I feel like my heart was wrenched from its place
It was beating so strongly.
I told you how I felt
And heard as your tone of voice turned my world upside down.

“Forget it ever happened”

*But I can't forget. *
I can't ever forget my feelings for you.
The pain burns.
It hurts knowing that you'll never reciprocate those feelings
And I'm stuck drowning
Without you to help me

all my life,
ive torn myself apart
and threw the pieces at other people.
because no one wanted me as a whole.
to this day, that truth stands.

JUST LEAVE

i want to scream it
inches away from your
******* face that i can't
erase from the back of my eyelids
haunting me any time i
blink
or sleep
trying to shut out the world that
revolves around you
and your closeness
but you're burned into my retinas
your narrow bearded face
branded into the secret parts of me
even your absence won't
expunge you from
my sight

JUST LEAVE

i know your departure
looms in the shadowed future world
the same one i
have to consciously choose to
inhabit
because i could easily take
a handful of pills
and blissfully drift away to
that other dimension
and your face
wouldn't haunt my dreams
a cessation of nightmares where
i see the reality i am so
desperately searching for
hidden somewhere in your face
but this is not reality
and your face is still a
mystery

JUST LEAVE

take your empty words
your unspoken fear
that hidden suppressed terror
you feel when you
see me
naked in front of you
waiting to be devoured
because i would sacrifice
every ounce of my body and soul
to hear you say
i love you
but you can't and
i am crumbling like
a cliff face bowing to
the persistent crash of the ocean's waves
you chip away at me
a sculptor trying to pull the
figure from a block of granite
but you've gone too far and
it's too late to salvage
what was once a grand vision
but is now
a pile of stone

JUST LEAVE

let me go
free me from this
emotional prison of hope
whose torture is the
promise of a rosy future
where needs are met and
wants coalesce into a
coherent reality
and us
together
you whispering into my ear
and nourishing my
ailing starving mind and
shrunken emotions
stunted before they are
even born
brought into this real world

i don't even know anymore
whether reality
or fantasy
hurts
more

please

just leave.

Suddenly aged and prickling inside drab suit
(that fits in every way besides the one that matters),
sip stewed tea, UHT milk, and
be gracious about it.
Faces requisitioned from Head Office
ask questions like the answers you give
could possibly mean anything.
Try not to act bored or high, even though
you're both.  Pretend like
you could belong here.
Don't let on you think thoughts that are in breach of the House Style.
Don't, under any circumstances, let them
find out you write
poetry.  
Don't give yourself away.

Afterwards, brittle and weary outside,
notice how it feels like
your feet inside your good pair of shoes
are nailed to the asphalt reality
of this bleakly nowhere estate; you're
crucified against the
indifference of the afternoon,
bled out by another day of attempting to
sell yourself cheap and still
not closing.
You learned to walk upright for this.
Even the sun looks old and done with trying.
If a stranger offered you a cigarette right now,
would you break your two-year streak?  


The phlegmy rattle of builders' vans;
soft pale smell of saw dust on damp air;
that sense of inevitable mutual rejection.

i scream "HELLO"
as it echos from the walls
hoping it will reach you
reach your heart & mind
i scream "ARE YOU THERE?"
echos moving quickly until they disappear
are they even reaching you?
i guess if they were i wouldnt be searching for you
so as i sit here making echos hoping you could hear
my life is passing me by
ill never get this time back
so i realized you will never be anything more than an ECHO
an echo against the walls i have now built against you
NaNi

You said you couldn't make love
to me that day
Afternoon had slipped away

Did you ever?
make love
Had you raised an arm?
in bath water
an unattainable charm

Between thumps and pushes
growns and growls and snaps
leaves turn under bushes
Invoking ritual perhaps

No memory softer touch
No yearn for less your spanks
For all this blank intention
I still give you my thanks