I have buckled under pressure
of synapses,
that confuse and measure
the then and now.

I have puffed into a smoke
of silences,
that refuse me to choke
or take a vow.

I have dreamt the dreams
of my violences,
and when I cry
I ask them how...

can you take me back to such spiralling?
When the pain that should have stopped,
was always allowed.

I'm starting to think God loves me better when I'm in stitches and scars,

It's 3pm on a Saturday afternoon and I've ditched a warm house  warm soup and am now in a cathedral whispering " Hi, I'm Allie........ and I erm...I've got an eating disorders"

I'm 50% silk and 50% shards of glass but Somehow I've carried myself past the stairs & now I'm here feeling like the walls are mocking me...

I've spent the past 7 Augusts draped in bulimia and anorexia like a coffin and I'm ready to change clothes because I'm tired of wearing black and I'm tired of how it feels like I've been dressed for my funeral all since I've turned 13 except I'm already there watching myself get lowered into the ground but I never get there.
I never get there

You stole my heart...
.....But not my dreams..
....I am bent....
......but I am not broken...
......I am hurt....
.....but I am healing....
You may have damaged me....
But I am strong enough to take
The beatings
I am be forgotten...
But I am never lost.

the air gets cold, my lips turn blue
my insides burn just thinking of You
apprehensive, anxious, angry and stressed
reaching for nothing, extremely depressed

i can see You, but i cannot feel
i can hear You, but i'm not sure it's real

why can't we talk when You're just steps away?
at first You called it love, but we are strangers after today

when i see You, i'll have to press my lips together,
just so a hello doesn't escape
but what if it did, what would You say?
would You run up and hold me?
or just run away

Look at nature.
Yea, just do it.
And now, feel it.
Feel it in your bones.
Be it.
It’s wonderful, isn't it?
Your ****** thoughts
about being ugly and worthless
don’t mind anymore.
You’re one with this earth.
And this earth
is way more than beautiful.
So are you!
I know what I’m talking about,
I’ve been there too.
Pain.
Pain, always pain.
Start living a life
you’re proud of, sweetie.
Gosh, you really have adorable eyes!
Use them right
to see this beauty all around.
I believe in you.

I sit at I home trying to get my **** together
I am out in the public trying to show that
I have my **** together
Some days I have my **** together better than others
Some days anxiety floods my brain
with thoughts that
swishes swashes and sway
in random unpredictable directions
These days when my **** isn't together
I walk in public faking the best laugh and smile
Happiness is a decision
but my happy is an empty piggy bank
that broke before it was even used

the feeling of my body being
eaten away at
from the inside out
was
like the comfort of home
and the familiar feel
of a bed worn in
from
19 years of life.
the waves of dizziness
were waves of dreams
where I was
a horribly
disfigured version of myself,
but somehow a version
that I preferred.
the slow and weak
movements of
my body were signs
of strength
and a job well done,
not something
to be ashamed of.
my body was the enemy
and I
was determined to be
the *defeater