I want you to need me like you need an ice cold drink on a hot summer's day
I want you to want me like you do at the first whiff of bacon on a Sunday wafting through the house
Though we haven't met yet

I hope you look at me and lose your breathe but never question it
I hope when silence falls on our conversations that you just wrap me up in your arms
Not because I can't handle the silence but to remind me that it's ok

And I hope that when you notice the scars across my skin
that you will still caress my body and remind me that my scars do not make me who I am but are proof of how strong I am

And I hope that when I stand in the mirror examining the outfit choice that I can't seem to make clearly That you pull me away from the mirror  
away from the societal norms of beauty and ask me to flip a coin because in that moment I will remember who I am and what I want to wear.

I know it's a lot to ask of a man I've yet to meet
but don't worry I've got a lot to offer too.

I will hold your hand at all the parties your friends invite you to
I will hold you when you feel as if your world is collapsing around you I will remind you to breathe when your lungs are so full of sorrow and pain that they have forgotten to work for you
And when you can breathe again I will remind you of the beauty of this world
And of the joys of smiling and laughter
I can cook you dinner after a long day at work to remind you that you are important to someone in this world.
I know that it's a lot to offer someone I haven't met yet
but when we find each other
our real life fairy tale will begin

Ah, the mercurial female pursuit!
The greatest and the damnedest game
What stunning highs and cruel lows
Where patience is lost and hearts are claimed

To feel the the pleasure of the chase!
The pursuit is worth the heavy toil
Great angst and fear are put to shame,
Eclipsed by sweet romance's spoil

But what is this? It seems to me
The playing ground's all bare today
Except for stone-faced referees
None of the players have come to play

I'll have to turn about and leave
No man can play this game alone
It seems an awful waste but yea
I'll pack my things and head back home.

I've tried to play a number of times
Prepped and practiced, just in case
There'd be another player to play
A worthy foe for me to face.

And we are made to play, and win
This game that we've all known and seen
This challenge, unequaled! Upon the earth
The greatest sport that's ever been

My spirit falters, as time marches on
Diligence, heart, and patience all wilt
I know not why this all must pass
Is this the thing for which I was built?

But I believe that someday soon
The pitch will shine an ecchoing green
And on that day I'll play the game
Against a player as yet unseen.

My safety advisory system been elevated to RED

Please be aware of your surroundings at all times and do NOT leave your body unattended....but! I should capitalize that...BUT it is not always a choice. And lately, awareness and attendance to my body have not been a choice. I cannot stay in this body at night. It is uninhabitable. And I tell DT there is so much I can’t talk about. So many things that happened that I’m so ashamed of ~ things I cannot believe I did. And I don’t trust myself. I don’t like the huge blackness that surrounds me that continues to threaten me every night.

I don’t want to remember. I want to forget it all. All of it. Because at night, when the anguish and pain torment me to the point I consider taking a bottle of Vicodin, and slitting my wrists in the bathtub, it scares me. So many things that remind me of back then terrorize me now, in my present moment. And I know I need help with it ~ but at the rate I’m able to communicate about this stuff, I will surely be dead before the torment stops. DT tells me to be patient, be patient…but it just keeps getting worse and one night my patience is going to run out and I will do something irreversible.  But still he says, be patient, he says he has respect and patience and he will be here when I'm ready to talk.  But I'm afraid to speak because the truth is too scary.  I offered to draw him a picture instead.  His patience feels infinite and yet I still feel as though I am drowning and he is taking too much time blowing up the life raft.  

I feel sick. And I feel worried. The pain is torturing me and the pain meds barely touch it. It’s that bad right now.  I want to cut...it’s been a struggle.

And I feel worried. And not just for me. I have two good friends whom are also struggling and I don’t know how to help them because I feel so lost too right now. I want to help them but I don’t know what to do. Just be right here, I guess. I wish I could tell them that it’s going to be okay ~ and I could say that, but I don’t know how long it will be before we make it to okay ~ and I don’t know if I have the energy make it that far.

My Security threat level has now been raised to RED. I am safe right this minute, but I don’t know how long I can stay that way…there is no way to tell.

I'm whispering
for you to hear
believing you still
believe in me.
I see your life
I hear your thoughts
or what I thought
they used to be.
Sitting, dreaming,
tired, just counting
all the falling
leaves of a tree.

There’s a person here in front of me,
Their voice is in my head.
They’re saying not to rush, you see.
They’re begging for patience instead.
“Please, just take your time,”
They’re crying out,
“For these present days are sublime,
Don’t spend them all whining about,
The things that do not change,
Live your life as a happy person,
For the number of roads possible in your life have large range.”
And with that, these people were gone.