Stoical heart yet the urge to cry
Unable to shead a tear,
'Cause the biggest fear to open up and try
Made me to drown myself in my own state of anxiety.
Did the broken soul find a hug?
Not a single person cared to bug.
I am not what has happened to me
Bounded by fate or dejection
Choices and rejection
Part and parcel of life.
I am what I chose to be.
I'll break and I'll fall
I'll rise and fly
Till I find my wings soared high.

Just when I thought it was over
Just when I thought I was sober
No longer sniffing fantasies and what ifs
Through my nostril
Chasing closure at the end of bottles
Thought I turned memories into fossils
Following ways of apostles
Letting loose of loves false gospels
Now I’m trying to resurrect fossils
The Judas in the mist of apostles
Betrayed my mind for my hearts lust
Laid down my heart as dust
Baptized in tears consumed by must
Cause my spirit to cuss
My pride to combust
Self love to Rust
The mirror to look at me in disgust
God to question my trust
Yet laid down my heart as gold dust
Knowing you’d throw it away
Fast forward you threw it away p
No less to say
I’m a crackhead, addicted
Screaming girl power yet a deceived head, Conflicted
My first taste was sour, dreamed of dying flowers and me crying for hours before we began I knew, predicted
Covered my eyes with your love my ears with your lies made my spirit numb inside, restricted
Years later I’m still here addicted
To your mind waves
carried by your false sound waves
carried by the waves of deception
I swear love and pain has a unusual connection
Sprinkled with a salt of depression
Tide by the rope of obsession
Got me reading books on reflection
Yet my self reflection laughs at my self destruction is this really how love is supposed to function?
I told myself I’d never be in this state of mind again,
Yet I’m in this state of mind again
In the county of trying to find a friend
In the city of trying to find a man
On the street of searching for you again
Next to you don’t want me anymore Avenue
Yet my blue heart still waits for you
Craves for you
Views past all we’ve been through for you
My emotions is a zoo and you’re the keeper I glued myself to you
Know this is true I brewed myself to you
My tears have become accustomed to my cheeks,
My mind reeks of a heart that collapsed
Thought I was cleaned but here again, relapsed
And you, there just relaxed
Broke my walls the alpha who marked his territory
Your mark teared a story of a young strong black girl, to a weak addict
and I’ve had it.

Normally all they expect from me is strength. They expect the bravest face with the brightest smile.
But 2019 has been throwing more than just hurdles my way.
2019 has been creating more than a disruption to me.

2019 started out with the biggest amount of hope, finally I was going to face most of my dreams and definitely at long last make sure that I complete them.

But when it came, I got a stab to the heart, losing the one person who I thought would get to see my empire rise.
And I understand that relationships end, I get that we need to let go of toxic behaviors but when she walked away. Everyone that held a special significant place in my heart walked out.

I became overwhelmed with pain to the extent that I became toxic.
I tried to run to someone who I thought would stay there but they just couldn't bear to watch me so fragile and bare, they walked out. Making sure that the remaining components of my heart turned to dust.

My environment grew dark, People started fighting for some form of job security and I took it in me to carry their pain while worrying for myself. I survived, they didn't so while relieve was evident in my face their pain was eating at my soul.

I had other hopes, It'll work out somehow.
But the deeper into the months we get the more drained I get.

I am not okay
2019 is taking a huge toll on me.

I keep returning to the same place in my life where things remain dull and unmoving.
Sitting on the leather couch and a freebird singing on the radio the roll continues to
burn and I continue to fall into the room where it is quiet.

The sky is the color of fire tonight a flame caught in a mirror the width of a coffin.
He lay beside me and placed a word on the nape of my neck where it melted into
a bead of gas station alcohol.

I place my face against the cool glass of the window the size of your hand so I
can feel once again how it was for you to cradle my cheeks. Beyond the fire sky a
grey dawn lifts the smoke and I ignite.

Cravings for a hit
Hints of sin begin within
Winning bit by bit

there is no rhythm to my poems anymore
i've lost touch, lost the skill to manifest these thoughts
perhaps the ability to think
my thoughts have congealed, melted, turned my eyelids from red to pink

it is exhausting
feeling nothing without knowing of apathy
it is like drowning
but you just never sink

i want a movement, baby
i want pain and a heart on the side
letting things go is like watching myself die

living life is not living if it is all for the wait
i want to feel the sun on my bones
feel my soul for a change

when does it get better than this?
never knew myself to be so lazy, tired, stoic, stained
i want to be myself or whoever else for a day
i can't seem to shake this feeling again