, so defensive . I'm unlearning it due to inheritance. I know you're not the type to care what traumas you tend to trigger, but I am the type to figure out what wounds are still fresh and what scars still remains. But who's to say I can differentiate, using it tactically or using it sadistically. I'm so attracted to what's so broken, and it hurts to look in the mirror because I reflect such brokenness. I leave my hand and foot prints on your sand and run away like I never moaned or whispered the sweetest lies.
Wrote to myself awhile ago: They're going to ridicule you, for how you love. I like that about me, I no longer hide anything.

And then I thought
If only for a moment
Your voice inside my head
Would find another to torment
After you said that we will never try again
But oh how wrong I was
If anything your voice became more profound
And I don’t know how I can rid
You out of my crinkled mind
That begins to form a paper ball
Of words that I write down
But never seem to get right
I've got trashcans full
Miles upon miles
Of words about you
Words you'll never see
Or care to see
Not like I'd let you if you did
But sometimes it's nice knowing someone cares
Even when you don't need them to care
Even when you just need to lose your mind for a while
Losing your mind was hard enough, however
You gripped mine with your eyes
Splitting my body out of it
Having me do cartwheels just to attempt
To get it back
But somehow
You've still got it
And now you don't want it
You're just keeping it until you need me again
To keep your head up when you just need to fall apart
And I'll put you back together and send you on your way
Hoping, wishing nothing more than the thought that maybe this time you'll stay
But you won't
You can't
It’s true you don't know what's bad and what's good for you
But you keep me around so you can help yourself when you need it
Because you know that I'd find you at the end of the earth if I could simply put a smile on your face
But that'll only matter when the time comes
And I'm hoping it never does
But at the same time
I'm hoping I can see your face light up once again
Like it used to when all I'd have to do
Was intertwine your eyes and mine
And smile an "I love you."

Here's what I'll collect of us:
1. Your hand holding my nine year old one,
2. small and uncertain
3. small and growing
4. You waking up before the rest of the world
5. The sound of you raking fallen brittle palm fronds and leaves
6. Feeding the dogs
7. Turning the cornmeal for them in the massive ***
8. Your rare smiles
9. The smell of Old Spice
10. Filling the shopping cart with whatever I wanted
11. My too-tiny hands clasping about the cart and pushing it along with you
12. Us scouring the aisles for Eggo's waffles and my favorite brand of banana chips
13. My nine year old self sitting on your lap while you dozed off
14. Our conversations about politics and the current state of the world
15. Our long conversations
16. Our long conversations about your youth
17. Me hearing your story about how you cared for yourself from 15 years old for the 105th time
18. Me never getting tired of hearing about that story
19. Your rare smiles reaching your eyes
20. The softness of your hair as I stroke your head now
21. Sitting by your bedside and being comforted by your soft breath as you sleep
22. Sitting by your bedside remembering my childhood with you
23. The long summers in your house with grandma and my cousin
24. The long summers in your house on the island
25. The long summers back home--back in your home country
26. Your hand holding my nine year old one,
27. small and uncertain
28. small and growing
29. You waking up before the rest of the world
30. You going to sleep after everyone else
31. Your hand holding mine.
32.   Your breath.
33.   The softness and steadiness of your breath.

I walk down the lane of misery for the last time this year
Reminiscing my failures
I watch my hard work float away like my lovers who promised to stay.
The self-doubt however lingers
The confidence diminishing like the seconds to a new year
The new year of little significance
For we all know we will never change
We will face the same doubts
We will cry for the same reason
We will fight the same battle
and we will never learn
Not this time, not this year, not this new year

For my 20 years of existence.
I'm just a loner, depressed guy.
I never go out.
Never spoke with someone or even laugh out.
But this heroes I encountered is the best to tell y'all about.

When I was on my Highschool,
My cousin introduced me some cool music,
Some music I never listened before.
It all started from Red Jumpsuit Apparatus,
My Chemical Romance, Alesana, Blessthefall, and more.

But the one I remember most
And the one I'm still loving to listen is Coheed and Cambria.
Their album Good Apollo, I'm Burning Star IV, Vol. 1 is a gem.
I just imagined myself floating in some equilibrium
With their tracks in it.

Ah man, I'm so lucky I encountered them.
Bless their sweet souls.

I have never been good at talking.
I spend my words frugally,
As if they are limited—
As if they conform to some currency—
To hide behind the dam that holds back
The river waiting to burst through my mind
Out into my eyes.
But I hold back.
It seems that no matter where I hide my heart
Someone ends up finding it—
Pointing a finger
To assign guilt,
And don't get me wrong,
For, I am guilty.
But I hold back.
Waiting—
Waiting for my time alone
To let my dam unfold,
To let the scars free
From my soul.
Not many understand
What it feels to genuinely hate
Your own being
In the essence of your stone cold
Broken heart—
But even still, I bottle up,
And hold back
Wishing away the hope of another “fresh start.”
Even as still,
However, as I sit waiting—
The dam doesn't break apart;
It just sits and waits—
Waits to hit me hardest
When I can't take the punches,
When I lose my balance,
When there is none other than one escape—
If you could even call death an escape.

i miss the long summer nights under the moonlight. i miss getting drunk at 2am with my friends and acting like fools. i miss sitting in the backyard smoking **** with him for the first time. i miss going to concerts every weekend. i miss the ****** up nights with my friends. i miss it all.